Some Of The Best Things Anybody Ever Said

All Quotes

  1. A hen is an egg's way of making another egg.

    Samual Butler

  2. Where do you go to get anorexia?

    Shelly Winters

  3. Isn't there any other part of the matzo you can eat?

    Marilyn Monroe, on being served matzo ball soup three meals in a row.

  4. Just about the time you get your shit together, it hits the fan.


  5. I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking.

    Katherine Cebrian

  6. If you can see the light at the end of the tunnel, you're looking the wrong way.

    Barry Commoner

  7. New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.

    David Letterman

  8. Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

    David Letterman

  9. Schizophrenia beats drinking alone.


  10. The covers of this book are too far apart.

    Ambrose Bierce

  11. If you can't annoy somebody, there is little point in writing.

    Kingsley Amis

  12. Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.


  13. I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

    Elvis Presley

  14. Use an accordion, go to jail. That's the Law!


  15. Television is a medium because anything done well is rare.

    Fred Allen

  16. I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.

    Stephen Biship Song Title

  17. The United States is like the guy at a party who gives cocaine to everybody and still nobody likes him.

    Jim Samuels

  18. I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.


  19. You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.

    Jim Samuels To A Heckler

  20. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

    Erma Bombeck

  21. Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing between Nixon and the White House.

    John F. Kennedy

  22. The thought of being president frightens me and I do not think I want the job.

    Ronald Reagan (in 1973)

  23. Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. If he had run unopposed he would have lost.

    Mort Sahl

  24. Ronald Reagan's platform seems to be: Hey I'm a big good-looking guy and I need a lot of sleep.

    Roy Blount Jr.

  25. An empty cab pulled up and Ronald Reagan got out.


  26. You've got to be careful quoting Ronald Reagan, because if you quote him accurately it's called mudslinging.

    Walter Mondale

  27. Walter Mondale has all the charisma of a speed bump.

    Will Durst

  28. If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal.


  29. Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.

    Henry Kissinger

  30. When you go into to court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

    Norm Crosby

  31. Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is dropped.

    Franklyn Ajaye

  32. If I had my life to live over, I'd make the same mistakes...only sooner.

    Tallulah Bankhead

  33. If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

    Abraham Lincoln

  34. Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.

    Evan Davis

  35. Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States, ask any Indian.

    Robert Orbin

  36. People who think they know everything really irritate those of us who do.


  37. There is no gravity. The earth sucks.


  38. I shot an arrow into the air...and it stuck.

    Graffito in L.A.

  39. There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.

    Robert Orbin

  40. One hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong.


  41. He was the world's only armless sculptor. He put a chisel in his mouth and his wife hit him on the back of the head with a mallet.

    Fred Allen

  42. Start off every day with a smile and get it over with.

    W.C. Fields

  43. When your I.Q. rises to 28, sell.

    Professor Irwin Corey, to a heckler

  44. There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick and the dead.

    Lord Thomas Dewar (1864-1930)

  45. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

    Steven Wright

  46. I don't have any trouble parking. I drive a forklift.

    Jim Samuels

  47. If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few people die past the age of a hundred.

    George Burns

  48. Never accept a ride from a stranger unless he gives you candy.

    Linda Festa

  49. I'm the person your mother warned you about.


  50. Stay with me, I want to be alone.

    Joey Adams

  51. Psychics will lead dogs to your body.

    Misfortune Cookie Message

  52. You appeal to a small, select group of confused people.

    Misfortune Cookie Message

  53. Ignore previous cookie.

    Misfortune Cookie Message

  54. How much money did you make last year? Send it in.

    Simplified Tax Form Suggested By Stanton Delaplane

  55. The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the other one was useless.

    Nicholas Chamfort (1741-1794)

  56. God is dead, but fifty thousand social workers have risen to take his place.

    J.D. McCoughey

  57. I like life. It's something to do.

    Ronnie Shakes

  58. He who looketh upon a woman loseth a fender.

    Sign In Auto Repair Shop

  59. The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby.

    Natalie Wood

  60. Girls are always running through my mind. They don't dare walk.

    Andy Gibb

  61. Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

    Timothy Leary

  62. Housework can kill if done right.

    Erma Bombeck

  63. Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.

    Sylvia (Nicole Hollander)

  64. If they can put a man on the moon, why can't they put them all?


  65. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

    Al Clethen

  66. Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you.

    Mary Bly

  67. I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.

    Marty Pollio

  68. You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap.

    Dolly Parton

  69. The trouble with loving is that pets don't last long enough and people last too long.


  70. Better to have loved and lost a short person than never to have loved a tall.

    David Chambless

  71. Outside every thin woman is a fat man trying to get in.

    Katharine Whitehorn

  72. Sex is natural, but not if done right.


  73. I used to be a virgin, but I gave it up because there was no money in it.

    Marsha Warfield

  74. Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried.

    Mae West

  75. It is easier to receive forgiveness than get permission.


  76. The odds against a bomb being on a plane are a million to one. The odds against two bombs are a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb.

    Benny Hill

  77. I am sorry to say that there is too much point to the wisecrack that life is extinct on other planets because their scientists were more advanced than ours..

    John F. Kennedy

  78. A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.


  79. Horsepower was a wonderful thing when only horses had it.


  80. The computer is down. I hope it's something serious.

    Stanton Delaplane

  81. The rivers in the United States are so polluted that acid rain makes them better.

    Andrew Malcolm

  82. The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

    Mark Russell

  83. Energy experts have announced the development of a new fuel made from human brain tissue. It's called assohol

    George Carlin

  84. You Gotta Live Somewhere

    Jimmy Brogan, suggested motto for Cleveland

  85. What Died?

    Steven Pearl, suggested motto for New Jersey

  86. What The Hell Are You Looking At?

    Steven Pearl, suggested licence plate slogan

  87. The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

    Alfred Hitchcock

  88. They used to photograph Shirly Temple through gauze. They should photograph me through linoleum.

    Tallulah Bankhead

  89. The human race is faced with a cruel choice; Work or daytime T.V.


  90. Television enables you to be entertained in your home by people you wouldn't have in your house.

    David Frost

  91. The cable T.V. sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people, and don't come in clearly enough.

    Bill Maher

  92. Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

    Abba Eban

  93. The reason there are so few female politicians is that it's too much trouble putting make-up on two faces.

    Maureen Murphy

  94. Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.

    Mark Twain

  95. A conservative is a man who wants the rules changed so that no one can make a pile the way he did.

    Gregory Nunn

  96. If the Republicans will stop telling lies about the Democrats, we will stop telling the truth about them.

    Adlai Stevenson

  97. When we got into office, the thing that surprised me the most was that things were as bad as we'd been saying they were.

    John F. Kennedy

  98. I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

    Ronald Reagan

  99. Ronald Reagan is the first president to be accompanied by a "Silly Statement Repair Team."

    Mark Russel

  100. I'm glad Reagan is president. Of course, I'm a professional comedian.

    Will Durst

  101. Bad spellers of the world, untie!


  102. I don't worry about crime in the streets, it's the sidewalks I stay off of.

    Johnson Letellier

  103. Never argue with people who buy ink by the gallon.

    Tommy Lassorda

  104. I am sitting in the smallest room in the house. I have your review in front of me. Soon it will be behind me.

    Max Reger (1873-1916)

  105. If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.

    Bobby Slayton

  106. Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

    A.H. Weiler

  107. A censor is a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to.

    Granville Hicks (1901-1982)

  108. A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled.

    Sir Barnett Cocks

  109. As scarce as the truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand.

    Josh Billings (1818-1885)

  110. I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart, and provide temporary relief to nymphomaniacs.

    Larry Lee

  111. It is beneath my dignity to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed person.


  112. Flies spread disease. Keep yours zipped.


  113. Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.

    Mark Twain

  114. Love your enemies in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards.

    R.A. Dickson

  115. Experience teaches you to recognize a mistake when you've made it again.


  116. The reason people sweat is so they don't catch fire when they make love.

    Don Rose

  117. A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there for the rest of your life.

    Jim Samuels

  118. A man in love in incomplete until he's married. Then he's finished.

    Zsa Zsa Gabor

  119. When a girl marries, she exchanges the attention of many for the inattention of one.

    Helen Rowland (1876-1950)

  120. One man's folly is another man's wife.

    Helen Rowland (1876-1950)

  121. The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man and a blind woman.

    Samuel Taylor Coleridge (1772-1834)

  122. The trouble with some women is they get all excited about nothing - and then marry him.


  123. Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.

    Advice To Joan Rivers From Her Mother

  124. I was a fifty-four-year-old virgin, but I'm alright now.


  125. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

    Jackie Mason

  126. Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.

    Peter De Vries

  127. She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

    Tommy Manville (1894-1967)

  128. I can't mate in captivity.

    Gloria Steinem

  129. Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.

    Professor Irwin Corey

  130. I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

    Rodney Dangerfield

  131. Smartness runs in my family. When I went school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

    George Burns

  132. I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

    Woody Allen

  133. A productive drunk is the bane of moralists.


  134. The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they are sober.

    William Butler Yeats (1865-1939)

  135. Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.

    Barry LePatner

  136. Ford used to have a better idea; now they haven't got a clue.

    Steve Kravitz

  137. I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.

    Steven Pearl

  138. Soderquist's Paradox: There are more horse's asses than horses.

    From 1,001 Logical Laws

  139. Do not disturb signs should be written in the language of the hotel maids.

    Tim Bedore

  140. The average person thinks he isn't.

    Father Larry Lorenzoni

  141. Never believe anything until it has been officially denied.

    Claud Cockburn (1904-1981)

  142. Before they made him they broke the mold.


  143. Here's to our wives and sweethearts - may they never meet.

    John Bunny (1866-1939)

  144. I hate the outdoors. To me the outdoors is where the car is.

    Will Durst

  145. Astrology is Taurus.

    W.F. Dedering

  146. If The Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me.

    Jimmy Buffet Song Title

  147. She was what we used to call a suicide blonde; dyed by her own hand.

    Saul Bellow

  148. For people who like peace and quiet; a phoneless cord.


  149. A man is living proof that women can take a joke.


  150. A penny for your thoughts, twenty bucks to act them out.


  151. Smoking, as far as I'm concerned, is the entire point of being an adult.

    Fran Lebowitz

  152. There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings, and that word is blackmail.

    Colm Brogan

  153. I do no not know how the Third World War will be fought, but I do know how the Fourth will: with sticks and stones.

    Albert Einstein

  154. I brake for hallucinations.

    Bumper Sticker

  155. Life's a virgin, if it was a bitch it would be easy.


  156. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.


  157. Are you into casual sex or should I dress up?


  158. I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once.

    Deb Eaton

  159. An Irishman is not drunk as long as he still has a blade of grass to hang onto.


  160. I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.

    Phil Harris

  161. My uncle was the town drunk...and we lived in Chicago.

    Goerge Gobel

  162. Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.

    W.C. Fields

  163. I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.


  164. I believe in sex and death...two experiences that come once in life.

    Woody Allen

  165. Go away. I'm alright.

    H.G. Wells' last words (1885-1946)

  166. Everybody likes a kidder. But nobody lends him money.

    Arthur Miller

  167. Humorists always sit at the children's table.

    Woody Allen

  168. Until Eve arrived this was a man's world.

    Richard Armour

  169. A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally.

    Lillian Day

  170. Anyone who says he can see through a woman is missing a lot.

    Groucho Marx

  171. The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money.

    Joey Adams

  172. A gentleman never strikes a woman with his hat on.

    Fred Allen

  173. I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.

    Will Rogers

  174. She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of sucess wrong by wrong.

    Mae West

  175. You may already be a loser!

    Form Letter Received by Rodney Dangerfield

  176. I have just enough white in me to make my honesty questionable.

    Will Rogers

  177. I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.

    Dick Gregory

  178. It is impossible to enjoy idling unless there is plenty of work to do.

    Jerome K. Jerome (1859-1927)

  179. Hard work never killed anyone, but why take a chance.

    Edger Bergan

  180. The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you're still a rat.

    Lily Tomlin

  181. I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

    Jackie Mason

  182. Whoever said money can't buy happiness doesn't know where to shop.


  183. Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all.


  184. Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be suprised at how little you have.

    Ernest Haskins

  185. The wages of sin are unreported.


  186. I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

    e.e. cummings

  187. I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to sacrifice my wife's brother.

    Artemus Ward (1834-1867)

  188. Being in the army is like being in the boy scouts, except the boy scouts have adult supervision.

    Blake Clark

  189. Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose.


  190. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

    Scott Beach's Grandfather

  191. It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.

    Jackie Mason

  192. I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

    Variously Ascribed

  193. I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

    Jack Benny

  194. I get my exercise from acting as a pallbearer to my friends who exercise.

    Chauncey Depew (1834-1928)

  195. Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.

    Robert Orbin

  196. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

    Redd Foxx

  197. Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we may diet.


  198. I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.

    Variously Ascribed

  199. Eat as much as you like...just don't swallow.

    Steve Burns

  200. Anyone who eats three meals a day should understand why cookbooks outsell sex books three to one.

    L.M. Boyd

  201. Why be difficult. With a little bit of effort you can be impossible.


  202. I'm trying hard to arrange my life so that I don't even have to be present.


  203. Never accept a drink from a urologist.

    Erma Bombeck's Father

  204. Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.


  205. If today was a fish, I'd throw it back.

    Song Title

  206. Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.

    Lilly Tomlin

  207. If I'd known I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself.


  208. He writes so well he makes me feel like putting my quill back in my goose.

    Fred Allen

  209. If my film makes one more person miserable, I'll feel I've done my job.

    Woody Allen

  210. I like men to behave like men - strong and childish.

    Francoise Sagen

  211. What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?

    Fred Allen

  212. This book fills a much needed gap.

    Moses Hadas (1900-1966)

  213. Thank you for sending me a copy of your book. I'll waste no time reading it.

    Moses Hadas (1900-1966)

  214. Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of congress. But I repeat myself.

    Mark Twain

  215. When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.

    Phyllis Diller

  216. I'd rather be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother.

    Charles Pierce

  217. Better that a girl has beauty than brains because boys see better than they think.


  218. I was born in Australia because my mother wanted me to be near her.


  219. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.


  220. Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to god.

    Lenny Bruce

  221. Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them.

    Jules Feiffer

  222. The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it.

    Truman Capote

  223. I was the best I ever had.

    Woody Allen

  224. My brain is my second favorite organ.

    Woody Allen

  225. The most romantic thing any woman ever said to me in bed was, "Are you sure you're not a cop?"

    Larry Brown

  226. For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel and cook.

    Quentin Cook

  227. Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

    Mae West

  228. I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.

    Mae West

  229. I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.

    Chico Marx

  230. I've been in more laps than a napkin.

    Mae West

  231. Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

    Woody Allen

  232. What do hookers do on their nights off, type?

    Elayne Boosler

  233. The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 am.

    Charles Pierce

  234. It's been so long since I made love, I can't remember who gets tied up.

    Joan Rivers

  235. Ouch! That felt good.

    Karen Elizabeth Gordon

  236. What do you give a man who has everything? Penicillin.

    Jerry Lester

  237. Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit.

    Maureen Murphy

  238. Chaste makes waste.


  239. After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.

    Joan Rivers

  240. It's easy to make a friend. What's hard is to make a stranger.


  241. I only like two kinds of men: domestic and foreign.

    Mae West

  242. Men who never get carried away should be.

    Malcolm Forbes

  243. If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm.

    Vince Lombardi

  244. When I was kidnapped my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

    Woody Allen

  245. If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

    Dorothy Parker

  246. Feck Opuc

    Bumper Sticker

  247. There must be 500,000 rats in this country; of course, I'm only speaking from memory.

    Billy Nye (1850-1896)

  248. The advantage of emotions is that they lead us astray.

    Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

  249. She wears her clothes as if they were thrown on with a pitchfork.

    Jonathon Swift (1667-1745)

  250. If people don't want to come out to the ballpark, nobody's going to stop them.

    Yogi Berra

  251. I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'

    Larry Miller

  252. A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her dad.

    Christopher Case

  253. Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.

    Bob Ettinger

  254. What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?

    Marilyn Pittman

  255. A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.

    Conan O'Brien

  256. Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

    Sue Murphy

  257. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.

    Rita Mae Brown

  258. No matter what side of the argument you are on, you always find people on your side that you wish were on the other.

    Jascha Heifetz

  259. If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

    Johnny Carson

  260. Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.

    Paul Rodriguez

  261. Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

    Jerry Seinfeld

  262. Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That's why you should never date a baseball player.

    Marsha Warfield

  263. I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.

    Lily Tomlin

  264. Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

    George Carlin

  265. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.

    Ellen DeGeneres

  266. I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.'

    Rita Rudner

  267. I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead.

    Sue Kolinsky

  268. I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

    Carol Leifer

  269. The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.

    Jackie Gleason

  270. I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like fries with that?'

    Jay Leno

  271. Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy five cents.

    William Coronel

  272. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

    Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

  273. True terror is to wake up in the morning and discover that your high-school class is running the country.

    Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

  274. Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student is. At least they can find Kuwait.

    A. Whitney Brown

  275. Why aren't there any blonde jokes about men? Because it doesn't matter what color their hair is.


  276. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.


  277. What's the difference between a man and a chimpanzee? One is hairy, smelly and is always scratching its ass, and the other is a chimpanzee.


  278. Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time.


  279. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They won't stop to ask directions.


  280. What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.


  281. Why do black widow spiders kill their partners after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.


  282. How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.


  283. What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.


  284. Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract.


  285. What is the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.


  286. Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.


  287. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know; it has never happened.


  288. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.


  289. Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, 'Who'd you call a faggot?'

    Jon Stewart

  290. The one bonus of not lifting the ban on gays in the military is that the next time the government mandates a draft we can all declare homosexuality instead of running off to Canada.

    Lorne Bloch

  291. When I was in the military they gave me a medal for killing two men and a discharge for loving one.

    From the tombstone of a gay Vietnam veteran

  292. The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision.

    Lynn Lavner

  293. My lesbianism is an act of Christian charity. All those women out there praying for a man, and I'm giving them my share.

    Rita Mae Brown

  294. Soldiers who are not afraid of guns, bombs, capture, torture or death say they are afraid of homosexuals. Clearly we should not be used as soldiers; we should be used as weapons.

