Fortunes Without Cookies
- If you begin and it is not the beginning, begin again.
- Your pants know what is really going on.
- Sometimes it is wrong to be right.
- Sometimes it is right to be wrong.
- The ticking must eventually stop.
- If you live wisely, you will live better.
- Do what your parents tell you to do...when you are in their presence.
- Look to the sky when doubt holds you down.
- In the end you will lie down and rest. Then you will get up and start again.
- Darkness is the absence of light. Always carry matches.
- Beware the cataclysmic failure of a strong beverage.
- Stop wondering what is in the box. Open it.
- Sometimes you feel like a nut. Sometimes you do not.
- Good seafood is where you find it.
- Just because it is free, does not mean it is costless.
- Your shoes also wish you were thinner.
- There is no meaning in an endless stream of fortunes.
- Your opinion about reality has no affect whatsoever on actuality.
- You will find money today. You will also waste money today.
- If your average speed is at least three seconds faster than reality, you are sure to make progress.
- If you do not care where you are going, any road will take you there.
- Just because you can eat other animals, does not necessarily mean you should.
- Do not be tempted by the soup of another.
- Spend less than you earn.
- Do not talk with a mouth full of bees.
- History is an angel being blown backwards into the future.
- Do not chew on plutonium.
- Paradise is exactly like where you are right now...only much, much better.
- If you have monkeys in your pants, own up to it quickly.
- It is not that rust never sleeps, it is that rust sleeps alone.
- A cup's value is in its emptiness.
- No force on earth can stop one hundred Santas.
- If a tree falls in the forest, beetles become confused.
- Those who do not permit themselves to experience the sensation of hunger will experience the sensation of weight.
- Nuclear annihilation is not in your future.
- Do not be embarrassed by the sound of water being disturbed.
- Never cancel a dinner date unless you are being sterilized.
- The more candles on the cake, the greater the illumination.
- Do not light a match until it is clear which end of the dog is barking.
- Never allow freedom to protect itself.
- Life is a work of art, designed by a committee of frogs.
- You can learn a lot from sea monkeys. They are very observant.
- Empty spaces offer calm and contrast.
- The things you will remember are not things.
- Shit does not just happen.
- Do not bother chickens. It will lead to an unhappy life.
- Laughter burns a cripple like acid.
- With time and patience, grasses produce the heart attack.
- A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
- Directly perceptible risks are managed instinctively.
- The only people who aren’t hypocrites are feral children and the dead.
- Nobody likes a vegetarian.
- No saint has ever used a computer.
- Your data wants to be an astronaut.
- Unity is achieved with visible opposites.
- Sometimes it is taken for granted how united the states really are.
- It is difficult to amuse insects, but it is worthwhile to attempt it.
- If you are doing nothing, it will be difficult to know when you are done.
- When you have only a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
- If you can see the light at the end of the tunnel, it may be you are looking the wrong way.
- Anything that sounds stupid when spoken will sound better if sung.
- You are a good example of why some animals eat their young.
- Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
- Never accept a ride from a stranger, unless you are given candy.
- Psychics will lead dogs to your body.
- You appeal to a small, select group of confused people.
- Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
- Sex is natural, but not if done well.
- It is easier to receive forgiveness than get permission.
- Nothing is impossible for those who do not have to do it themselves.
- Experience will allow you to recognize a mistake when you have made it again.
- Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment.
- A productive drunk is the bane of moralists.
- There are more horse's asses than there are horses.
- The average person thinks they are not.
- Everybody likes a kidder. But nobody lends them money.
- It is impossible to enjoy idling unless there is plenty of work to do.
- Never get into fights with ugly people. They have nothing to lose.
- Do not worry about your health. It will go away.
- Eat as much as you like...just do not swallow.
- Never accept a drink from a urologist.
- Chaste makes waste.
- Those who never get carried away should be.
- The advantage of emotions is that they lead one astray.
- Never bite when a simple growl will do.
- Too much sanity may be madness.
- Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
- Food without hospitality is medicine.
- Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
- A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
- Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
- Your sole purpose in life may simply be to serve as a warning to others.
- Learn from the mistakes of others. You will not live long enough to make them all yourself.
- You probably would not worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do.
- The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- An educated fool is more foolish than an ignorant one.
- We all have enough strength to endure the misfortunes of others.
- Always do sober what you said you would do while drunk. You will learn the value of silence.
- If everything seems under control, you are not going fast enough.
- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse will get the cheese.
- Sacred cows make excellent hamburger.
- Things may come to those who wait, but they are the things left by those who hustled.
- A positive attitude may not solve all problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
- You cannot break a bad habit by throwing it out the window. You must walk it slowly down the stairs.
- If you are not outraged, you are not paying attention.
- It is useless to put on your brakes when you are upside down.
- Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
- When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth.
- It is never too late to be what you might have been.
- There is nothing wrong with you that reincarnation would not cure.
- Texture and imperfections convey uniqueness and life.
- Never throw rocks at the children. They too will then possess weapons.
- A can containing worms will not open spontaneously.
- Sometimes a penis is just a penis.
- Nobody ever mentions the early worm.
- Panic attacks do not count as exercise.
- You cannot make cheese out of human breastmilk. Do not even try.
- The heart is an unruly little Chihuahua.
- People come and people go. Let them.
- Be good to your friends, or they may develop psychokinetic powers and destroy Tokyo.
- Crisis or no, nothing must interfere with tea.
- Do or do not. The impossible will still ignore you
- Do you know where your towel is?
- All spam are lonely orphans, crying out to be hugged.
- The human spirit is a hard thing to kill, even with a chain saw.
- Logic is the beginning of wisdom.
- Faith is the cessation of learning.
- Trust no one. The truth is out there.
- You cannot really appreciate Dilbert until you have read it in the original Klingon.
- Never become involved in a land war in Asia.
- Any slogan simple enough to fit on a fortune is too simple to be of any real use.
- Is the glass half empty, half full, twice as large as it needs to be, or failing to acheive its full potential?
- Objectivity is in the eye of the beholder.
- Which comes first, the future or the past?
- Progress often consists of replacing errors with more subtle errors.
- This fortune is programming you in ways that may not be apparent for months, or even years.
- All life is a conjugation of the verb "to eat".
- Any sufficiently complicated technology is indistinguishable from bad karma.
- It takes a village to raise a child to hate all the people in the next village.
- Life is often cruel. Is there any real evidence that the afterlife will be any different?
- The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
- Be the kind of person your dog thinks you are.
- Always keep your pencil moving.
- Because you are dangerous, you must not entertain.
- Do not touch doubtful things.
- There are no nut-free areas. Nuts are everywhere.
- You are a member of the top one hundred percent.
- Put yourself in someone else's pants.
- Hobbies are nature's way of telling you no one wants to be your friend.
- Never go with a hippie to a second location.
- Go as far as you can see; when you get there you will be able to see further.
- There are no days-off when you are retired.
- The reward for conformity is that everyone likes you but yourself.
- Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
- When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is no longer our friend.
- It is a simple mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
- A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs; jolted by every pebble in the road.
- You can do little about the length of your life, but its width and depth are mostly your responsibility.
- Believe in those who seek the truth. Doubt those who claim to have found it.
- Jesus was not a Christian.
- When 8 takes a nap, it's infinity.
- Whosoever reads nothing at all is better educated than they who read nothing but newspapers.