Fortunes Without Cookies

  1. If you begin and it is not the beginning, begin again.
  2. Your pants know what is really going on.
  3. Sometimes it is wrong to be right.
  4. Sometimes it is right to be wrong.
  5. The ticking must eventually stop.
  6. If you live wisely, you will live better.
  7. Do what your parents tell you to do...when you are in their presence.
  8. Look to the sky when doubt holds you down.
  9. In the end you will lie down and rest. Then you will get up and start again.
  10. Darkness is the absence of light. Always carry matches.
  11. Beware the cataclysmic failure of a strong beverage.
  12. Stop wondering what is in the box. Open it.
  13. Sometimes you feel like a nut. Sometimes you do not.
  14. Good seafood is where you find it.
  15. Just because it is free, does not mean it is costless.
  16. Your shoes also wish you were thinner.
  17. There is no meaning in an endless stream of fortunes.
  18. Your opinion about reality has no affect whatsoever on actuality.
  19. You will find money today. You will also waste money today.
  20. If your average speed is at least three seconds faster than reality, you are sure to make progress.
  21. If you do not care where you are going, any road will take you there.
  22. Just because you can eat other animals, does not necessarily mean you should.
  23. Do not be tempted by the soup of another.
  24. Spend less than you earn.
  25. Do not talk with a mouth full of bees.
  26. History is an angel being blown backwards into the future.
  27. Do not chew on plutonium.
  28. Paradise is exactly like where you are right now...only much, much better.
  29. If you have monkeys in your pants, own up to it quickly.
  30. It is not that rust never sleeps, it is that rust sleeps alone.
  31. A cup's value is in its emptiness.
  32. No force on earth can stop one hundred Santas.
  33. If a tree falls in the forest, beetles become confused.
  34. Those who do not permit themselves to experience the sensation of hunger will experience the sensation of weight.
  35. Nuclear annihilation is not in your future.
  36. Do not be embarrassed by the sound of water being disturbed.
  37. Never cancel a dinner date unless you are being sterilized.
  38. The more candles on the cake, the greater the illumination.
  39. Do not light a match until it is clear which end of the dog is barking.
  40. Never allow freedom to protect itself.
  41. Life is a work of art, designed by a committee of frogs.
  42. You can learn a lot from sea monkeys. They are very observant.
  43. Empty spaces offer calm and contrast.
  44. The things you will remember are not things.
  45. Shit does not just happen.
  46. Do not bother chickens. It will lead to an unhappy life.
  47. Laughter burns a cripple like acid.
  48. With time and patience, grasses produce the heart attack.
  49. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
  50. Directly perceptible risks are managed instinctively.
  51. The only people who arenít hypocrites are feral children and the dead.
  52. Nobody likes a vegetarian.
  53. No saint has ever used a computer.
  54. Your data wants to be an astronaut.
  55. Unity is achieved with visible opposites.
  56. Sometimes it is taken for granted how united the states really are.
  57. It is difficult to amuse insects, but it is worthwhile to attempt it.
  58. If you are doing nothing, it will be difficult to know when you are done.
  59. When you have only a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
  60. If you can see the light at the end of the tunnel, it may be you are looking the wrong way.
  61. Anything that sounds stupid when spoken will sound better if sung.
  62. You are a good example of why some animals eat their young.
  63. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
  64. Never accept a ride from a stranger, unless you are given candy.
  65. Psychics will lead dogs to your body.
  66. You appeal to a small, select group of confused people.
  67. Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
  68. Sex is natural, but not if done well.
  69. It is easier to receive forgiveness than get permission.
  70. Nothing is impossible for those who do not have to do it themselves.
  71. Experience will allow you to recognize a mistake when you have made it again.
  72. Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment.