    Letter to the editor, The Advocate

  295. You don't have to be straight to be in the military; you just have to be able to shoot straight.

    Barry Goldwater

  296. If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work: 'Hello. Can't work today, still queer'.

    Robin Tyler

  297. War. Rape. Murder. Poverty. Equal rights for gays. Guess which one the Southern Baptist Convention is protesting?

    The Value of Families

  298. That word "lesbian" sounds like a disease. And straight men know because they're sure that they're the cure.

    Denise McCanles

  299. The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

    Dennis Miller

  300. It's only premartial sex if you're planning to get married.


  301. One does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.

    Andre Gide

  302. The secret of the profund secrecy of this secret


  303. Never bite when a simple growl will do


  304. The correct use of the apostrophe, as much as language itself, separates man from beast.


  305. Too much sanity may be madness!

    Don Quixote, in Man from LaMancha

  306. I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

    Blaise Pascal

  307. I don't go around repeating gossip so you better pay attention the first time.


  308. Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs.

    P.J. O'Rourke

  309. The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.

    George Bernard Shaw

  310. Those who say something can't be done should not interrupt those doing it.


  311. God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

    Robin Williams

  312. It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water.

    Franklin P. Jones

  313. Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we've set aside enough money to pay for our kids' therapy.

    Michelle Pfeiffer

  314. Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.


  315. As a mother, I know that homosexuals cannot biologically reproduce children; therefore, they must recruit our children.

    Anita Bryant, 1977

  316. If gays are granted rights, next we'll have to give rights to prostitutes and to people who sleep with St. Bernards and to nailbiters.

    Anita Bryant

  317. Jesse Helms and Newt Gingrich were shaking hands congratulating themselves on the introduction of an antigay bill in Congress. If it passes, they won't be able to shake hands, because it will then be illegal for a prick to touch an asshole.

    Judy Carter

  318. My own belief is that there is hardly anyone whose sexual life, if it were broadcast, would not fill the world at large with surprise and horror.

    W. Somerset Maugham

  319. Drag is when a man wears everything a lesbian won't.


  320. I am reminded of a colleague who reiterated 'all my homosexual patients are quite sick' - to which I finally replied, 'so are all my heterosexual patients'.

    Ernest van den Haag, psychotherapist

  321. When it comes to exploring the sea of love, I prefer buoys.

    Andrew G. Dehel

  322. If male homosexuals are called 'gay', then female homosexuals should be called 'ecstatic'.

    Shelly Roberts

  323. My mother took me to a psychiatrist when I was fifteen because she thought I was a latent homosexual. There was nothing latent about it.

    Amanda Bearse

  324. Some women can't say the word lesbian...even when their mouth is full of one.

    Kate Clinton

  325. It always seemed to me a bit pointless to disapprove of homosexuality. It's like disapproving of rain.

    Francis Maude

  326. The only queer people are those who don't love anybody.

    Rita Mae Brown

  327. You could move.

    Abigail Van Buren, "Dear Abby," in response to a reader who complained that a gay couple as moving in across the street and wanted to know what he could do to improve the quality of the neighborhood.

  328. I take music pretty seriously. This scar on my wrist, do you know what that's from? I heard the Bee Gees were getting back together again.

    Dennis Leary

  329. ...think of agriculture as something the grasses did to people to conquer the trees.

    Michael Pollen "The Botany Of Desire"

  330. The colors and shapes of the flowers are a precise record of what bees find attractive.

    Frederick Turner

  331. Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

    Henny Youngman

  332. Physics is like sex: Sure, it may give some practical results, but that's not why we do it.

    Richard Feynman

  333. Physics advances by funerals.


  334. I was a bank teller. That was a great job. I was bringing home $450,000 a week.

    Joel Lindley

  335. Here's a bonehead error that guys often commit in guest bathrooms: They see soap on a soap dish, and they use it to wash their hands. This of course ruins the guest soap, which is defined as "soap that guests are not supposed to use.

    Dave Berry

  336. A computer DOES save time at work. Now I can play solitaire without having to spend all that time shuffling real cards.


  337. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

    Rich Jeni

  338. Food without hospitality is medicine

    Tamil proverb

  339. My silence is original silence, not a quotation from his silence.

    Composer Mike Blatt responding to a charge by representatives of composer John Cage that Blatt's 60 seconds of silence on his CD infringes on Cage's 4 and a half minutes of silence on Cage's CD.

  340. I can't eat more than six hundred dollars worth of food.

    Anna Nicole Smith

  341. There are only 10 types of people in the world... those who understand binary, and those who don't.


  342. I look forward to the invention of faster-than-light travel. What I'm not looking forward to is the long wait in the dark once I arrive at my destination.

    Marc Beland

  343. Fanaticism consists of redoubling your efforts when you have forgotten your aim.

    George Santayana

  344. The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don't just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary.

    James D. Nicoll

  345. Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with your Microsoft product.


  346. [A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.

    Joseph Campbell

  347. Unix is user friendly. It's just selective about who the friends are.


  348. If builders built buildings the way that programmers write programs, the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

    Reede Stockton

  349. I'd rather die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers.


  350. I'm glad I wasn't born before the Grateful Dead.


  351. Mustard's no good without roast beef.

    Chico Marx

  352. Ours is the age that is proud of machines that think and suspicious of men who try to.

    H. Mumford Jones

  353. Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

    Mark Twain

  354. Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

    George Carlin

  355. Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a triple.

    Barry Switzer

  356. God help those who do not help themselves.

    Wilson Mizner

  357. There are plenty of good five-cent cigars in the country. The trouble is they cost a quarter. What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.

    Franklin P. Adams

  358. A book of quotations . . . can never be complete.

    Robert M. Hamilton

  359. Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.

    Steven Seagal

  360. The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.

    Jeff Foxworthy

  361. Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.

    Henry David Thoreau (1817-62)

  362. If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.

    Dave Barry

  363. My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.

    Paula Poundstone

  364. Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my Goodness. I could be eating a slow learner.

    Lynda Montgomery

  365. The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.


  366. I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.'

    Richard Jeni

  367. My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law.

    Jerry Seinfeld

  368. Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

    Terry Pratchett

  369. Ah, yes, divorce . . . from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

    Robin Williams

  370. You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'

    Dave Barry

  371. America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.


  372. Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children


  373. Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.

    Drew Carey

  374. What some call health, if purchased by perpetual anxiety about diet, isn't much better than tedious disease.

    George Dennison Prentice

  375. Every nation ridicules other nations, and all are right.

    Arthur Schopenhauer

  376. Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.

    Dan Quayle

  377. It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress.

    Mark Twain

  378. Treat all disasters as if they were trivialities but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster.

    Quentin Crisp

  379. The reason lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place is that the same place isn't there the second time.

    Willie Tyler

  380. Americans detest all lies except lies spoken in public or printed lies.

    Ed Howe

  381. We are not physical beings having a spiritual experience. Rather we are spiritual beings having a physical experience.

    Teilhard DeChardin

  382. There must be more to life than having everything.

    Maurice Sendak

  383. A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

    George Wald

  384. The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go to erase it.

    Glaser and Way

  385. In a collaboration, each author will do 75% of the work.

    Larry Niven

  386. My ideal picture of citizenship will always be an argument, not a sing-along.

    Sarah Vowell

  387. An ounce of mother is worth a pound of clergy.

    Spanish proverb

  388. You'd be jolly too if you knew who all the bad girls were.


  389. I don't know what to say. I've always been a prepared loser.

    Don Knotts, upon winning an Emmy for "The Andy Griffth Show"

  390. Going to bed with a woman never hurt a ballplayer. It's staying up all night looking for them that does you in.

    Casey Stengel

  391. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.


  392. I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is; I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat.

    Rebecca West, 1913

  393. America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.

    Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

  394. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.


  395. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.


  396. No one is listening until you make a mistake.


  397. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.


  398. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.


  399. It's not me who can't keep a secret - it's the people I tell that can't.

    Abraham Lincoln

  400. The rich would have to eat money if the poor did not provide food.

    Russian proverb

  401. Coarse and violent nudity. Occasional language.


  402. It is true that liberty is precious, but is it so precious it must be rationed?


  403. People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to pick on rich women than biker gangs.


  404. I read a report that said the typical symptoms of stress were eating too much, drinking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Who are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.


  405. The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits.


  406. A conservative is a man who sits and thinks, mostly sits.

    Woodrow Wilson

  407. Anyone who is not a socialist at 16 has no heart, but anyone who still is at 32 has no mind.


  408. Join the Army. Meet interesting people. Kill them.


  409. If some unemployed punk in New Jersey can get a cassette to make love to Ella McPherson for $19.95, this virtual reality stuff is going to make crack look like Sanka.


  410. It will be a great day when our schools have all the money they need and the Air Force has to hold a bake sale to buy a new bomber.


  411. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?


  412. Education is the best defense against the media.


  413. Civilization is the distance man has placed between himself and his excreta.

    Brian Aldiss

  414. Science is moving closer to weaponry, and Art is moving closer to commercialism. And never the twain shall meet.

    Frank Zappa

  415. Question Authority and the Authorities will question You.


  416. Assassination is the extreme form of censorship.

    George Bernard Shaw

  417. T.V. - Why do you think they call it programming?


  418. It's not Area 51 I'm worried about- it's Areas 1 through 50.


  419. There's an old saying, 'Neurotics build castles in the air and psychotics live in them.' My mother cleans them.

    Rita Rudner

  420. Give a man a beer, waste an hour. Teach a man to brew, and waste a lifetime!

    Bill Owen

  421. Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people."

    W.C. Fields

  422. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself.


  423. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.


  424. You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do.

    Olin Miller

  425. Misquotations are the only quotations that are never misquoted.

    Hesketh Pearson

  426. Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.

    Mark Twain

  427. Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

    Albert Einstein

  428. Once the game is over, the King and the pawn go back in the same box.

    Italian Proverb

  429. Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists?

    Kelvin Throop III

  430. There is no monument dedicated to the memory of a committee.

    Lester J. Pourciau

  431. I didn't really say everything I said.

    Yogi Berra

  432. Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.

    Matt Groening

  433. We are inclined to believe those whom we do not know because they have never deceived us.

    Samuel Johnson

  434. The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

    Joan Rivers

  435. I wouldn't mind being the last man on Earth - just to see if all of those girls were telling me the truth.

    Ronnie Shakes

  436. The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

    Henny Youngman

  437. A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

    Milton Berle

  438. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.


  439. One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

    Bertrand Russell

  440. If the desire to kill and the opportunity to kill came always together, who would escape hanging?

    Mark Twain

  441. I just want to give you this one piece of advice: if you're standing and you could be sitting, sit. If you're sitting and you could be lying down, lie down.

    Helena Bonham Carter to Edward Norton

  442. A woman uses her intelligence to find reasons to support her intuition.

    G. K. Chesterton

  443. They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

    Garrison Keilor

  444. Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

    Last words of Pancho Villa, Mexican revolutionary, d. 1923

  445. I have offended God and mankind because my work did not reach the quality it should have.

    Last words of Leonardo da Vinci, artist, d. 1519

  446. When you put down the good things you ought to have done, and leave out the bad ones you did do - well, that's Memoirs.

    Will Rogers

  447. It isn't necessary to imagine the world ending in fire or ice - there are two other possibilities: one is paperwork, and the other is nostalgia.

    Frank Zappa

  448. No man is an Ireland.

    Chicago Mayor Richard Daley

  449. We all have enough strength to endure the misfortunes of others.

    Duc de la Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)

  450. An educated fool is more foolish than an ignorant one.

    Moliere (1622-73)

  451. Everything that can be invented has been invented.

    Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899

  452. This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.

    Western Union internal memo, 1876

  453. Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?

    H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927

  454. We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

    Decca Recording Co. rejecting The Beatles, 1962

  455. A university is just a group of buildings gathered around a library.

    Shelby Foote

  456. Far more seemly to have thy study full of books, than thy purse full of money.

    John Lyly, Euphues

  457. If you haven't found something strange during the day, it hasn't been much of a day."

    John A. Wheeler

  458. Discovery consists of seeing what everybody has seen and thinking what nobody has thought.

    Albert Szent-Gyorgyi 1893

  459. On a visit to Grenoble a few years ago, I met a chef who complained that the taste buds of his nation's youth were being ruined by an onslaught of salt and sugar processed into an assortment of bland, artless concoctions that dulled their senses and tinkered with their satiety. 'When there is no taste,' he said, 'they keep eating.'

    Ellen Ruppel Shell "The Hungrey Gene"

  460. I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

    Thomas Edison

  461. It is better by noble boldness to run the risk of being subject to half the evils we anticipate than to remain in cowardly listlessness for fear of what might happen.


  462. I will never be an old man. To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am.

    Sir Francis Bacon

  463. If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.

    Jay Leno

  464. Always obey your parents. When they are present. This is the best policy in the long run. Because if you don't, they will make you. Most parents think they know better than you do, and you can generally make more by humoring that superstition than you can by acting on your own better judgment.

    Mark Twain in his "Advice to Youth" speech, 1882

  465. How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue...and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?

    Rita Rudner

  466. If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.

    James Thurber

  467. If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

    Mark Twain

  468. I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.

    John Steinbeck

  469. Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.


  470. Ever consider what they (dogs) must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul--chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!

    Anne Tyler

  471. In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.

    Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

  472. Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies.

    Gene Hill

  473. Never insult seven men if you're only carrying a six shooter.

    Harry Morgan

  474. ...when I wake up in the morning, I look in the bathroom mirror to see who I am. Most of the time that works, but last week I spent a whole day as a pair of bathroom curtains!

    Peter Ingerman

  475. My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.

    Milton Berle

  476. Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

    Henny Youngman

  477. Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.

    Benjamin Franklin

  478. If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

    George Carlin

  479. The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease.


  480. Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

    Darius Denning

  481. Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls.

    Barry Bartlett

  482. There are no good girls gone wrong, just bad girls found out.

    Mae West

  483. No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.

    Fran Lebowitz

  484. Criminal: A person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation.

    Clarence Darrow

  485. I don't make jokes, I just watch the Government and report the facts...

    Will Rogers

  486. No nation ever had two better friends that we have. You know who they are? The Atlantic and Pacific oceans.

    Will Rogers

  487. If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

    Mario Andretti

  488. My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.


  489. Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything.

    Ivana Trump, upon finishing her first novel

  490. Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist.

    Matt Barry

  491. The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they share a common enemy.

    Sam Levenson

  492. A woman drove me to drink - and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.

    W.C. Fields

  493. I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

    Frank Sinatra

  494. An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.

    Ernest Hemingway

  495. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

    Henny Youngman

  496. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. What a coincidence!

    Stephen Wright

  497. When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!

    Irish Proverb

  498. Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

    Benjamin Franklin

  499. Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

    Dave Barry

  500. To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group.


  501. We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made.

    M. Facklam

  502. The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.


  503. Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard.

    Dave Barry

  504. I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl.

    Penny Ward Moser

  505. If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.

    Will Rogers

  506. I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were wearing masks for.

    James H. Boren

  507. My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil.

    Paul Getty

  508. Either that wallpaper goes, or I do.

    Oscar Wilde's last words (1854-1900)

  509. I am about to, or, I am going to die. Either expression is used.

    Last words of grammarian Dominique Bouhours

  510. Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts.

    Albert Einstein

  511. We do not see things as they are, but as we are ourselves.

    Henry Major Tomlinson

  512. Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

    Dr. Seuss

  513. Before we set our hearts too much upon anything, let us examine how happy they are who already possess it.

    François de La Rochefoucauld

  514. The most human thing we can do is comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.

    Clarence Darrow

  515. I can't hear the phrase "War is good for the economy" without also wondering whether cannibalism is good nutrition?


  516. I am an agnostic; I do not pretend to know what many ignorant men are sure of.

    Clarence Darrow

  517. When dealing with the insane, the best method is to pretend to be sane.

    Hermann Hesse

  518. The similarities between me and my father are different.

    Dale Berra, Yogi Berra's son

  519. When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad. That's my religion.

    Abraham Lincoln

  520. If we knew what we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

    Albert Einstein

  521. One reason why I don't drink is because I wish to know when I am having a good time.

    Nancy Astor

  522. Some men see things as they are and ask why. Others dream things that never were and ask why not.

    George Bernard Shaw

  523. The greatest danger for artists is total freedom.

    Federico Fellini

  524. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.


  525. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.


  526. To swear off making mistakes is very easy. All you have to do is swear off having ideas.

    Leo Burnett

  527. Too often we enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought.

    John F. Kennedy

  528. I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

    Galileo Galilei

  529. What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light.

    Mark Twain

  530. What progress we are making. In the Middle Ages they would have burned me. Now they are content with burning my books.

    Sigmund Freud

  531. It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.

    Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

  532. Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

    Mark Twain

  533. First, they ignore you. Then they laugh at you. Then they fight you. Then you win.

    Mahatma Gandhi

  534. A mind, once expanded by a new idea, never returns to its original dimensions.

    Oliver Wendell Holmes

  535. Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.


  536. My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

    Wendy Leibman

  537. I want my attorney, my tailor, my servants, even my wife to believe in God, and I think I shall then be robbed and cuckolded less often.


  538. When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.

    Gracie Allen

  539. Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?

    Abraham Lincoln

  540. Things may come to those who wait. But only the things left by those who hustle.

    Abraham Lincoln

  541. You have to do your own growing no matter how tall your grandfather was.

    Abraham Lincoln

  542. A positive attitude will not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

    Herm Albright

  543. America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves.

    Abraham Lincoln

  544. It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.

    Abraham Lincoln

  545. Patriotism is the last refuge of scoundrels.

    Mark Twain

  546. One of the striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.

    Mark Twain

  547. Courage is not the lack of fear. It is acting in spite of it.

    Mark Twain

  548. You can't break a bad habit by throwing it out the window. You've got to walk it slowly down the stairs.

    Mark Twain

  549. Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.

    Woody Allen

  550. A man's home may seem to be his castle on the outside; inside, it's often his nursery.

    Clare Booth Luce

  551. We must be willing to get rid of the life we planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.

    Joseph Campbell

  552. What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

    Henny Youngman

  553. I love being married. I was single for a long time and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences.

    Brian Kiley

  554. Whatever you wish for me, may you have twice as much.


  555. Self-respect: The secure feeling that no one, as yet, is suspicious.

    H.L. Mencken

  556. When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me.

    Emo Phillips

  557. Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

    John Mendosa

  558. Creative people who can't help but explore other mental territories are at greater risk, just as someone who climbs a mountain is more at risk than someone who just walks along a village lane.

    R.D. Laing

  559. There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval.

    George Santayana

  560. It does me no injury for my neighbor to say that there are twenty Gods or no Gods; it neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.

    Thomas Jefferson

  561. In order to assert something and mean it without qualification, I of course have to believe that it is true, but I don't have to believe that I could demonstrate its truth to all rational persons. The claim that something is universal and the acknowledgement that I couldn't necessarily prove it are logically independent of each other. The second does not undermine the first.

    Stanly Fish "Postmodern Warfare - The Ignorance Of Our Warrior Intellectuals" Harper's Magazine - July 2002

  562. A man's ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death.

    Albert Einstein

  563. But, then, the whole Net is a cookbook, and the chef's name is Google.

    Carl Distefano - Posted on the Xywrite Users Group

  564. The reason most individuals run into obstacles, is because they continue to focus on what is behind them.

    Brian G. Jett

  565. This sentence contains two erors.

    Douglas R. Hofstader "Gödel, Escher, Bach - an Eternal Golden Braid"

  566. Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account.

    Douglas R. Hofstader

  567. I'm old and I've had lots of troubles in my life - most of which never happened.

    Mark Twain

  568. The secret of a great success, for which you are at a loss to account, is a crime that has never been found out, because it was properly executed.

    Balzac's "Pere Goriot"

  569. When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, you think it's only a minute. But when you sit on a hot stove for a minute, you think it's two hours. That's relativity.

    Albert Einstein

  570. Be careful around those individuals who have bought into negativity, because they have the uncanny ability of selling it as well.

    Brian G. Jett

  571. The old believe everything: the middle-aged suspect everything: the young know everything.

    Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

  572. Liquid Panty Remover

    Billboard ad for Souther Comfort liqueur

  573. My Goddess gave birth to your God

    Bumper Sticker

  574. If you're not outraged, you're not paying attention.

    Bumper Sticker

  575. I don't mind straight people as long as they act gay in public.

    Bumper Sticker

  576. God was my co-pilot but we crashed in the mountains and I had to eat him.

    Bumper Sticker

  577. Feminism is the radical notion that women are people.

    Bumper Sticker

  578. Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

    Lily Tomlin

  579. Experience is not what happens to a man. It is what a man does with what happens to him.

    Aldous Huxley 1894

  580. Idealism is based on big ideas. And, as anybody who has ever been asked "What's the big idea?" knows, most big ideas are bad ones.

    P.J. O'Rourke

  581. Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

    Steven Wright

  582. When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped.

    Marcel Achard

  583. Newman's first law: It is useless to put on your brakes when you're upside down.

    Paul Newman

  584. I prefer a man who will burn the flag and then wrap himself in the Constitution to a man who will burn the Constitution and then wrap himself in the flag.

    Rep. Craig Washington

  585. Here's my thought about fake breasts: If I can touch them, they're real.

    Carson Daley

  586. A sobering thought: What if, right at this very moment, I am living up to my full potential?

    Jane Wagner

  587. It ain't what people don't know that's the problem, it's what they think they know that ain't so.

    Will Rogers (paraphrasing Josh Billings)

  588. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.

    Jimmy Shubert

  589. Hope is not the conviction that something will turn out well but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out.

    Vaclav Havel

  590. I can't say I was ever lost, but I was bewildered once for three days.

    Daniel Boone

  591. Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

    Martin Rees

  592. If E.F. Harriman paid me what he's paying those guys to stop me from robbing him, I'd stop robbing him.

    Butch Cassidy

  593. We, the unwilling, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much, for so long, with so little, we are now qualified to do anything with nothing.


  594. The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets.

    Jay Leno

  595. If people behaved like governments, you'd call the cops.

    Kelvin Throop III

  596. The Founders were right all along, but the results are a lot funnier than they intended.

    Molly Ivins

  597. All hawk and no spit.

    Molly Ivins

  598. As they say around the [Texas] Legislature, if you can't drink their whiskey, screw their women, take their money, and vote against 'em anyway, you don't belong in office.

    Molly Ivins

  599. If once a man indulges in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination.

    Thomas De Quincy (1785-1859)

  600. All right, then, I'll say it: Dante makes me sick.

    Last words of Spanish playwright Lope de Vega on being assured on his deathbed that his end was very near

  601. It took them only an instant to cut off that head, but it is unlikely that a hundred years will suffice to reproduce a similar one.

    Joseph Louis Lagrange (1736-1813) commenting on the execution of the french chemist Lavoisier

  602. All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.

    Homer Simpson

  603. Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.

    Chris Rock

  604. If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.

    Jack Lemmon

  605. It is obviously possible that what we call waking life may only be an unusual and persistent nightmare.

    Bertrand Russell

  606. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

    Ashleigh Brilliant

  607. Lady Astor: "Winston, if I were your wife I'd put poison in your coffee."
    Winston Churchill: "Nancy, if I were your husband I'd drink it."

  608. If you could buy a Greyhound bus ticket with food stamps this state would be empty.

    A wag in Maine

  609. My ancestors didn't come over on the Mayflower--they met the boat.

    Will Rogers

  610. When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth.

    George Bernard Shaw

  611. One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.


  612. In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language.

    Mark Twain

  613. The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side.

    Hunter S. Thompson

  614. Television is the first truly democratic culture, the first culture available to everybody and entirely governed by what the people want. The most terrifying thing is what people do want.

    Clive Barnes

  615. If professional wrestling did not exist, could you come up with this idea? Could you envision the popularity of huge men in tiny bathing suits, pretending to fight?

    Jerry Seinfeld

  616. If you have two hours to live, see this movie — it will make those two hours seem like two weeks.

    Movie Reviewer Blake French, about Kevin Costner's "Open Range"

  617. Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.

    Edward R. Murrow

  618. God is a comedian playing to an audience that is afraid to laugh.


  619. Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts", but "you have to put your two cents in"? Somebody's making a penny

    George Carlin

  620. In an interview, Cher claimed that at one point in her life she was celibate for six straight years. And then she turned seven.

    Craig Kilborn

  621. It's never too late to be what you might have been.

    George Eliot

  622. I want to be what I was when I wanted to be what I am now.


  623. We know nothing at all. All our knowledge is but the knowledge of schoolchildren. The real nature of things we shall never know.

    Albert Einstein

  624. It's easy to have a complicated idea. It's very very hard to have a simple idea.

    Carver Mead

  625. All our lauded technological progress - our very civilization - is like the axe in the hand of the pathological criminal.

    Albert Einstein

  626. I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

    Groucho Marx

  627. Those who do not stop asking silly questions become scientists.

    Leon Lederman, Physicist

  628. I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.

    Clarence Darrow

  629. He is a self-made man & worships his creator.

    John Bright

  630. He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

    Winston Churchill

  631. A modest little person, with much to be modest about.

    Winston Churchill

  632. He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.

    William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

  633. Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?

    Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

  634. He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.

    Samuel Johnson

  635. He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.

    Paul Keating

  636. He had delusions of adequacy.

    Walter Kerr

  637. There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.

    Jack E. Leonard

  638. He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

    Abraham Lincoln

  639. He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.

    Robert Redford

  640. They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.

    Thomas Brackett Reed

  641. He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.

    James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

  642. In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.

    Charles, Count Talleyrand

  643. He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.

    Forrest Tucker

  644. Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?

    Mark Twain

  645. Don't get mad, get Valium!

    Spam subject line

  646. His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.

    Mae West

  647. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

    Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

  648. He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.

    Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

  649. He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...for support rather than illumination.

    Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

  650. He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

    Billy Wilder

  651. One trouble with growing older is that it gets progressively tougher to find a famous historical figure who didn't amount to much when he was your age.

    Bill Vaughan

  652. On the internet, nobody knows you're a dog.

    Peter Steiner

  653. If you don't think too good, don't think too much.

    Ted Williams

  654. The United States is putting together a Constitution now for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It's served us well for 200 years, and we don't appear to be using it anymore. So what the hell?

    Jay Leno 2003

  655. Chloroform in print

    Mark Twain, about the Mormon bible

  656. You cannot lead your horse to water here. You have no permit.


  657. It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.

    Andre Gide

  658. Humans are basically good. That's why it takes so much training to march march march kill kill kill kill.

    Maxine Hong Kingston

  659. There are two kinds of people who never amount to much: those who cannot do what they are told, and those who can do nothing else.

    Cyrus Curtis

  660. I'm superstitious. Before I start a movie, I always kill a hobo with a hammer.

    Gwyneth Paltrow, on Conan O'Brien's ten year celebration special

  661. If God existed, and if he cared for humankind, He would never have given us religion.

    Martin Amis

  662. The things that will destroy us are: politics without principle; pleasure without conscience; wealth without work; knowledge without character; business without morality; science without humanity, and worship without sacrifice.

    Mahatma Gandhi

  663. Marihuana leads to pacifism and communist brainwashing.

    Federal Bureau of Narcotics Chief Harry J. Anslinger, 1948

  664. Reefer makes darkies think they're as good as white men.

    Federal Bureau of Narcotics Chief Harry J. Anslinger, 1929

  665. Marihuana is taken by ".....musicians. And I'm not speaking about good musicians, but the jazz type..."

    Harry J. Anslinger, Commissioner of the US Bureau of Narcotics 1930-1962

  666. The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

    Albert Einstein

  667. They call war an art, but it isn't. It largely consists in outwitting people, robbing widows and orphans, and inflicting suffering on the helpless for one's own ends - and that's not art: that's business.

    Kenneth Roberts

  668. I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.


  669. The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift.

    Albert Einstein

  670. I never submitted the whole system of my opinions to the creed of any party of men whatever in religion, in philosophy, in politics, or in anything else where I was capable of thinking for myself. Such an addiction is the last degradation of a free and moral agent.

    Thomas Jefferson

  671. Three men can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

    Joseph Stalin

  672. To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can you give me a hand?' You can say, 'Sorry, got these sacks.'

    Jack Handey

  673. Don't do unto others what you would have others do unto you . . . they may have different tastes.


  674. Be good. If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, don't name it after me.


  675. Don't leave precautions to the boy unless he promises to have the baby.


  676. Nothing is impossible. Some things are just less likely than others.

    Jonathan Winters

  677. Nationalism is an infantile diease, the measles of mankind.

    Albert Einstein

  678. There are three ways to get things done: 1) Do it yourself. 2) Hire someone to do it. 3) Forbid your kids to do it.


  679. It's not hard to tell we was poor -- when you saw the toilet paper dryin' on the clothesline.

    George Lindsey

  680. If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

    George Bernard Shaw

  681. A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.

    Robert Frost

  682. History is an angel being blown backwards into the future.

    Laurie Anderson

  683. Self-confidence is the feeling that no one, as yet, is suspicious.

    H.L. Mencken

  684. All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

    Steven Wright

  685. You make the bed, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.

    Joan Rivers

  686. Paradise is exactly like where you are right now...only much, much better.

    Laurie Anderson

  687. I still believe that sex is dirty. It's just that now I wouldn't have it any other way.

    Lilly Tomlin

  688. You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

    Joe E. Lewis

  689. I have deep faith that the principle of the universe will be beautiful and simple.

    Albert Einstein

  690. Politics is more difficult than physics.

    Albert Einstein

  691. We owe almost all our knowledge not to those who have agreed, but to those who have differed.

    Charles Caleb Colton (1780-1832. English clergyman)

  692. First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

    George Burns

  693. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

    George Jean Nathan

  694. You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label.

    Mark Twain

  695. A nation is a society united by a delusion about its ancestry and by a common hatred of its neighbors.

    William Ralph Inge

  696. It is the duty of the patriot to protect his country from its government.

    Thomas Paine

  697. Fix reason firmly in her seat, and call to her tribunal every fact, every opinion. Question with boldness even the existence of a god; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason, than that of blindfolded fear.

    Thomas Jefferson

  698. The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.

    Winston Churchill

  699. An aphorism is not an aphorism unless you know what it means.

    Winston Churchill

  700. Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

    M. Kathleen Casey

  701. Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

    Napoleon Bonaparte

  702. Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it's important.

    Eugene McCarthy

  703. Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.


  704. He declared to inspectors that he had monkeys. I believe he did say they were in his pants.

    A reporter describing a monkey smuggler's encounter with U.S. Customs inspectors

  705. At LAX last week, officials there caught a man on a flight from Thailand trying to smuggle in two pygmy monkeys in the crotch of his pants. That a good idea? Don't monkeys eat bananas?

    Jay Leno

  706. Sighted people, you gotta deal with them.

    Ray Charles

  707. How come drummers leave their drumsticks on the dashboard of their car? So they can park in the handicapped spaces.

    Dave Grohl from the Foo Fighters

  708. I'm looking for loopholes.

    W.C. Fields, thumbing through the Bible on his death bed

  709. I really didn't realize the librarians were, you know, such a dangerous group. They are subversive. You think they're just sitting there at the desk, all quiet and everything. They're like plotting the revolution, man. I wouldn't mess with them.

    Michael Moore

  710. A a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

    Caskie Stinnett

  711. The truth that makes men free is for the most part the truth which men prefer not to hear.

    Herbert Agar

  712. A banker is a person who is willing to make a loan if you present sufficient evidence to show you don't need it.

    Herbert V. Prochnow

  713. Building more prisons to address crime is like building more graveyards to address a fatal disease.

    Robert Gangi, Correctional expert

  714. It had long since come to my attention that people of accomplishment rarely sat back and let things happen to them. They went out and happened to things.

    Elinor Smith

  715. To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally convenient solutions; both dispose with the necessity of reflection.

    Henri Poincaré

  716. It is dangerous to be right in matters on which the established authorities are wrong.


  717. To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid; you must also be well mannered.


  718. Doubt is not a pleasant mental state but certainty is a ridiculous one.


  719. Army food doesn't agree with me. I've had five of those MREs and I don't think any of them have an exit strategy.

    Al Franken

  720. Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean.

    basepall player Pedro Guerrero on reporters

  721. If ants are such busy workers, how come they find time to go to all the picnics?

    Marie Dressler, Canadian actress

  722. Americans have different ways of saying things. They say 'elevator', we say 'lift'. They say 'President', we say 'stupid psychopathic git'...

    Alexi Sayle

  723. We are all born charming, fresh, and spontaneous and must be civilized before we are fit to participate in society.

    Judith Martin (Miss Manners)

  724. If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read 'President Can't Swim'.

    Lyndon B. Johnson

  725. I believe that love - not imitation - is the sincerest form of flattery. Your imitator thinks that you can be duplicated; your lover knows you can't.

    Marilyn Vos Savant

  726. Viewed up close, nobody is normal.

    Caetano Veloso

  727. Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.

    Fran Lebowitz

  728. Civilization is a zoo in the middle of a jungle.


  729. If you understood everything I said, you'd be me.

    Miles Davis

  730. I tried exercise as a means of burning fat, but it didn't work for me. When the fat started burning, it smelled like bacon and made me hungry.


  731. There are three kinds of men: 1. The ones that learn by reading. 2. The few who learn by observation. 3. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

    Will Rogers

  732. It's been over five years since I had a drink. I kind of miss sex.

    Tracy Smith

  733. No unmet needs exist and ...current unmet needs that are being met will continue to be met.

    Transportation Commission on Unmet Transit Needs, Mariposa County, California

  734. When in doubt steer towards the enemy.

    Anon (Ancient)

  735. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

    Noel Coward

  736. You'll miss 100% of all the shots you don't take.

    Wayne Gretsky

  737. It's been a fabulous year for Laura and me.

    George W. Bush., three months after the World Trade Center towers went down

  738. It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and chemistry.

    H.L. Mencken

  739. It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows.

    Epictetus (50-138 A.D. )

  740. Happiness is the absence of the striving for happiness.

    Chuang-tzu (B.C. 350)

  741. Iraq is not another Vietnam...this time it's a dry heat.

    B. Henderson

  742. There are things of deadly earnest that can only be mentioned under the cover of a joke.

    J.J. Procter

  743. If they can get you asking the wrong questions, they don't have to worry about the answers.

    Thomas Pynchon

  744. There is no way of proving your point to someone whose income and position depend upon believing the contrary.

    Sydney Harris

  745. I did not get my Spaghetti-O's, I got spaghetti. I want the press to know this.

    Thomas J. Grasso, d. March 20, 1995 Executed by injection, Oklahoma

  746. I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis.

    Humphrey Bogart's last words

  747. The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.

    Victor Borge

  748. I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.

    Ralph Waldo Emerson

  749. Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge where there is no river.

    Nikita Khrushchev

  750. If I spray it with Raid do I get a discount?

    Pam Browning, in a health-food store

  751. Science reserves the highest reward for those of you who disprove our most cherished beliefs. At any moment someone from any walk of life could come forward and be responsible for a complete revision of our view of everything.

    Ann Druyan

  752. If triangles had a god, he would have three sides.


  753. You can safely assume that you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.

    Anne Lamott

  754. I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.

    Ohio U. English professor

  755. The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by an endless series of hobgoblins.

    H.L. Mencken

  756. The cosmos is a gigantic fly-wheel making 10,000 revolutions a minute. Man is a sick fly taking a dizzy ride on it. Religion is the theory that the wheel was designed and set spinning to give him the ride.

    H.L. Mencken

  757. There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

    Will Rogers

  758. Never mistake motion for action.

    Ernest Hemingway

  759. Love is the feeling that you're feeling when the feeling that you're feeling is the feeling you've never felt before.


  760. We often say: There is light at the end of the tunnel. We forget there was light at the beginning of the tunnel. There was no need to get into the tunnel in the first place.