  73. A productive drunk is the bane of moralists.
  74. There are more horse's asses than there are horses.
  75. The average person thinks they are not.
  76. Everybody likes a kidder. But nobody lends them money.
  77. It is impossible to enjoy idling unless there is plenty of work to do.
  78. Never get into fights with ugly people. They have nothing to lose.
  79. Do not worry about your health. It will go away.
  80. Eat as much as you like...just do not swallow.
  81. Never accept a drink from a urologist.
  82. Chaste makes waste.
  83. Those who never get carried away should be.
  84. The advantage of emotions is that they lead one astray.
  85. Never bite when a simple growl will do.
  86. Too much sanity may be madness.
  87. Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
  88. Food without hospitality is medicine.
  89. Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
  90. A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
  91. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  92. Your sole purpose in life may simply be to serve as a warning to others.
  93. Learn from the mistakes of others. You will not live long enough to make them all yourself.
  94. You probably would not worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do.
  95. The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
  96. An educated fool is more foolish than an ignorant one.
  97. We all have enough strength to endure the misfortunes of others.
  98. Always do sober what you said you would do while drunk. You will learn the value of silence.
  99. If everything seems under control, you are not going fast enough.
  100. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse will get the cheese.
  101. Sacred cows make excellent hamburger.
  102. Things may come to those who wait, but they are the things left by those who hustled.
  103. A positive attitude may not solve all problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
  104. You cannot break a bad habit by throwing it out the window. You must walk it slowly down the stairs.
  105. If you are not outraged, you are not paying attention.
  106. It is useless to put on your brakes when you are upside down.
  107. Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
  108. When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth.
  109. It is never too late to be what you might have been.
  110. There is nothing wrong with you that reincarnation would not cure.
  111. Texture and imperfections convey uniqueness and life.
  112. Never throw rocks at the children. They too will then possess weapons.
  113. A can containing worms will not open spontaneously.
  114. Sometimes a penis is just a penis.
  115. Nobody ever mentions the early worm.
  116. Panic attacks do not count as exercise.
  117. You cannot make cheese out of human breastmilk. Do not even try.
  118. The heart is an unruly little Chihuahua.
  119. People come and people go. Let them.
  120. Be good to your friends, or they may develop psychokinetic powers and destroy Tokyo.
  121. Crisis or no, nothing must interfere with tea.
  122. Do or do not. The impossible will still ignore you
  123. Do you know where your towel is?
  124. All spam are lonely orphans, crying out to be hugged.
  125. The human spirit is a hard thing to kill, even with a chain saw.
  126. Logic is the beginning of wisdom.
  127. Faith is the cessation of learning.
  128. Trust no one. The truth is out there.
  129. You cannot really appreciate Dilbert until you have read it in the original Klingon.
  130. Never become involved in a land war in Asia.
  131. Any slogan simple enough to fit on a fortune is too simple to be of any real use.
  132. Is the glass half empty, half full, twice as large as it needs to be, or failing to acheive its full potential?
  133. Objectivity is in the eye of the beholder.
  134. Which comes first, the future or the past?
  135. Progress often consists of replacing errors with more subtle errors.
  136. This fortune is programming you in ways that may not be apparent for months, or even years.
  137. All life is a conjugation of the verb "to eat".
  138. Any sufficiently complicated technology is indistinguishable from bad karma.
  139. It takes a village to raise a child to hate all the people in the next village.
  140. Life is often cruel. Is there any real evidence that the afterlife will be any different?
  141. The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
  142. Be the kind of person your dog thinks you are.
  143. Always keep your pencil moving.
  144. Because you are dangerous, you must not entertain.
  145. Do not touch doubtful things.
  146. There are no nut-free areas. Nuts are everywhere.
  147. You are a member of the top one hundred percent.
  148. Put yourself in someone else's pants.
  149. Hobbies are nature's way of telling you no one wants to be your friend.
  150. Never go with a hippie to a second location.
  151. Go as far as you can see; when you get there you will be able to see further.
  152. There are no days-off when you are retired.
  153. The reward for conformity is that everyone likes you but yourself.
  154. Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
  155. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is no longer our friend.
  156. It is a simple mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
  157. A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs; jolted by every pebble in the road.
  158. You can do little about the length of your life, but its width and depth are mostly your responsibility.
  159. Believe in those who seek the truth. Doubt those who claim to have found it.
  160. Jesus was not a Christian.
  161. When 8 takes a nap, it's infinity.
  162. Whosoever reads nothing at all is better educated than they who read nothing but newspapers.