    Shabbir Banoobhaiv

  761. I am accountable. But the little guys were responsible. I was just giving orders.

    The Rummy Defense

  762. John Redwood is a young man, but, let's face it, so was Margaret Thatcher in 1975.

    Edward Leigh, member of Parliament, during a radio interview

  763. In the future, everyone will have fifteen minutes of fame. Followed by fifteen minutes of legal problems, fifteen minutes of ridicule from late-night TV hosts, fifteen minutes of obscurity, and fifteen minutes of "Where are they now?".

    Dan Piraro

  764. In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

    Paul Dirac

  765. A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.

    Rhonda Hansome

  766. I'm in therapy now. I used to be in denial, which is a lot cheaper.

    Robin Greenspan

  767. I believe I can confide in you, because I got your name from the internet.

    Drus Zulu (the name at the bottom of a "Nigerian" type scam email)

  768. Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strength.

    Eric Hoffer

  769. A neurosis is a secret that you don't know you are keeping.

    Kenneth Tynan

  770. If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.

    Sue Grafton

  771. No, Steve, I think it's more like we both had this rich neighbor named Xerox and I broke in to steal the TV set and found out that you had already stolen it.

    Bill Gates' reply when Steve Jobs accused Microsoft of stealing Apple's design and interface

  772. Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

    Charlotte Whitton

  773. Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.

    An actual tip from page 16 of the HP Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees

  774. I always wanted to be the last guy on Earth, just to see if all those women were lying to me.

    Ronnie Shakes

  775. I'd worship the ground you'd walk on if you lived in a better neighborhood.

    Billy Wilder, to his future wife

  776. You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

    W.W. Renwick

  777. If advertisers spent the same amount of money on improving their products as they do on advertising, then they wouldn't have to advertise them.

    Will Rogers

  778. The plural of anecdote is not data.

    Frank Kotsonis

  779. Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law.


  780. In matters of conscience, the law of the majority has no place.

    Mahatma Gandhi

  781. If you think you can do a thing or you think you can't do a thing, you're right.

    Henry Ford

  782. If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.

    Dean Martin

  783. There is no moral precept that does not have something inconvenient about it.

    Denis Diderot

  784. Somewhere in the world is a doctor who is worse than all other doctors...and someone has an appointment with him in the morning.

    George Carlin

  785. Whenever I see the awful pictures of those poor prisoners at Abu Ghraib I have to ask myself, who would Jesus torture?


  786. Spam to be eliminated in 2 years, get your penis enlarged before it's too late


  787. Announcing your plans is a good way to hear God laugh.

    Al Swearengen

  788. The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life.

    Muhammad Ali

  789. When a girl goes wrong - men go right after her.

    Mae West

  790. A man in the house is worth two in the street.

    Mae West

  791. Good sex is like good Bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

    Mae West

  792. The trouble with talking too fast is you may say something you haven't thought of yet.

    Ann Landers

  793. A company has come out with a George Bush action figure that commemorates his landing on an aircraft carrier earlier this year. The company says by posing Bush and making him talk, kids can get an idea of what it's like to be Dick Cheney.

    Jay Leno

  794. Books are important. They help you sleep at night.

    First Lady Laura Bush, on the Oprah Winfrey Show

  795. He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.

    George Bernard Shaw

  796. Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

    Fran Lebowitz, Social Studies (1981)

  797. Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met.

    Fran Lebowitz, Social Studies (1981)

  798. Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.

    Fran Lebowitz, Metropolitan Life (1978)

  799. All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.

    Fran Lebowitz, Metropolitan Life (1978)

  800. Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.

    Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See

  801. If you don't go to other men's funerals, they won't come to yours.

    Clarence Day, Life with Father (1935)

  802. Once you discover white paint, you'll never wash your underwear again.

    Conan O'Brien

  803. A Patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government.

    Edward Abbey (1924-1989) US Author

  804. Think like a man of action, act like a man of thought.

    Henri Bergson

  805. Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

    Ronald Reagan

  806. If I had only known that was going to be my fifteen minutes of fame, I'd have run that sucker through a spell checker and taken more care while writing the surrounding material.

    James D. Nicoll, about his famous quote above

  807. And you know what English is? English is the result of Norman men-at-arms trying to make dates with Saxon barmaids, and no more legitimate than any of the other results.

    H. Beam Piper, "The Other Human Race"

  808. We must respect the other fellows religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

    Minority Report: H.L. Mencken's Notebooks (1956)

  809. Philadelphia is the most pecksniffian of American cities, and thus probably leads the world.

    H.L. Mencken, The American Language (1919)

  810. Going out to eat is expensive. I was out at one restaurant and they didn't have prices on the menu. Just faces with different expressions of horror.

    Rita Rudner

  811. I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires.

    Susan B. Anthony

  812. I asked a Burmese why women, after centuries of following their men, now walk ahead. He said there were many unexploded land mines since the war.

    Robert Mueller, Look, Mar. 5, 1957

  813. Back in my day, they hadn't invented electricity. We had to watch television by candlelight and shows like Star Trek were impossible.

    Wilson "Bob" Tucker

  814. From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

    Groucho Marx - a blurb for S. J. Perelman "Dawn Ginsbergh's Revenge" (1929)

  815. I'm too fucking busy, and vice versa.

    Dorothy Parker

  816. There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

    Steven Wright

  817. Madness is not enlightenment, but the search for enlightenment is often mistaken for madness.

    Richard Davenport-Hines

  818. When a man gives his opinion he's a man. When a woman gives her opinion she's a bitch.

    Bette Davis

  819. The world is divided into two kinds of people: those who have tattoos, and those who are afraid of people with tattoos.


  820. Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn't want to own one.

    W.C. Fields

  821. The first human who hurled an insult instead of a stone was the founder of civilization.

    Sigmund Freud

  822. Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something.

    Robert Heinlein

  823. Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.

    President George W. Bush.

  824. There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.

    Steve Martin.

  825. Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

    Susan Ertz

  826. When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer 'Present' or 'Not guilty.'

    Theodore Roosevelt

  827. You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating the very phrases which our founding fathers used in their struggle for independence.

    Charles A. Beard

  828. Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

    Isaac Asimov

  829. The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'

    Isaac Asimov

  830. That's libertarians for you - anarchists who want police protection from their slaves.

    Kim Stanley Robinson "Green Mars"

  831. As democracy is perfected, the office of president represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.

    H.L. Mencken

  832. The hardest thing about any political campaign is how to win without proving that you are unworthy of winning.

    Adlai Stevenson

  833. Once you've put one of his books down, you simply can't pick it up again.

    Mark Twain on Henry James

  834. This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

    Dorothy Parker

  835. I went to watch Pavarotti once. He doesn't like it when you join in.

    Mick Miller

  836. I'm furious about the Women's Liberationists. They keep getting up on soapboxes and proclaiming that women are brighter than men. That's true, but it should be kept very quiet or it ruins the whole racket.

    Anita Loos

  837. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.


  838. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.


  839. The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.

    George Bernard Shaw

  840. The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think it's their fault.

    Henry Kissinger

  841. Some days it just isn't worth chewing through the leather straps.

    Emo Phillips

  842. Money is good for bribing yourself through the inconveniences of life.

    Gottfried Reinhardt

  843. I think it's about time we voted for senators with breasts. After all, we've been voting for boobs long enough.

    Claire Sargent, a failed Arizona senatorial candidate

  844. I'm sorry, but we're not in L. A. anymore.

    Johnny Depp, to a fellow patron in a resturant in France annoyed by his smoking

  845. Living in a vacuum sucks.

    Adrienne Gusoff

  846. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?


  847. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, 'Well, THAT'S not going to happen'.


  848. If electricity comes from electrons...does morality come from morons?


  849. And where does she find them?

    Dorthy Parker, when told that Claire Booth Luce was invariably kind to her inferiors

  850. When life hands you lemons, ask for salt and a bottle of tequila.


  851. Vision without action is a daydream. Action without vision is a nightmare.

    Japanese Proverb

  852. Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

    Ambrose Bierce

  853. Some people die at 25 but aren't buried until they are 70.

    Mark Twain

  854. Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.

    Fran Lebowitz "Metropolitan Life" (1978)

  855. Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

    Fran Lebowitz "Social Studies" (1977)

  856. There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death.

    Fran Lebowitz "Metropolitan Life" (1978)

  857. Sleep is death without the responsibility.

    Fran Lebowitz "Metropolitan Life" (1978)

  858. Hope is the feeling we have that the feeling we have is not permanent.

    Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook (1963)

  859. Radio is the theater of the mind; television is the theater of the mindless.

    Steve Allen

  860. All you have to do is go down to the bottom of your swimming pool and hold your breath.

    David Miller, US DOE spokesperson, on protecting yourself from nuclear radiation

  861. Sit by the homely girl, you'll look better by comparison.

    Debra Maffett, Miss America 1983

  862. Money doesn't talk, it swears.

    Bob Dylan

  863. Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.

    Mark Twain

  864. Patriotism is supporting your country all the time and your government when it deserves it.

    Mark Twain

  865. The feeling of patriotism - It is an immoral feeling because, instead of confessing himself a son of God...or even a free man guided by his own reason, each man under the influence of patriotism confesses himself the son of his fatherland and the slave of his government, and commits actions contrary to his reason and conscience.

    Leo Tolstoy "Patriotism and Government"

  866. Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.

    Albert Schweitzer (1875-1965)

  867. Lack of pep is often mistaken for patience.

    Opening line of a spam email message

  868. I'll wash up as far as possible and down as far as possible and then you will have to wash 'possible'.

    Nurse to her male patient

  869. To me, boxing is like ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

    Paul J. Rainey

  870. Whenever you eliminate the inedible, whatever remains, however unpalatable, must be food.


  871. Being a good example is hard. I'm trying to serve as a horrible warning instead.

    Pickles comic strip 7/4/05

  872. I may have invented it, but Bill Gates made it famous.

    David Bradley, who invented the Ctrl-Alt-Del reboot

  873. So live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.

    Will Rogers

  874. Ben Franklin may have discovered electricity - but it was the man who invented the meter who made the money.

    Earl Warren

  875. Apparently there are different food pyramids for meeting different people's needs. I'm gonna guess mine is a mile-high spike of smoked ham, 1,000 feet wide at the base.

    Kent Montoya, Coach (fake quote from The Onion)

  876. I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

    Elayne Boosler

  877. Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.

    Steven Wright

  878. Sex, of course, has been a feature of human entertainment since the first caveman learned to grunt suggestively to his buddies when a cavewoman walked past.


  879. The chief function of stock-market forecasters is to make astrologers look respectable.

    Jane Bryant Quinn in Newsweek, October 18, 1993

  880. Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.

    Ellen DeGeneres

  881. Should any political party attempt to abolish social security, unemployment insurance, and eliminate labor laws and farm programs, you would not hear of that party again in our political history. There is a tiny splinter group, of course, that believes that you can do these things. Among them are a few Texas oil millionaires, and an occasional politician or businessman from other areas. Their number is negligible and they are stupid.

    President Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1952

  882. When the missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said "Let us pray." We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.

    Desmond Tutu

  883. I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'.

    Bruce Baum

  884. I have a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder.

    Craig Charles

  885. Temper gets you into trouble. Pride keeps you there.


  886. Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.

    Soren Kierkegaard

  887. Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: If you're alive, it isn't.

    Richard Bach

  888. The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and having the two as close together as possible.

    George Burns

  889. Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.

    Victor Borge

  890. What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.

    Mark Twain

  891. I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

    Zsa Zsa Gabor

  892. And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.

    Friedrich Nietzsche

  893. My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

    Ed Furgol

  894. Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

    Spike Milligan

  895. At my age flowers scare me.

    George Burns

  896. Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

    Herbert Henry Asquith

  897. Civilization means conforming to a standard of behavior that may not seem natural to us.

    Andy Rooney

  898. Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.

    Mark Twain

  899. Everyone is a potential murderer. I have not killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction out of obituary notices.

    Clarence Darrow

  900. I think---therefore I'm single.

    Lizz Winstead

  901. What happened to you could have been worse - it could have happened to me.

    Ashleigh Brilliant

  902. My wife has a slight impediment in her speech - every now and then she stops to breathe.

    Jimmy Durante

  903. My wife says I don't listen to her.... or something like that.

    Pat Paulsen

  904. Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

    Henny Youngman

  905. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.


  906. The sinning is the best part of repentance.

    Arab Proverb

  907. The afternoon knows what the morning never suspected.

    Cousin Woodman

  908. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

    Wendy Liebman

  909. We live in a decaying age. Young people no longer respect their parents. They are rude and impatient. They frequently inhabit taverns and have no self control.

    Buckminster Fuller, quoting an inscription on a 6,000 year-old Egyptian tomb

  910. The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

    Franklin P. Jones

  911. I can't help but think that the stronger sex is really the weaker sex because of the weakness of the stronger sex for the weaker sex.

    Jody Scott

  912. Opportunity is missed by most people because it comes dressed in overalls and looks like work.

    Thomas Edison

  913. I've spent years trying to ‘get in touch with my inner child,’ but now my new therapist tells me it's mostly been inappropriate touching.


  914. These parents, they think I'm a role model for their kids, that their kids look at me as some sort of idol. But it's the parents' job to make sure their kids don't turn out that shallow.

    Britney Spears

  915. If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rather rent out Texas and live in Hell.

    General Philip Sheridan, quoted in George Stimpson, A Book About a Thousand Things (1946)

  916. Life is 10 percent what you make it and 90 percent how you take it.

    Irving Berlin

  917. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.

    James Bovard, Civil Libertarian

  918. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

    George Bernard Shaw

  919. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

    P.J. O'Rourke

  920. Chaperons, even in their days of glory, were almost never able to enforce morality; what they did was to force immorality to be discreet. This is no small contribution.

    Judith Martin (Miss Manners)

  921. We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.

    Winston Churchill

  922. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

    Mark Twain

  923. The Edge...there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over.

    Hunter S. Thompson

  924. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

    Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

  925. Experts agree that the best type of computer for your individual needs is one that comes on the market about two days after you actually purchase some other computer.

    Dave Barry

  926. Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.

    Sam Brown

  927. A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.

    Robert Frost

  928. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough not to quit.

    George Carlin

  929. I once wrote a children's book....they told me later.


  930. Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't.

    Mark Twain

  931. The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

    Elizabeth Taylor

  932. Be aware that a halo has to fall only a few inches to be a noose.

    Dan McKinnon

  933. If God didn’t want us to masturbate he’d have made our arms shorter.

    George Carlin

  934. The blogger's philosophy goes something like this: Everything that I think about is more fascinating than the crap in your head.

    Dogbert (Scott Adams)

  935. You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

    Bob Hope, on turning 90

  936. There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?

    Dick Cavett

  937. The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or fight its enemies is lunch.

    Michael Friedman

  938. God says, "Please do not go to hell".

    Title of a christian pamphlet

  939. I think it would be a good idea.

    Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948), when asked what he thought of Western civilization

  940. In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice, there is.


  941. Balaban's Law: In theory, theory and reality are the same thing. In reality, they're different.


  942. Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.

    Charles Schultz

  943. I never understood the fear of some parents about babies getting mixed up in the hospital. What difference does it make as long as you get a good one?

    Heywood Brown

  944. Unattended children will be given an espresso and a free puppy.

    Sign in a gift shop window

  945. Seeing a murder on television can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

    Alfred Hitchcock

  946. Even he, to whom most things that most people would think were pretty smart were pretty dumb, thought it was pretty smart.

    Douglas Adams

  947. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.


  948. Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.

    Abraham Lincoln

  949. Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

    Mark Twain

  950. It is more shameful to distrust one's friends than to be deceived by them.

    François de La Rochefoucauld

  951. Why must we have sufficient memory to retain the smallest details of what has happened to us, and yet not enough to recollect how many times we have recounted them to the same person?

    la Rochfoucauld

  952. If anything can survive the probe of humour it is clearly of value, and conversely all groups who claim immunity from laughter are claiming special privileges which should not be granted.

    Eric Idle

  953. Science is the belief in the ignorance of experts.

    Richard Feynman

  954. If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

    Carl Sagan

  955. The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

    Niels Bohr

  956. There are two possible outcomes: if the result confirms the hypothesis, then you've made a measurement. If the result is contrary to the hypothesis, then you've made a discovery.

    Enrico Fermi

  957. Miss Manners does not mind explaining the finer points of gracious living, but she feels that anyone without the sense to pick up a potato chip and stuff it in their face should probably not be running around loose on the streets.

    Judith Martin (Miss Manners)

  958. To listen to some devout people, one would imagine that God never laughs.

    Sri Aurobindo

  959. Intelligence is like four-wheel drive. It allows you to get stuck in more remote places.

    Garrison Keillor

  960. Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

    Jerry Seinfeld

  961. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.

    James Branch Cabell

  962. When you want to fool the world, tell the truth.

    Otto von Bismarck

  963. All journeys have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware.

    Martin Buber

  964. Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

    Voltaire (1694-1778) on his deathbed in response to a priest asking that he renounce Satan

  965. Did you know that if all the smokers were laid end-to-end around the world, three-quarters of them would drown?


  966. Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.

    Abraham Lincoln

  967. Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation.

    Kin Hubbard

  968. If the English language made any sense, a catastrophe would be an apostrophe with fur.

    Doug Larson

  969. As time goes on, new and remoter aspects of truth are discovered which can seldom be fitted into creeds that are changeless.

    Clarence Day

  970. A man likes his wife to be just clever enough to comprehend his cleverness, and just stupid enough to admire it.

    Israel Zangwill

  971. I must decline your invitation owing to a subsequent engagement.

    Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

  972. For every problem there is a solution which is simple, clean and wrong.

    H.L. Mencken

  973. When you have steak at home, why would you want to go around the corner for a burger?

    Paul Newman, refering to his wife Joanne Woodward

  974. Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.

    Kin Hubbard

  975. There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.

    Erma Bombeck

  976. Justice is open to everyone in the same way as the Ritz Hotel.

    Judge Sturgess, 1928

  977. I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

    Jon Stewart

  978. I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

    George Carlin

  979. If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.

    John Kenneth Galbraith

  980. The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him.

    Stanislaw Jerszy Lec

  981. Live Every Day As If You're Dying Of A Contagious Disease That Turns People You Bite Into Zombies

    Fake book title from "The Onion"

  982. They say there are only two kinds of people on St. Patrick's Day: the Irish, and the people that drive them home.

    Conan O'Brien

  983. Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is like expecting a bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.

    Dennis Wholey

  984. Nobody in the game of football should be called a genius. A genius is somebody like Norman Einstein.

    Joe Theismann

  985. Talent hits a target no one else can hit; Genius hits a target no one else can see.

    Arthur Schopenhauer

  986. Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.

    John Wilmot

  987. When the President gives a speech, he sounds like he's talking to children. That may be because that's how things have been explained to him.

    Graydon Carter, about President G.W.Bush - on Bill Maher's Real Time

  988. Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

    Philip K. Dick

  989. Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992, because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may re-apply if there is a change in your circumstances.

    State Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

  990. I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.

    Mark Twain

  991. Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

    Steven Wright

  992. I miss the old days where a man would build a skyscraper with his bare hands just to make you stop hitting him with a shovel.

    Scott Adams "Dilbert"

  993. I know I'm doing something right when my business practices gag a rat.

    Scott Adams "Dilbert"

  994. You're loathsome and despicable. If crud wore shoes, you would be the crud in the crud's shoes.

    Scott Adams "Dilbert"

  995. If the water company can pipe water to my house, why can't the toothpaste company do the same?

    Scott Adams "Dilbert"

  996. If you're so smart, let's see you describe our future without using the word "doomed".

    Scott Adams "Dilbert"

  997. My voice mailbox is full, and my spam filter rejects all incoming email. As soon as I build up a good load of ear wax, I'll be totally off the grid.

    Scott Adams "Dilbert"

  998. If history is my guide, you will abuse the next hour of my life by insisting that I defend your misunderstanding of what I think.

    Scott Adams "Dilbert"

  999. Doctor to patient: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.


  1000. The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good...spit it out.


  1001. It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have been searching for evidence which could support this.

    Bertrand Russell

  1002. Librarians are the (secret) masters of the universe; they control information. Don't ever piss one off.

    Spider Robinson

  1003. Correct me if I'm wrong, but hasn't the fine line between sanity and madness gotten finer?

    George Price

  1004. When I travel on an airplane, I like to be served TWA milk and TWA coffee. But I love to be served TWA tea.

    Richard Lederer

  1005. Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the bitch up with cookies.


  1006. Sure, companies say they're sensitive to their employees' cultural heritages, but show up on casual Friday wearing a necklace made from the ears of your vanquished enemies and all hell breaks loose.

    Brad Wilkerson

  1007. We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue than malnutrition.

    Dr. Alex Comfort

  1008. The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.

    Dudley Moore (1935 - 2002)

  1009. Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog.

    Doug Larson

  1010. A scientist is a man who changes his beliefs according to reality, a theist is a man who changes reality to match his beliefs.

    Volker Braun (1998)

  1011. It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

    Erma Bombeck

  1012. An optimist may see a light where there is none, but why must the pessimist always run to blow it out?

    René Descartes

  1013. When I tell the truth, it is not for the sake of convincing those who do not know it, but for the sake of defending those that do.

    William Blake

  1014. For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three.

    Alice Kahn

  1015. All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian.

    Pat Paulsen

  1016. I could not believe Elvis was dead....until I heard that he had voted in Cook County.


  1017. If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.

    Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

  1018. If people never did silly things, nothing intelligent would ever get done.

    Ludwig Wittgenstein

  1019. The greatest obstacle to discovery is not ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge.

    Daniel J. Boorstin

  1020. When I get a little money I buy books; and if any is left, I buy food and clothes.

    Desiderius Erasmus

  1021. We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

    Dave Barry

  1022. All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income.

    Samuel Butler

  1023. If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito.

    Betty Reese

  1024. Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.

    W.C. Fields

  1025. Shouldn't the Air and Space Museum be empty?

    Dennis Miller

  1026. If a three year old kid tells you that you are ugly -- you probably are.

    Tim Hylka

  1027. When I am abroad, I always make it a rule never to criticize or attack the government of my own country. I make up for lost time when I come home.

    Sir Winston Churchill

  1028. Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.


  1029. Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, "No, thank you," to dessert that night. And for what?

    Erma Bombeck

  1030. Well behaved women rarely make history.

    Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

  1031. You are remembered for the rules you break.

    Douglas MacArthur

  1032. There are some frauds so well conducted that it would be stupidity not to be deceived by them.

    Charles Caleb Colton (1780-1832) British sportsman, writer

  1033. It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.

    Ralph Waldo Emerson

  1034. A stupid person can make only certain, limited types of errors; the mistakes open to a clever fellow are far broader. But to the one who knows how smart he is compared to everyone else, the possibilities for true idiocy are boundless.

    Steven Brust

  1035. I think we consider too much the good luck of the early bird, and not enough the bad luck of the early worm.

    Franklin Delano Roosevelt

  1036. I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it.

    Terry Pratchett

  1037. All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.

    Raymond Hull

  1038. Political designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give an appearance of solidity to pure wind.

    George Orwell

  1039. A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally.

    Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

  1040. I like men who have a future and women who have a past.

    Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

  1041. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.


  1042. When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities.

    Matt Groening

  1043. We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.

    George Carlin

  1044. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.


  1045. The terrorists hate our freedom, so by eliminating the freedom, we can stop the terrorists from hating us.


  1046. There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

    Woody Allen

  1047. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

    Stephen Wright

  1048. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

    Emo Philips

  1049. I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease.

    William E. Gladstone (see next quote)

  1050. That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.

    Benjamin Disraeli's response (British Prime Minister 1874-1880)

  1051. The curve is more powerful than the sword.

    Mae West

  1052. Television has done much for psychiatry by spreading information about it, as well as contributing to the need for it.

    Alfred Hitchcock

  1053. Being offended is the natural consequence of leaving one's home. I do not like aftershave lotion, adults who roller-skate, children who speak French, or anyone who is unduly tan. I do not, however, go around enacting legislation and putting up signs.

    Fran Lebowitz

  1054. The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog

    Ambrose Bierce

  1055. As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.

    Albert Einstein

  1056. The hardest thing about being a writer is convincing your boss that you're really working when you're staring out the window.

    from "Shoe" comic strip

  1057. An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.

    H.L. Mencken

  1058. Research is the process of going up alleys to see if they are blind.

    Marston Bates

  1059. Rogues are preferable to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest.

    Alexandre Dumas

  1060. Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

    Albert Einstein

  1061. In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.

    Douglas Adams

  1062. It should be noted that no ethically-trained software engineer would ever consent to write a DestroyBaghdad procedure. Basic professional ethics would instead require him to write a DestroyCity procedure, to which Baghdad could be given as a parameter.

    Nathaniel S. Borenstein

  1063. Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

    George Carlin

  1064. The Constitution only gives people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself.

    Benjamin Franklin

  1065. Nobody knows the age of the human race, but everybody agrees that it is old enough to know better.


  1066. Always forgive your enemies -- Nothing annoys them so much.

    Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

  1067. It is the classic fallacy of our time that a moron run through a university and decorated with a Ph.D. will thereby cease to be a moron.

    H.L. Mencken

  1068. The only people who can change the world are people who want to. And not everybody does.

    Hugh Macleod

  1069. Any commander who fails to exceed his authority is not of much use to his subordinates.

    Arleigh Burke, American Admiral (1901-1996)

  1070. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

    A. Whitney Brown

  1071. A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

    Edward R. Murrow

  1072. It took me four years to paint like Raphael, but a lifetime to paint like a child.

    Pablo Picasso

  1073. Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone.

    Pablo Picasso

  1074. Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up.

    Pablo Picasso

  1075. You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.


  1076. If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee - that will do them in.

    Bradley's Bromide

  1077. Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

    Terry Pratchett

  1078. It's perfectly straightforward. There is standard English like what I talk and there are various dialects, e.g. Yorkshire, Scottish and American.

    Sylvia Milne

  1079. Trouble is only opportunity in work clothes.

    Henry J. Kaiser

  1080. A politician is a person who looks to see which way the crowd is going, and then runs around in front, shouting 'Follow me!'

    Ron Govan

  1081. I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

    George Carlin

  1082. Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.


  1083. When you were a Goth, it was important to at least imply the possibility you might burst into flames in direct sunlight.

    Joe Hill

  1084. I'm not a really a drag queen. What drag queen would allow themselves to look like this.


  1085. When a husband brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.

    Molly McGee

  1086. Catholicism. What can you say about a religion that makes a sin out of sex, and a sacred act out of drinking alcohol?


  1087. The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.

    Fran Lebowitz

  1088. Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.

    Abraham Lincoln

  1089. The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair.

    Douglas Adams

  1090. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, HE was a genius.

    Sid Caesar

  1091. The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a dull one.

    Sid Caesar

  1092. I pray there's a God...I know there's an Oprah.

    Chris Rock

  1093. The truth is right in front of you when your back is turned.

    Ken Nordine

  1094. I believe that every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

    Buzz Aldrin

  1095. The religion of Hell is patriotism.

    James Branch Cabell "Jurgen, a Comedy of Justice" (London, 1921)

  1096. If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.

    Lenny Bruce

  1097. The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.

    Mark Twain

  1098. If I had asked my customers what they wanted, they'd have asked for a faster horse.

    Henry Ford

  1099. It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.

    Sam Levenson

  1100. Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter'

    Andy Rooney

  1101. You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

    Woody Allen

  1102. I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs.

    George W. Bush

  1103. By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task completely overwhelm me.

    Ashleigh Brilliant

  1104. A gentleman is one who can play the accordion but doesn't.


  1105. The great thing about democracy is that it gives every voter a chance to do something stupid.

    Art Spander

  1106. I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game ‘Monopoly’.

    Steven Wright

  1107. You can fool too many of the people too much of the time.

    James Thurber

  1108. Sometimes I need what only you can provide -- your absence.

    Ashleigh Brilliant

  1109. Strangely enough, this is the past that somebody in the future is longing to go back to.

    Ashleigh Brilliant

  1110. The optimist sees opportunity in every danger; the pessimist sees danger in every opportunity.

    Winston Churchill

  1111. What is work? Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near the earth's surface relatively to other such matter; second, telling other people to do so.

    Bertrand Russell, from 1932 essay "In Praise of Idleness"

  1112. Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing

    Phyllis Diller

  1113. If you owe the bank $100 that's your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem.

    Jean Paul Getty

  1114. Money won't make you happy...but everybody wants to find out for themselves.

    Zig Ziglar

  1115. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

    Steven Wright

  1116. I've over-educated myself in all the things I shouldn't have known at all.

    Noel Coward

  1117. I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.

    Charles M. Schulz

  1118. What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.

    Oscar Levant, American Actor, Pianist and Composer (1906-1972)

  1119. The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too.

    Oscar Levant, American Actor, Pianist and Composer (1906-1972)

  1120. Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.

    Paula Poundstone

  1121. The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate me away from those who are still undecided.


  1122. There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

    Douglas Adams "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" - 1980

  1123. If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing slowly . . .very slowly.

    Gypsy Rose Lee

  1124. I have everything I had twenty years ago, only it's all a little lower.

    Gypsy Rose Lee

  1125. Clarke's First Law: When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.

    Arthur C. Clarke

  1126. Flon's Axiom: There does not now, nor will there ever, exist a programming language in which it is the least bit hard to write bad programs.

    Lawrence Flon

  1127. Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.

    Sinclair Lewis

  1128. What is the difference between unethical and ethical advertising? Unethical advertising uses falsehoods to deceive the public; ethical advertising uses truth to deceive the public.

    Vilhjalmur Stefansson

  1129. If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you.

    Paul Newman

  1130. In America you have television. In Afghanistan we have genealogy.

    Halad Hussein

  1131. When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

    George Burns

  1132. Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.


  1133. The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any.

    Katharine Whitehorn

  1134. Listening to the Fifth Symphony of Ralph Vaughan Williams is like staring at a cow for forty-five minutes.

    Aaron Copland

  1135. I have an idea that the phrase 'weaker sex' was coined by some woman to disarm some man she was preparing to overwhelm.

    Ogden Nash

  1136. He is alive, but only in the sense that he cannot be legally be buried

    British writer Geoffrey Madan (1895-1947)

  1137. In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, 'Let there be light'. And there was still nothing, but you could see it.

    Groucho Marx

  1138. The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back.

    Franklin P. Jones

  1139. Wheelchair-bound nature lovers in Finland enjoy visit to bear country. Bears look forward to enjoying meals-on-wheels.

    Headline at

  1140. The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

    Brendan Behan, Irish author (1923-1964)

  1141. If it was raining soup, the Irish would go out with forks.

    Brendan Behan, Irish author (1923-1964)

  1142. ...Actually, I'm a drinker with writing problems.

    Brendan Behan, Irish author (1923-1964)

  1143. There is something underwhelming about scholarly hate mail -- the sad literary allusions, the refusal to use contractions.

    Brock Clarke "An Arsonist's Guide to Writers' Homes in New England"

  1144. All my best thoughts were stolen by the ancients.

    Ralph Waldo Emerson

  1145. I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork.

    Peter De Vries

  1146. It's not true that life is one damn thing after another; it's one damn thing over and over.

    Edna St. Vincent Millay, American poet and dramatist (1892-1950)

  1147. When I was a boy I was told that anyone could grow up to be president. Now I'm beginning to believe it.

    Clarence Darrow

  1148. If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.

    Bob Hope

  1149. An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger.

    Dan Rather

  1150. An optimist is someone who gets treed by a lion but enjoys the scenery.

    Walter Winchell, American newspaper and radio commentator, (1897-1972)

  1151. An ostentatious man will rather relate a blunder or an absurdity he has committed, than be debarred from talking of his own dear person.

    Joseph Addison

  1152. Beware of a man with manners.

    Eudora Welty, American short story writer and novelist, (1909-2001)

  1153. The main difference for the history of the world if I had been shot rather than Kennedy is that Onassis probably wouldn't have married Mrs Khrushchev.

    Nikita Khrushchev

  1154. Washington is nicknamed 'The Evergreen State' because it sounds better than 'The Incessant Nagging Drizzle State.'

    Dave Barry

  1155. A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.

    Robert Frost

  1156. Lee DeForest has said in many newspapers and over his signature that it would be possible to transmit the human voice across the Atlantic before many years. Based on these absurd and deliberately misleading statements, the misguided public ... has been persuaded to purchase stock in his company ...

    A U.S. District Attorney, prosecuting American radio pioneer and inventor of the vacuum tube Lee DeForest for selling stock fraudulently through the mail for his Radio Telephone Company in 1913.

  1157. To place a man in a multi-stage rocket and project him into the controlling gravitational field of the moon where the passengers can make scientific observations, perhaps land alive, and then return to earth - all that constitutes a wild dream worthy of Jules Verne. I am bold enough to say that such a man-made voyage will never occur regardless of all future advances.

    Lee DeForest, American radio pioneer and inventor of the vacuum tube, in 1926

  1158. While theoretically and technically television may be feasible, commercially and financially it is an impossibility, a development of which we need waste little time dreaming.

    Lee DeForest, American radio pioneer and inventor of the vacuum tube, 1926

  1159. The phonograph has no commercial value at all.

    Thomas Edison, American inventor, 1880s

  1160. It is apparent to me that the possibilities of the aeroplane, which two or three years ago were thought to hold the solution to the [flying machine] problem, have been exhausted, and that we must turn elsewhere.

    Thomas Edison, American inventor, 1895

  1161. Fooling around with alternating current is just a waste of time. Nobody will use it, ever.

    Thomas Edison, American inventor, 1889 (Edison often ridiculed the arguments of competitor George Westinghouse for AC power)

  1162. The cinema is little more than a fad. It's canned drama. What audiences really want to see is flesh and blood on the stage.

    Charlie Chaplin, actor, producer, director, and studio founder, 1916

  1163. I must confess that my imagination refuses to see any sort of submarine doing anything but suffocating its crew and floundering at sea.

    HG Wells, British novelist, in 1901

  1164. Laughter is an instant vacation.

    Milton Berle

  1165. The speed of communications is wondrous to behold. It is also true that speed can multiply the distribution of information that we know to be untrue.

    Edward R. Murrow

  1166. The more you find out about the world, the more opportunities there are to laugh at it.

    Bill Nye

  1167. It's better to be a pessimist. When you're wrong it's usually a pleasant experience.


  1168. In a perfect world... spammers would get caught, go to jail, and share a cell with many men who have enlarged their penises, taken Viagra and are looking for a new relationship.


  1169. The obscure we see eventually. The completely obvious, it seems, takes longer.

    Edward R. Murrow

  1170. Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

    Henny Youngman

  1171. Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.

    Christopher Marlowe

  1172. Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.

    Ambrose Bierce

  1173. The future is here. It's just not widely distributed yet.

    William Gibson

  1174. The Detroit String Quartet played Brahms last night. Brahms lost.

    Bennett Cerf, American author, publisher, and editor (1898-1971)

  1175. The British tourist is always happy abroad as long as the natives are waiters.

    Robert Morley, English actor and playwright. (1908-1992)

  1176. If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion.

    George Bernard Shaw

  1177. In the heat of battle my father wove a tapestry of obscenities that as far as we know is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan.

    A Christmas Story

  1178. Good taste is better than bad taste but bad taste is better than no taste.

    Arnold Bennett, British novelist, playwright, critic, and essayist (1867-1931)

  1179. It is well, when judging a friend, to remember that he is judging you with the same godlike and superior impartiality.

    Arnold Bennett, British novelist, playwright, critic, and essayist (1867-1931)

  1180. People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

    Bob Hope

  1181. A Committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but as a group decide that nothing can be done.

    Fred Allen, American comedian (1894-1956)

  1182. I've been on a calendar, but I've never been on time.

    Marilyn Monroe, American Actress (1926-1962)

  1183. Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

    Woody Allen

  1184. A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

    Frank Lloyd Wright

  1185. I wake up every morning determined both to change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning the day a little difficult.

    Elwyn Brooks White, 1899–1985

  1186. A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

    Jay Leno

  1187. Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful.

    Seneca, Roman dramatist, philosopher, and politician (5 BC-65 AD)

  1188. Frankly, mind control is easy. It’s having to look at all that weird crap in your head that’s hard.

    Warren Ellis

  1189. There are painters who transform the sun to a yellow spot, but there are others who with the help of their art and their intelligence transform a yellow spot into the sun.

    Pablo Picasso

  1190. The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is a delight to moralists — that is why they invented hell.

    Bertrand Russell

  1191. Don't knock masturbation — it's sex with someone I love.

    Woody Allen

  1192. You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither.

    Steve Martin

  1193. There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.

    Lynn Lavner

  1194. Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

    George Burns

  1195. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships

    Sharon Stone

  1196. Women need a reason to have sex; Men just need a place.

    Billy Crystal

  1197. According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.

    Robert De Niro

  1198. There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked.

    Jerry Seinfeld

  1199. An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

    Aldous Huxley

  1200. Did you ever notice the people who are most adamantly against abortions are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?

    George Carlin

  1201. Of the delights of this world man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven.

    Mark Twain

  1202. One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other.

    Jane Austen

  1203. When a man goes on a date, he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows.

    Frederike Ryder

  1204. No good movie is too long and no bad movie is short enough.

    Roger Ebert

  1205. On the whole human beings want to be good, but not too good and not quite all the time.

    George Orwell

  1206. Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone.

    John Maynard Keynes

  1207. The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable.

    John Kenneth Galbraith

  1208. Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

    Will Rogers

  1209. If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

    Will Rogers

  1210. We are all born naked and screaming and if you're lucky that sort of thing won't stop there.


  1211. The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.

    Arthur C. Clarke

  1212. You never really learn how to write a book, because every one is different.

    Richard Price

  1213. You think, all these hundreds of thousands of parts were put together by the lowest bidder.

    Wally Schirra, when asked by Walter Cronkite what he was thinking as he sat atop the 95-foot-high Atlas rocket on the Cape Canaveral launching pad

  1214. The one function that TV news performs very well is that when there is no news we give it to you with the same emphasis as if there were.

    David Brinkley

  1215. We should all celebrate [Easter] with some kind of all-brain feast. It's what Zombie Jesus would do.


  1216. Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.

    Ogden Nash

  1217. Getting fired in the music business is fascinating because up until the moment you're being escorted out of the building you're pretty sure you're getting a promotion.

    Dan Kennedy

  1218. Sometimes you get your best light from a burning bridge.

    Don Henley

  1219. Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.

    James M. Barrie

  1220. When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.

    Henry J. Kaiser

  1221. In the business of racing, the only way to become a millionaire is to start out as a multi-millionaire.


  1222. The most dangerous strategy is to jump a chasm in two leaps.

    Benjamin Disraeli

  1223. The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

    Woody Allen

  1224. My fan mail is enormous. Everyone is under 6.

    Alexander Calder

  1225. He couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner.

    Johnny Carson

  1226. Politics is just show business for ugly people.

    Jay Leno

  1227. The secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

    Alice Roosevelt Longworth

  1228. If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?


  1229. A chrysanthemum by any other name would be much easier to spell.


  1230. Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.

    Eleanor Roosevelt

  1231. If I begin to procrastinate today instead of tomorrow, would that be considered self-improvement?


  1232. Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't.

    Margaret Thatcher

  1233. They say dollar bills carry germs on them. Even a germ couldn't live on a dollar these days.


  1234. I'm Not Lying, I'm Telling a Future Truth. Really.

    NY Times article headline 05.06.08

  1235. The large print giveth, and the small print taketh away.

    Tom Waits

  1236. The secret of being boring is to say everything.


  1237. In a museum in Havana there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus -- 'one when he was a boy and one when he was a man.'

    Mark Twain

  1238. To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three men, two of whom are absent.

    Robert Copeland

  1239. Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.

    Douglas Adams

  1240. If you rest, you rust.

    Helen Hayes

  1241. Some people think they are worth a lot of money just because they have it.

    Fannie Hurst

  1242. If you really believe that death brings eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seat belt?

    Doug Stanhope

  1243. Anyone who isn't confused really doesn't understand the situation.

    Edward R. Murrow

  1244. My friend Steve is an atheist. He has a bumper sticker that says, "Honk if you love Jesus". When someone honks he gives them the finger.


  1245. A happy the worst possible preparation for life.

    Kinky Friedman

  1246. People never lie so much as before an election, during a war, or after a hunt.

    Otto von Bismarck

  1247. The world today doesn't make sense, so why should I paint pictures that do?

    Pablo Picasso

  1248. I have never been lost, but I will admit to being confused for several weeks.

    Daniel Boone

  1249. It may be true that you can't fool all the people all the time, but you can fool enough of them to rule a large country.

    Will Durant

  1250. We always want the best man to win an election. Unfortunately, he never runs.

    Will Rogers

  1251. My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.

    Rita Rudner

  1252. The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.

    Calvin Trillin

  1253. After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

    Cato the Elder

  1254. I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

    Woody Allen

  1255. Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor.

    Abe Lemons, American college basketball coach

  1256. The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.

    Abe Lemons

  1257. A celibate clergy is an especially good idea, because it tends to suppress any hereditary propensity toward fanaticism.

    Dr. Carl Sagan

  1258. If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

    George Carlin

  1259. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

    George Carlin

  1260. I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

    Steven Wright

  1261. The reward for conformity is that everyone likes you but yourself.

    Rita Mae Brown

  1262. What would Jack Frost do?

    Sign held by a snowman, The Onion

  1263. I do not approve of anything that tampers with natural ignorance. Ignorance is like a delicate, exotic fruit; touch it, and the bloom is gone.

    Oscar Wilde

  1264. There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

    Will Rogers

  1265. Muphry's law states that "if you write anything criticizing editing or proofreading, there will be a fault of some kind in what you have written.


  1266. When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.

    P. J. O'Rourke

  1267. Just think how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of them are even stupider!

    George Carlin

  1268. Football combines the two worst features of American life. It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.

    George F. Will

  1269. Go as far as you can see; when you get there you'll be able to see farther.

    Thomas Carlyle

  1270. My definition of an expert in any field is a person who knows enough about what's really going on to be scared.

    P. J. Plauger

  1271. Children are the most desirable opponents at Scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.

    Fran Lebowitz

  1272. Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

    Terry Pratchett

  1273. The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.

    Victor Borge

  1274. A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.

    Army's magazine of preventive maintenance

  1275. Aim towards the Enemy.

    Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

  1276. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.

    U.S. Marine Corps

  1277. Tracers work both ways.

    U.S. Army Ordnance

  1278. Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.

    Infantry Journal

  1279. Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

    Calvin (comic strip Calvin and Hobbes)

  1280. I hope there isn't extra-terrestrial life. What's been happening on this planet lately is so damned embarrassing. I'm appalled to think someone might be watching.

    Kevin O'Kelly

  1281. Mr. President, anyone who can cross millions of miles of space will be able to take care of themselves when they get there. Don’t start something you can’t finish.

    Albert Einstein, talking to President Truman about the “shoot-them-down” order of UFOs flying over Washington DC on July 19, 1952 - As quoted by national radio host Frank Edwards

  1282. It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.

    Andrew Jackson

  1283. If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can't be done.

    Peter Ustinov

  1284. A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs; jolted by every pebble in the road.

    Henry Ward Beecher

  1285. The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you'll grow out of it.

    Doris Day

  1286. Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and immature.

    Tom Robbins

  1287. If he's the answer to the question, the question must be ridiculous.

    New York governor David A. Paterson on John McCain

  1288. You should mention that to your previous sentence.

    Jon Stewart, refering to Senator McCain's statement, "Senator Obama and his allies in Congress infused unnecessary partisanship into the process. Now is not the time to fix the blame."

  1289. That’s what Fox News does; it removes complexity from the world. It turns nuance into simplicity by sanding off the edges of reality. And their viewers love it. They cherish the simplified version of the world that Fox News shows them. And when these people are exposed to complexity and nuance they become nauseous—as if their inner ear has been damaged. They can’t wait to escape the world of gray.

    Daniel Miessler

  1290. The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer.

    Henry Kissinger

  1291. On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.

    Will Rogers

  1292. You can't do anything about the length of your life, but you can do something about its width and depth.

    Evan Esar

  1293. Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

    Andre Gide, French writer, humanist and moralist (1869-1951)

  1294. I am not a Christian.


  1295. You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.

    Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

  1296. Every man serves a useful purpose: A miser, for example, makes a wonderful ancestor.

    Laurence J. Peter

  1297. When 8 takes a nap, it's infinity.

    Song lyric - the band Central Services

  1298. There are no exceptions to the rule that everybody likes to be an exception to the rule.

    Charles Osgood

  1299. The man who reads nothing at all is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers.

    Thomas Jefferson

  1300. More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

    Woody Allen

  1301. Reality has a well-known liberal bias.

    Steven Colbert

  1302. When raising children, investigate all sudden noises and all prolonged silences.

    Joseph E. Shaffer

  1303. The veneer of civilization is so thin that it often comes off with just a little alcohol.


  1304. There is nothing so fairly distributed as common sense. No one thinks he needs more than he already has.


  1305. Some people complain that roses have thorns. I'm just glad that thorns have roses.


  1306. I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

    Jack Handy

  1307. A committee has six or more legs and no brain.


  1308. A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.

    Fred Allen

  1309. Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of witnesses.

    Margaret Miller

  1310. A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him or her.

    David Brinkley

  1311. I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

    Emo Philips

  1312. Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.


  1313. A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many bad measures.

    Daniel Webster

  1314. Fit Of Anger Turns Dairy Farmer Into Beef Farmer

    The Onion (Headline), 11.20.08

  1315. I think we consider too much the good luck of the early bird and not enough the bad luck of the early worm.

    Theodore Roosevelt

  1316. The two greatest discoveries of the 20th century were the Cuisinart and the clitoris

    Gael Greene - food critic, Ney York Magazine

  1317. Humble people don't think less of themselves, they think of themselves less.


  1318. When your life flashes before your eyes, make sure it is worth watching.


  1319. A man has a right to defend himself, even against his own leg.

    Posting on Freakonomics blog about football player Plaxico Burress, who accidently shot himself in the leg

  1320. I could not fail to disagree with you less.

    Boris Johnson, winner of the 2004 Foot In Mouth award

  1321. I am afraid that overstates the number of Presidents we have.

    Senator Barney Frank, commenting on President-elect Obama's statement that there's only one President at a time.

  1322. We are not giving you the advice to start smiling at everyone you meet in New York. That would be dangerous.

    James H. Fowler, co-author of a study that found that happiness is contagious

  1323. Macho does not prove mucho.

    Zsa Zsa Gabor

  1324. If you even dream of beating me you'd better wake up and apologize.

    Muhammad Ali

  1325. The Constitution only gives people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself.

    Benjamin Franklin

  1326. It is the classic fallacy of our time that a moron run through a university and decorated with a Ph.D. will thereby cease to be a moron.

    H.L. Mencken

  1327. Your shoes also wish you were lighter.

    Misfortune Cookie message

  1328. I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.

    Shirley Temple

  1329. We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.

    Benjamin Franklin

  1330. Doing research on the Web is like using a library assembled piecemeal by pack rats and vandalized nightly.

    Roger Ebert, in a column for Yahoo! Internet Life

  1331. Ron Jeremy, for those not willing to admit they know who he is, has been in more porn films than anyone else. His popularity is easily explained: Every man alive believes that any woman would prefer him to Ron Jeremy.

    Roger Ebert, in a review of the film "Orgazmo"

  1332. I didn't feel like a viewer during "Frozen Assets." I felt like an eyewitness at a disaster. If I were more of a hero, I would spend the next couple of weeks breaking into theaters where this movie is being shown, and leading the audience to safety.

    Roger Ebert

  1333. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

    Fred Allen

  1334. A beauty is a woman you notice; a charmer is one who notices you.

    Adlai E. Stevenson

  1335. Youth is when you blame your troubles on your parents; maturity is when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.

    Bertolt Brecht

  1336. Spark Of Humanity Fades From Mark Teixeira's Eyes After Signing With Yankees.

    The Onion (Headline)

  1337. The best way to get a bad law repealed is to enforce it strictly.

    Abraham Lincoln

  1338. I only drink to make other people seem interesting.

    George Jean Nathan

  1339. If the patient says, 'I am going to kill myself,' the therapist might reply, 'I thought you agreed not to drop out of therapy.'

    Marsha Linehan, quoted in "The Mystery of Borderline Personality Disorder" by John Cloud

  1340. A book is a mirror; if an ass peers in to it, you can't expect an apostle to peer out.

    Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

  1341. The hardest thing about any political campaign is how to win without proving that you are unworthy of winning.

    Adlai E. Stevenson

  1342. Three failures denote uncommon strength. A weakling has not enough grit to fail thrice.

    Minna Thomas Antrim

  1343. Those who want the Government to regulate matters of the mind and spirit are like men who are so afraid of being murdered that they commit suicide to avoid assassination.

    Harry S Truman

  1344. Well, I really think he shatters the myth of white supremacy once and for all.

    Rep. Charles Rangel, when asked what he thought of President George H.W. Bush

  1345. I never cared much for fish but now that they are called "Sea Kittens" I can't stop eating them.

    A wag on Reddit, in response to PETA's suggestion that we call fish "Sea Kittens"

  1346. Science flies you to the moon. Religion flies you into buildings.

    Victor Stenger

  1347. Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet.

    Roger Miller

  1348. You cannot fashion a wit out of two half-wits.

    Neil Kinnock

  1349. The Superbowl is American! Why are the Romans numeraling our bowls?

    Stephen Colbert

  1350. If you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone!

    Bill Maher

  1351. Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.

    George Bernard Shaw

  1352. Everyone knows someone who needs killing but no one knows a horse that needs stealing.

    Dick Degeurin, famous Texas lawyer, when asked why Texas juries can acquit admitted killers but be very harsh on thieves

  1353. The scientists of today think deeply instead of clearly. One must be sane to think clearly, but one can think deeply and be quite insane.

    Nikola Tesla

  1354. The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all of your time

    Willem de Kooning

  1355. You have Van Gogh's ear for music

    Artemus Ward

  1356. They say a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but it's not one half so bad as a lot of ignorance.

    Terry Pratchett

  1357. For disappearing acts, it's hard to beat what happens to the eight hours supposedly left after eight of sleep and eight of work.

    Doug Larson

  1358. If the human body's obscene, complain to the manufacturer, not me.

    Larry Flynt

  1359. Did you ever hear anyone say 'That work had better be banned because I might read it and it might be very damaging to me'?

    Joseph Henry Jackson

  1360. Seeing with ads is like seeing your dad giving Satan a reacharound.

    Paul Carr

  1361. I hate all sports as rabidly as a person who likes sports hates common sense.

    H. L. Mencken

  1362. I don't have a bank account, because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

    Paula Poundstone

  1363. Abnormal is so common, it's practically normal.

    Cory Doctorow

  1364. Worry is a misuse of imagination.

    Dan Zadra

  1365. A man without a woman is like a pistol without a hammer.

    Victor Hugo

  1366. I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?

    Jean Kerr

  1367. Communism is like one big phone company.

    Lenny Bruce

  1368. The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around.

    Herb Caen

  1369. Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it.

    Mark Twain

  1370. If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.

    Anatole France

  1371. Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony.

    Robert Benchley

  1372. A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.

    Robert Frost

  1373. It's a flaw in our argument, for sure. By any reading of evolutionary theory, creationists ought to have died out ages ago. They serve no function in the planet's ecosystem, and no other species has survived so long while in such fundamental disagreement with observable reality. If I wasn't such an ardent believer in secular materialism, I'd wager this is really troubling Darwin in the afterlife.

    Richard Dawkins

  1374. Science was my favorite subject. Especially the Old Testament.

    Kenneth (30 Rock)

  1375. I was saddened to hear that Steven Hawking hasn't been feeling well lately. I'm no expert but has anyone tried switching him off and then back on again?

    yamahahaha (reddit)

  1376. The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one.

    George Bernard Shaw

  1377. Look at y'all, in your robes. Usually, when your in a robe at ten in the morning it means you've given up.

    Ellen Degeneris (Tulane commencement speech - 2009)

  1378. Yes, it's tough, but not as tough as doing comedy.

    Edmund Gwenn, when asked if he thought dying was tough

  1379. Leave the shower curtain on the inside of the tub.

    Conrad Hilton, when asked if he had any last words of wisdom

  1380. When I hear that a man is religious, I conclude he is a rascal!

    David Hume

  1381. I am dying. Please...bring me a toothpick.

    Alfred Jarry

  1382. We all get the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer. The poor get it in the winter.

    Bat Masterson

  1383. Now, now, my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

    Voltaire (attributed last words), when asked by a priest to renounce Satan

  1384. Dig where the gold is...unless you just need some exercise.

    John M. Capozzi

  1385. I'm not allowed to stay up to watch The Tonight Show. Yes, my parents are dead now, but I felt obligated to continue the tradition.

    The Onion (More American Voices - 6/2/09)

  1386. The man is the Piltdown Man of modern politics.

    Charlie Pierce, on Mitt Romney

  1387. Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults.

    Thomas Szasz

  1388. Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone.

    John Maynard Keynes

  1389. The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward.

    John Maynard Keynes

  1390. If I were you, I'd run! If you were me, you'd be good-lookin'

    daybreaker (at least, that's what HE claims)

  1391. To make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe.

    Carl Sagan

  1392. Had one exchange with Dell (computer company) and it could only have been worse if they'd fire bombed my house and sent cannibals into the wreckage to eat us.

    Peter Cassidy

  1393. Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.

    Mark Twain

  1394. If you watch Jaws backwards, it's a movie about a shark that keeps throwing up people until they open a beach.

    Redditor sixdoublefive321

  1395. If the world were a logical place, men would ride sidesaddle.

    Rita Mae Brown

  1396. The eyes are the mirror of the soul. Your soul appears to be spiders and bad news.


  1397. Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

    T. S. Eliot

  1398. To have no thoughts and be able to express them - that's what makes a journalist.

    Karl Kraus

  1399. Trying is the first step towards failure.

    Homer Simpson

  1400. To alcohol! The cause of -- and solution to -- all of life's problems!

    Homer Simpson

  1401. Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "you're making a scene."

    Homer Simpson

  1402. No knowledge is useless, with the exception of heraldry.

    Samuel Johnson

  1403. Any idiot can face a crisis - it's day to day living that wears you out.

    Anton Chekhov

  1404. I told a student in kindergarten that candy canes were the bones of reject elves.

    Kody (at

  1405. The first thing I noticed after my dog died was how much food was accumulating on the kitchen floor.

    Molly (at

  1406. After I spilled gasoline on my shoes while topping off my car's tank on the way to lunch, my daughter announced to the cashier at McDonald's, "If you smell gas, it's coming from my mom".

    SunnyBun (at

  1407. It was one of those exams that you absolutely must pass if you want to continue in the program, and I failed the set-your-alarm-clock-properly portion.

    Erik Wennstrom (at

  1408. Women are always buying something.

    Ovid (2,000 years ago)

  1409. The conception of two people living together for twenty-five years without having a cross word suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep.

    Alan Patrick Herbert

  1410. Yes, they are very dangerous! Radio waves containing Rush Limbaugh's voice have totally destroyed my father's brain.

    Redditor NastyConde, on the question of whether raido waves are harmful

  1411. Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.


  1412. I was born not knowing and have had only a little time to change that here and there.

    Richard Feynman

  1413. Penguins mate for life. Which doesn't really surprise me, 'cause they all look exactly alike. Its not like they're gonna meet a better-looking penguin someday.

    Ellen DeGeneres

  1414. When men are growing up and they're reading about Batman, Spiderman, Superman...those are not fantasies...they're options.

    Jerry Seinfeld

  1415. How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children.

    (book title) by Lewis Burke Frumkes

  1416. Happiness is not achieved by the conscious pursuit of happiness; it is generally the by-product of other activities.

    Aldous Huxley

  1417. You can't take something off the internet, it's like trying to take pee out of a swimming pool.

    Joe Rogan, News Radio

  1418. Contraception is almost five times cheaper as a means of preventing climate change than conventional green technologies.

    According to research by the London School of Economics

  1419. Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time


  1420. If the world were a logical place, men would ride side saddle.

    Rita Mae Brown

  1421. Oldest person in the world dies AGAIN! Why does this keep happening?!

    Title of a Reddit link to that day's story about the death of the current former world's oldest person - by Citizen511

  1422. We have a Village Idiot In this country, it's called fundamentalist Christianity.

    Frank Schaeffer, on The Rachel Maddow Show (Sept. 15, 2009)

  1423. My notion of a wife at forty is that a man should be able to change her, like a banknote, for two twenties.

    Warren Beatty

  1424. Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn’t.

    Mark Twain

  1425. It ain’t those parts of the Bible that I can’t understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.

    Mark Twain

  1426. Life is a gamble, at terrible odds—if it was a bet you wouldn’t take it.

    Tom Stoppard

  1427. With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion.

    Steven Weinberg

  1428. Properly read, the Bible is the most potent force for atheism ever conceived.

    Isaac Asimov

  1429. You’re basically killing each other to see who’s got the better imaginary friend.

    Richard Jeni, on religion

  1430. There once was a time when all people believed in God and the church ruled. This time was called the Dark Ages.

    Richard Lederer

  1431. It's funny how everyone hates witch hunts... until they see a witch.

    Jon Stewart

  1432. I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

    Emo Phillips

  1433. Film directors are people too short to become actors.

    Josh Greenfield

  1434. Life doesn't imitate art. It imitates bad television.

    Woody Allen

  1435. Television is the box they buried entertainment in.

    Bob Hope (1985)

  1436. Sometimes Howard [Cosell] makes me wish I was a dog and he was a fireplug.

    Muhammad Ali

  1437. My youngest says if she had a time machine, she'd go back and pick a different ice cream flavor. (Sorry, Holocaust Jews.)

    Tim Siedell (Twitter)

  1438. The only way the new jobless claims report could be more disturbing is if Bob Dylan sang it on his new Christmas album.

    Tim Siedell (Twitter)

  1439. Saturday is United Nations Day. I will celebrate by doing nothing.

    Tim Siedell (Twitter)

  1440. I didn't just start the Richard Gere Lookalike in a Naval Uniform Carrying You to the Parking Garage service. I'm also a customer.

    Tim Siedell (Twitter)

  1441. Screw the Mayan calendar. This Dilbert desk calendar speaks of nothing beyond December 31, 2009.

    Tim Siedell (Twitter)

  1442. The scariest movie monster has to be the Invisible Man. Because he's a naked man. And he might be sitting on your sofa.

    Tim Siedell (Twitter)

  1443. Ask your financial adviser if you're wealthy enough to ask your doctor if you're healthy enough for sexual activity.

    Tim Siedell (Twitter)

  1444. Don't you hate it when time travelers from the future want a photo with you but then refuse to say why they're laughing?

    Tim Siedell (Twitter)

  1445. Didn't win a peace prize. Seems I wasted another year not killing my landlord.

    Tim Siedell (Twitter)

  1446. Tonight, a young man in the parking garage called me mister. Like, on top of everything else, I needed to bury a body.

    Tim Siedell (Twitter)

  1447. They're putting a McDonald's inside the Louvre. Now, let's hope they put Thomas Kinkade paintings inside the McDonald's.

    Tim Siedell (Twitter)

  1448. When is the best time to start training a kitten to hold a knife?

    Tim Siedell (Twitter)

  1449. New DNA tests on Hitler's skull shows that it belonged to a 40 year old woman. Which really changes my image of Hitler.

    Tim Siedell (Twitter)

  1450. At my daughter's cross country meet. Seeing girls run away from me brings back a flood of middle school memories.

    Tim Siedell (Twitter)

  1451. If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

    Harry F. Banks

  1452. I loved when Bush came out and said, "We are losing the war against drugs." You know what that implies? There's a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it.

    Bill Hicks

  1453. We live in a world where John Lennon was murdered, yet Barry Manilow continues to put out fucking albums. God-dammit! If you're gonna kill somebody, have some fucking taste. I'll drive you to Kenny Rogers' house myself.

    Bill Hicks

  1454. They proved that if you quit smoking, it will prolong your life. What they haven't proved is that a prolonged life is a good thing. I haven't seen the stats on that yet.

    Bill Hicks

  1455. The Beatles were so fucking high they let Ringo sing a few tunes.

    Bill Hicks

  1456. Microsoft Ad Campaign Crashing Nation's Televisions

    (fake headline) The Onion

  1457. More nervous than a small nun at a penguin shoot.

    from Life On Mars

  1458. Drive-in banks were established so most of the cars today could see their real owners.

    E. Joseph Cossman

  1459. A customer just came into the store using a golf club as a cane. All I could think was "I wonder what his handicap is?"

    Redditor maxxspeed

  1460. Jane Austen's books, too, are absent from this library. Just that one omission alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it.

    Mark Twain

  1461. Talent hits a target no one else can hit...Genius hits a target no one else can see.


  1462. As president, I believe that robotics can inspire young people to pursue science and engineering. And I also want to keep an eye on those robots in case they try anything.

    President Barack Obama

  1463. As an Atheist, having a Christian threaten me with hell is like having a hippy threaten to punch me in my aura.

    Redditor TedHaggard

  1464. We must question the story logic of having an all-knowing all-powerful God, who creates faulty Humans, and then blames them for his own mistakes.

    Gene Roddenberry

  1465. Your readers are my shoplifters.

    Betsy Bloomingdale, in a letter to Rupert Murdoch when she refused to take advertising space in the New York Post

  1466. There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all.

    Peter Drucker

  1467. If God had meant us to vote, he'd have given us candidates.


  1468. It's great to be with Bill Buckley, because you don't have to think. He takes a position and you automatically take the opposite and you know you're right.

    John Kenneth Galbraith

  1469. You are not just wrong. You are wrong at every conceivable scale of resolution. Zooming in on any part of your world view finds beliefs exactly as wrong as your entire world view.

    A description of fractal wrongness

  1470. The tea party nation announced that Sarah Palin will headline what is being called the first national tea party convention in February. It is expected to be the nation's largest ever gathering of misspelled signs.

    Seth Meyers

  1471. There is no planet B.

    Environmentalist Protest Sign in Copenhagen 2009

  1472. If your enemy wrongs you, buy each of his children a drum.

    Chinese Proverb

  1473. May prick nor purse ne'er fail you.

    The motto of a Scottish gentlemen's club (The Beggar's Benison) devoted to "the convivial celebration of male sexuality"

  1474. Ignorance is the mother of admiration.

    George Chapman

  1475. It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

    Albert Einstein

  1476. If you are at the checkout counter, you might want to expedite things.

    Representative Richard E. Neal, of Massachusetts, on the repeal, for one year, of the federal estate tax.

  1477. Judge rules that City of Chicago can use eminent domain to relocate cemetery for O'Hare expansion. The move is expected to displace almost 1,100 potential voters.

    Title of a Reddit link to a news story, by redditor diggro

  1478. Aspire to greatness. But remember that no one ever assassinated a refrigerator repairman.

    Bird Waring

  1479. Virtue is often the result of insufficient temptation.

    Cheers, George

  1480. Does Cruella know you have her cape tonight?

    Sheila Ryan Caan, to Elvis Presley

  1481. I envy paranoids; they actually feel people are paying attention to them.

    Susan Sontag

  1482. 'Direction', in Pig Latin, sounds like the best holiday ever.

    Twitterer "mattvancil"

  1483. The only difference between the Republican and Democratic parties is the velocities with which their knees hit the floor when corporations knock on their door. That's the only difference.

    Ralph Nader

  1484. So, if the Haiti earthquake was sent by God (Pat Robertson) and "made to order for Obama" (Rush Limbaugh) - does that mean God is a Democrat?

    Redditor tfdruid

  1485. I laughed so hard my water broke, and I wasn't even pregnant.

    Jeanne Robertson

  1486. Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

    George Eliot

  1487. My back hurts. I'd get my spine removed if I knew I wouldn't end up as an NBC executive.

    Tim Siedell

  1488. Snowing again. I'm going to need some Hollywood starlets to snort my driveway.

    Tim Siedell

  1489. If I were a drug dealer, I'd brand mine "No" and explain to kids that their parents told them to ask for it by name.

    Tim Siedell

  1490. This year, East Coast, try not to shake the Baby New Year. Okay? Thanks.

    Tim Siedell

  1491. The murder rate went down ten percent in the first half of 2009. It's as if the entire city of Detroit has just given up.

    Tim Siedell

  1492. Theory: Tiger Woods used his last monkey paw wish to make the world forget about his car accident.

    Tim Siedell

  1493. That Indian dinner was so authentic I think I hate Pakistan.

    Tim Siedell

  1494. There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.


  1495. Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

    George Burns

  1496. Every morning I wake up on the wrong side of Capitalism


  1497. The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is that vampires are allergic to bullshit.

    Richard Pryor

  1498. In heaven, all the interesting people are missing.

    Friedrich Nietzsche

  1499. I read the dictionary once; I thought it was a poem about everything.

    Steven Wright

  1500. Hydrogen is a tasteless, invisible gas - and if you give it enough time, it will turn into people.

    Richard Dawkins

  1501. Elephants fight Nazis in a zoo.

    A somewhat misguided Time Warner Cable discription of the 1955 movie "Elephant Fury"

  1502. I want to be in Kentucky when the end of the world comes, because it's always 20 years behind

    Mark Twain

  1503. That would be like asking someone to get inside a wetsuit made of balogna and point menacingly at a streetsweeper.

    Reddit contributor "NonsensicalAnalogy"

  1504. There's more cleavage in this film than at a pro wrestler's wedding.

    Roger Ebert, from his review of "Sex In The City 2"

  1505. Hats off to the Icelandic people. First they declared themselves bankrupt... Then they set their island on fire.... Anyone else smell the mother of all insurance frauds?

    Redditor flynnfx (2010)

  1506. LSD is a drug that produces fear in people who don't take it.

    Timothy Leary

  1507. The factory of the future will have two employees: a man and a dog. The man's job will be to feed the dog. The dog's job will be to prevent the man from touching any of the automated equipment.

    Warren G. Bennis

  1508. I want to be cremated, and I want my ashes blown in Uri Geller's eyes.

    James Randi

  1509. If a tree falls in the forest and it hits a mime does it make a sound?

    Steven Wright

  1510. If, with the literate, I am impelled to try an epigram, I never seek to take the credit; We all assume that Oscar said it.

    Dorothy Parker

  1511. Everything I've ever said will be credited to Dorothy Parker.

    George S. Kaufman

  1512. A celibate clergy is an especially good idea, because it tends to suppress any hereditary propensity toward fanaticism.

    Carl Sagan

  1513. It must have been so cool when the phrase 'Holy shit!' finally caught up to the jet 15 minutes later.

    Humorous Onion comment about a mile-stone hypersonic flight test

  1514. An inordinate fondness for beetles

    J. B. S. Haldane, when asked by a group of theologians what one could conclude about the nature of the Creator from a study of his creation

  1515. Going to catholic school taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The othe is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love.


  1516. If lightning is the anger of the gods, why do the gods hate trees so much?


  1517. Atheist Sees Image of Big Bang in Piece of Toast

    Title of humorous article,

  1518. Whenever the various versions of the Hell thing comes up, I always like to point out that no-where in the Bible does it say that when Satan was cast "down" he passed through the surface of the Earth to somewhere below. As far as I'm concerned, right here is "down" from Heaven. We're already in Hell.


  1519. If you could reason with religious people, there would be no religious people.

    Greg House (character on TV show "House")

  1520. If the definition of a miracle is that "the impossible happened", then however strong your evidence that a miracle has happened, it would be difficult for the your evidence to be as strong as the extreme unlikelihood of a miracle actually happening.


  1521. Whenever I eat an apple, it just makes me hungry for more knowledge. And that's a real bummer because I already know everything.


  1522. Experts have confirmed it; British Petroleum supplied the fuel for the 9/11 planes.


  1523. ...and vowels will only make it longer

    Response to the Facebook post: "tmrws gunna b a long day"

  1524. Many horror movies, if watched backwards, are about a white couple who make more and more multicultural friends over the course of the film.

    A.I.S. (with thanks to Redditor cefriano, for his somewhat muddled original version)

  1525. Atheists always fart in church.


  1526. Arizona High Schools To Now Teach Spanish Entirely In English

    The Onion

  1527. "There are no atheists in foxholes" isn't an argument against atheism, it's an argument against foxholes.

    James Morrow

  1528. If we're all God's children then what's so special about Jesus?

    Jimmy Carr

  1529. For you to be successful, sacrifices must be made. It is better that they are made by others but failing that, you'll have to make them yourself.

    Rita Mae Brown

  1530. Each second is a smaller proportion of your remaining life than the one before. That said, this second is the biggest second you'll ever feel again.

    Redditor shitshowmartinez

  1531. I am sorry I missed Church, I was busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian.


  1532. I would tell you to go to Hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you every day.


  1533. Happiness is like peeing your pants; everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.

    Ashton Kutcher

  1534. A guy can only be called "Annie" so many times before he snaps.

    Tagline for the "Star Wars" saga (Darth Vader reference)

  1535. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

    Milan Kundera

  1536. According to a new book, they asked 50 women what they would do if they had a male sex organ for one day. Most of them said, 'Probably get a salary increase.

    Jay Leno

  1537. Ashore it's wine, women and song; aboard it's rum, bum and concertina.

    Old saying about the British navy (variations sometimes attributed to Winstone Churchill)

  1538. This is how you figure it: If everyone thinks you're cute, you're cute. If some people think you're cute and some people think you're ugly, you're average. But if nobody thinks you're cute, you're ugly.


  1539. You know, nobody says, "Who's that 37-year-old?" No, what they say is, "Who's that 60-year-old that's been in a fire?"

    Martin Short, on bad cosmetic surgery

  1540. While modern technology has given people powerful new communication tools, it apparently can do nothing to alter the fact that many people have nothing useful to say.

    Lee Gomes

  1541. Sometimes I pretend I'm dead to see if my dog will go for help. He never does.


  1542. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

    Dave Barry

  1543. Grammer is important. Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping you uncle jack off a horse.

    Cory Sealey (TallCornelius @ Twitter)

  1544. Never buy anything that eats while you sleep.

    William Shatner, quoting a fellow horse owner, about the financial downside to keeping horses

  1545. At the store, they have 100% recycled toilet paper. The worst job in the world must be recycling toilet paper.

    Marla Singer

  1546. He came into town with his cock in hand, and what he did with it was illegal in 49 states.

    Tagline for the movie "Cockfighter" (1974)

  1547. Obama won't let me hunt the homeless for sport, that's why I'm voting Tea Party

    Seen on a t-shirt

  1548. Obama won't teach kids the earth is flat, that's why I'm voting Tea Party

    Seen on a t-shirt

  1549. If you go home with somebody and they don't have books, don't fuck them.

    John Waters

  1550. Correction: This blog post originally stated that one in three black men who have sex with me is HIV positive. In fact, the statistic applies to black men who have sex with men.

    Amanda Hess, on the blog "Sex and gender at work, in bed, and on the street"

  1551. When it comes to the point where you occasionally look forward to being in prison on the basis that you might be able to spend a day reading a book, the realization dawns that perhaps the situation has become a little more stressful than you would like.

    Julian Assange, founder of the WikiLeaks whistle-blowers’ Web site.

  1552. There's no secret about it, really. You just don't die, and you get to be 100.

    Hazel Miller, 100, on getting there.

  1553. If Creationists outbreed evolutionists, do they win by disproving survival-of-the-fittest?


  1554. If the Rangers win, Texas gets to secede from the U.S...If the Giants win, Texas has to secede.

    Peter Sagal, on the bet between the 2010 World Series teams

  1555. If your husband left the hand of Christ, lost his path and decided to murder me in my sleep, it wouldn't get my signature out of the guest-book of your vagina.

    Doug Stanhope

  1556. Obama is not a brown-skinned anti-war socialist who gives away free healthcare. You're thinking of Jesus.

    John Fugelsang

  1557. Michael Phelps, a saddle, and a stick with a Gold Medal attached to the end of it.

    Anonymous (4chan), answering the age-old question, "What three things would you want if you were stranded on an island?"

  1558. My fear is that the whole island will become so overly populated that it will tip over and capsize.

    Rep. Hank Johnson (apparently serious), voicing his objection to sending additional troops to the island of Guam

  1559. My dealer asked me to buy him a case of beer because he is only twenty years old...I think that sums up the failure of prohibition right there.

    Redditor "veggiesoup"

  1560. Quiet morning in the mall. Then the scream: "It's Pat Sajak!" Then chaos. Autographs and pictures. I'm almost sorry I screamed.

    Pat Sajak (Twitter)

  1561. It is useless to attempt to reason a man out of a thing he was never reasoned into.

    Jonathan Swift

  1562. I refuse to look at something which my religion tells me cannot exist.

    A representative of the pope, when asked by Galileo to look through his telescope [probably apocryphal]

  1563. Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.

    Napoleon Bonaparte

  1564. They can't understand orders that are not illuminated by blasphemy.

    Mark Twain, about sailors

  1565. ...imagine a puddle waking up one morning and thinking, 'This is an interesting world I find myself in - an interesting hole I find myself in - fits me rather neatly, doesn't it? In fact it fits me staggeringly well, must have been made to have me in it!' This is such a powerful idea that as the sun rises in the sky and the air heats up and as, gradually, the puddle gets smaller and smaller, it's still frantically hanging on to the notion that everything's going to be alright, because this world was meant to have him in it, was built to have him in it; so the moment he disappears catches him rather by surprise.

    Douglas Adams

  1566. Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.

    Oscar Wilde

  1567. You know that children are growing up when they start asking questions that have answers.

    John J. Plomp

  1568. It is not worth an intelligent man's time to be in the majority. By definition, there are already enough people to do that.

    G. H. Hardy

  1569. A voluntary, self-administered tax on scientific ignorance.

    Ben Goldacre, on getting ripped-off by quacks

  1570. The press can hold its magnifying glass up to our problems, bringing them into focus, illuminating issues heretofore unseen. Or they can use that magnifying glass to light ants on fire. And then, perhaps, host a week of shows on the sudden, unexpected, dangerous flaming ant epidemic.

    Jon Stewart

  1571. They didn't want it good, they wanted it Wednesday.

    Robert A. Heinlein

  1572. Journalism is printing what someone else does not want printed: everything else is public relations.

    George Orwell

  1573. The first principle [of science] is that you must not fool yourself - and you are the easiest person to fool.

    Richard Feynman

  1574. Strive to see the error in your own truth, and to see the truth in your opponent's error.

    A columnist I cannot find the name of

  1575. True, this is a very large number, but most numbers are larger.

    Ross Millikan, commenting on the number 10^344001

  1576. The Founding Fathers would have hated your guts…[and] they were everything you despise. They studied science, read Plato, hung out in Paris, and thought the Bible was mostly bullshit.

    Bill Maher, to the Tea Party

  1577. Real eyes realize real lies.


  1578. Family Planning Advice: Use Rear Entrance

    Sign at Northampton General Hospital, England

  1579. I spent my entire childhood wishing that I was older. Now I'm older and this shit sucks.


  1580. Atheism is a religion like "off" is a TV channel.

    @Monicks (Twitter)

  1581. You have to understand, we have a village idiot in this country, it's called Fundamentalist Christianity.

    Frank Schaeffer

  1582. My neighbor knocked on my door at 3am this morning...3am!! Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums.

    Reddotor rwbronco

  1583. For all of you sitting and watching at home, playing the drinking game where you take a shot every time a republican lies; you better get a designated driver.

    Anthony Weiner (D-NY)

  1584. In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these.

    Paul Harvey

  1585. The 3rd law of memes states that for every meme there is an equal and opposite counter meme. Some lulzologists have attempted to create a perpetual circlejerking meme, but due to the 2nd law of memedynamics the transfer of lulz is never 100% efficient. Some of the lulz always degrade into a less useful form, such as youtube radiation.

    Redditor "captininsanity"

  1586. Saying "I'm sorry" and saying "I apologize" are the same thing...unless you're at a funeral.

    Dimitri Martin

  1587. An optimist sees a zombie as half alive. A pessimist sees a zombie and says "yep, I knew this would happen."

    Tim Siedell

  1588. Pessimists are the ones who see a world full of potential. Unfortunately, most of the world falls far short of its potential. A glass half empty could be so much more.


  1589. Although a skillful flatterer is a most delightful companion if you have him all to yourself, his taste becomes very doubtful when he takes to complimenting other people.

    Charles Dickens

  1590. Humanity I love you because when you're hard up you pawn your intelligence to buy a drink.

    e. e. cummings

  1591. I think I can say with confidence that there will never be a "final" idiot.

    A.I.S. (The last word on that whole, "they keep building better idiots" meme)

  1592. I for one welcome our new computer overlords.

    Ken Jennings, "Jeopardy!" quiz show champion, writing on his video screen as he faced certain defeat by a computer (WATSON).

  1593. [Writing is] like driving a car at night. You never see further than your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.

    E. L. Doctorow

  1594. You're not stuck in traffic, you are traffic.

    Pro-bicycle billboard

  1595. Just registered my hands as lethal weapons. Until I get a concealed carry permit, I can't wear mittens.

    Tim Siedell

  1596. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

    Peter Kay

  1597. the trouble with quotes on the internet is that you never know if they are genuine

    Abraham Lincoln

  1598. "Boob" is the perfect word. The B looks like an aerial view of them, the 2 o's look like a front view, and the b looks like a side view.

    Peter Griffin

  1599. On this day in 1876, Thomas A. Watson became the first person to have an afternoon ruined by a phone call from the boss.

    Tim Siedell, 3/10/11

  1600. Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.

    William Gibson

  1601. It's gotta be weird stuffing money into a stripper's bikini when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it.

    Jimmy Fallon, referring to Prince William's bachelor party

  1602. Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.

    Jerry Lewis

  1603. I get paid for what most kids get punished for.

    Jerry Lewis

  1604. Poetry is what happens when an anxiety meets a technique.

    Lawrence Durrell

  1605. The search for Reality is the most dangerous of all undertakings, for it destroys the world in which you live.

    Nisargadatta Maharaj

  1606. You know when you look in-between two mirrors and it's really annoying because you can almost see forever but your head is in the way?

    Reditor "RonaldoGonzalez"

  1607. The obstinacy of cleverness and reason is nothing to the obstinacy of folly and inanity.

    Harriet Beecher Stowe

  1608. Evidence my 14yr old daughter is geek-literate: In lieu of OK, one might type K while texting. She instead typed "Potassium"

    Neil deGrasse Tyson

  1609. I have to say, as someone who is not Christian; it's hard for me to believe Christians are a persecuted people in America. God-willing, maybe one of you one day will even rise up and get to be president of this country - or maybe forty-four in a row. But, that's my point, is they've taken this idea of no establishment as persecution, because they feel entitled, not to equal status, but to greater status.

    Jon Stewart to Mike Huckabee, on The Daily Show

  1610. Yes, I have tricks in my pocket, I have things up my sleeve. But I am the opposite of a stage magician. He gives you illusion that has the appearance of truth. I give you truth in the pleasant disguise of illusion.

    Tennessee Williams

  1611. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.

    John Adams

  1612. Note to self. When complimenting friends on their children it's OK to call them 'pretty' less good to describe them as 'hot'.

    Jimmy Carr

  1613. Beauty without intelligence is a masterpiece painted on a napkin.


  1614. If there is a God who will damn his children forever, I would rather go to hell than to go to heaven and keep the society of such an infamous tyrant.

    Robert Green Ingersoll, 1877

  1615. A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad.

    Theodore Roosevelt

  1616. The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you can never tell if they are genuine.

    Abraham Lincoln

  1617. If you're going through hell, keep going.

    Winston Churchill

  1618. My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar's birth certificate.

    Rex Huppke (Twitter)

  1619. If you owe the bank $100 that's your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem.

    J. Paul Getty

  1620. If you have a good date, it's nice to text them afterward to say "thanks." But if they were totally lame, it's fun to text "unsubscribe."

    Caprice Crane (Twitter)

  1621. I can explain it for you, but I can’t understand it for you.

    from "Clients From Hell"

  1622. When I search for my name on Google, page 49 shows naked women. Can you change that?

    from "Clients From Hell"

  1623. The Devil is better than God because he only punishes bad people, but God hurts everybody.

    The wisdom of an anonymous child

  1624. Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.

    H.L. Mencken

  1625. Maybe this world is another planet's hell.

    Aldous Huxley

  1626. In the early days all I hoped was to make a living? out of what I did best. But, since there's no real market for masturbation I had to fall back on my bass playing abilities.

    Les Claypool

  1627. Dictatorship is a story about death of others who turn out to be you coincidently.

    Ai Weiwei

  1628. If you are foolish enough to be contented, don't show it, but grumble with the rest.

    Jerome K. Jerome

  1629. It is always the best policy to speak the truth, unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.

    Jerome K. Jerome

  1630. Notice: Upon deposit, all waste becomes property of McDonalds Inc to be reconstituted and sold on site.

    Graffiti in a McDonalds bathroom

  1631. If cats could talk, they wouldn't.

    Nan Porter

  1632. When it comes to quotations, it’s wise to remember that Winston Churchill said everything that Mark Twain didn’t.

    Brian Thomas Henderson

  1633. If you're always moving at least 5 seconds faster than reality you're bound to get somewhere.

    Brian Thomas Henderson

  1634. My favorite definition of "art" is this: A succinct glimpse of an aspect of reality that you were not previously aware of.

    Brian Thomas Henderson

  1635. I could never kill myself. I approve of suicide if you have horrible health. Otherwise it's the ultimate hissy fit.

    John Waters

  1636. There's only two things a man can do better than a woman; pee out a campfire and read a map...cause only men can relate to "one inch equals one hundred miles"

    Roseanne Barr

  1637. Time you enjoy wasting wasn't wasted.

    John Lennon

  1638. If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we couldn't.

    Emerson M. Pugh

  1639. You are an aperture through which the universe is looking at and exploring itself.

    Alan Wilson Watts

  1640. If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.

    Theodore Roosevelt

  1641. A writer is somebody for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people.

    Thomas Mann, born 1875

  1642. If you watch NASA backwards, it's about a space agency that has no spaceflight capability, then does low-orbit flights, then lands on moon.

    Redditor "mepper"

  1643. Nothing is more responsible for the good old days than a bad memory.

    Franklin Pierce Adams

  1644. If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

    Jimmy Carr

  1645. A father carries pictures where his money used to be.


  1646. Instead of being born again, why don't you just grow up?

    Bumper Sticker

  1647. It's hard to kiss the lips at night that chew your ass out all day long.

    Vince Gil song title

  1648. Christianity is the best way to cure gayness. Just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.

    Stephen Colbert

  1649. Faking an orgasm during sex is easy. Faking an orgasm when shopping at the supermarket, or while watering your THAT requires some serious talent.

    Brian Thomas Henderson

  1650. Age does not diminish the extreme disappointment of having a scoop of ice cream fall from the cone.

    Jim Fiebig

  1651. Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live. It is asking others to live as one wishes to live.

    Oscar Wilde

  1652. For more information about lung cancer, continue smoking.

    Anti-Smoking Advertisement

  1653. People can be taught to hate. And people can be taught to spell. But apparently, it's one or the other.

    Caprice Crane

  1654. To summarize: it is a well known and much lamented fact that those people who most want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it.

    Douglas Adams

  1655. To get something you've never had before, try doing something you've never done before.

    Brian Thomas Henderson

  1656. Know your limits, then take those limits, wrap them around a hand-grenade, and shove them up the ass of a velociraptor. Because, really, fuck limits.

    Chuck Wendig

  1657. We are like butterflies who flutter for a day and think it is forever.

    Carl Sagan

  1658. Why do people say "grow a pair"? Testicles are weak and vulnerable. If you want a tough metaphor, say "grow a vagina". Those things can take a pounding.


  1659. Archaeological Dig Uncovers Ancient Race of Skeleton People

    The Onion

  1660. If eye-rolling burned calories, women would never have to diet.

    Caprice Crane

  1661. Stupidity is much like a cough. You should cover your mouth whenever you feel it coming on.

    Mrs. Sellars (wife of M.R. Sellars)

  1662. If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say, "Help, they've turned me into a parrot", you are wasting everybody's time.

    Redditor "kageyama123"

  1663. A shortage of homeopathic medicine? Can’t they just dilute what they have to make more? Oh right, it would cause the medicine to become more potent and could result in an overdose.

    Steve Packard

  1664. The funny thing about [NYC mayor] Bloomberg's Spanish is that it gives him away as someone who has only used the language to address valets, maids.

    Xeni Jardin

  1665. How can you trust a man who wears both a belt and suspenders? The man can’t even trust his own pants.

    Once Upon a Time in the West (1968)

  1666. Michele Bachmann says God told her to run for president. How come God never talks to smart people anymore?


  1667. No, no, you're not thinking; you're just being logical.

    Niels Bohr

  1668. The totally convinced and the totally stupid have too much in common for the resemblance to be accidental.

    Robert Anton Wilson

  1669. Even if evolution is wrong, and it's not, magic doesn't win by default.

    CJ Werleman

  1670. I mean, they say you die twice. One time when you stop breathing and a second time, a bit later on, when somebody says your name for the last time.


  1671. Parenthood is the passing of a baton, followed by a lifelong disagreement as to who dropped it.

    Robert Brault

  1672. As for butter versus margarine, I trust cows more than chemists.

    Joan Gussow

  1673. A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are.

    Chauncey Mitchell Depew

  1674. I put dead people's hair on my head and talk loudly in front of strangers for money.

    Martha Plimpton

  1675. I put the bastards of the world on notice that I do not have their best interests at heart.

    Paul Kemp, in "The Rum Diary" [Hunter S. Thompson]

  1676. No matter how good looking they are, someone somewhere is tired of their shit.


  1677. If the grass is greener on the other side maybe you're not taking care of your grass.

    Redditor "iriemeditation"

  1678. It is no measure of health, to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.

    Jiddu Krishnamurti

  1679. Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.

    Sinclair Lewis

  1680. Courage is fear holding on a minute longer.

    General George Patton

  1681. It is difficult to get a man to understand something, when his salary depends upon his not understanding it.

    Upton Sinclair

  1682. If you've got a dollar and you spend 29 cents on a loaf of bread, you've got 71 cents left; But if you've got seventeen grand and you spend 29 cents on a loaf of bread, you've still got seventeen grand. There's a math lesson for you.

    Steve Martin

  1683. Homophobia: the fear that gay men will treat you the way you treat women.

    Coyote Too (Twitter)

  1684. As an atheist, having a Christian threaten me with hell is like having a hippy threaten to punch me in my aura.

    Josh Thomas

  1685. If every trace of every single religion were wiped out and nothing were passed on, it would never be created exactly that way again. There might be some other nonsense in its place, but not that exact nonsense. If all of science were wiped out, it would still be true and someone would find a way to figure it all out again.

    Penn Jillette

  1686. Isn’t it obvious that someone who’s using "gravitas" is mainly trying to confer it upon himself by implying he has the gravitas to recognize and bestow gravitas?

    Ron Rosenbaum

  1687. As a child I naturally assumed that I hated everybody; but when I grew up I realized it was just children I disliked.

    Philip Larkin

  1688. I still feel like Katy Perry is what Hugh Hefner would do if he got his hands on Zooey Deschanel.

    Kelly Oxford

  1689. Kim Kardashian makes me long for the days when girls like her were hired to show prizes on game shows and we never had to hear them speak.

    Kelly Oxford

  1690. An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all.

    Oscar Wilde

  1691. It would be unbelievable, if history did not record the tragic fact, that men have gone to war and cut each other's throat's because they could not agree as to what was to become of them after their throat's were cut.

    Walter P. Stacy

  1692. Bumper stickers are a great way to let people know which particular type of moron you are.

    Brian Thomas Henderson

  1693. Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.

    Oscar Wilde

  1694. Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surround by assholes.

    William Gibson

  1695. Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.

    Oscar Wilde

  1696. Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.

    Oscar Wilde

  1697. Sometimes you just have to pee in the sink.

    Charles Bukowski

  1698. Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

    Susan Ertz

  1699. Men can only be happy when they do not assume that the object of life is happiness.

    George Orwell

  1700. You can judge your age by the amount of pain you feel when you come in contact with a new idea.

    John Nuveen

  1701. We have our Arts so we won’t die of Truth.

    Ray Bradbury

  1702. You never know what is enough unless you know what is more than enough.

    William Blake

  1703. Black Guy Given Nation's Worst Job.

    Onion headline, about Barack Obama

  1704. If you say "people either love me or hate me" it's a pretty safe bet that most of them hate you.

    Caprice Crane

  1705. Don't ever write a novel unless it hurts like a hot turd coming out.

    Charles Bukowski

  1706. Success isn't a result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire.

    Arnold H. Glasow

  1707. There are grammatical errors even in his silence.

    Stanislaw J. Lec

  1708. When I'm holding a water ballon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.

    Demetri Martin

  1709. Dear people who think Romeo & Juliet is a romantic love story: It was a relationship that lasted three days between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old, and resulted in 6 deaths. Sincerely, everybody who actually read the story.


  1710. Everyone who's storing food and supplies 'In case of the apocalypse' - if it happens, you know you're going to be murdered for that stuff, don't you?

    Brian T. Henderson

  1711. When a woman says 'I can't get laid' we know she's just being picky.

    Kelly Oxford

  1712. I'm not slurring my words; I'm speaking in cursive.

    Anoymous Drunk

  1713. All women love spooning. And if that leads to sporking, so much the better.


  1714. Be sure to face downwind whenever you're throwing caution into it.


  1715. A "racist rapist" sounds worse than a regular rapist when u first hear it, but it's actually better cause less people get raped.

    Donald Glover (Twitter)

  1716. I am in favor of preserving the French habit of kissing ladies' hands - after all, one must start somewhere.

    Sacha Guitry

  1717. Old people talk into cell phones like they hit the Caps Lock key on their voice.

    Caprice Crane (Twitter)

  1718. Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself. Moral of the story; In life, no one helps you once you're fucked.


  1719. The Titanic sank because it was filled beyond capacity with time-travelers wanting to know what it was like when it sank.


  1720. Do unto others 20% better than you would expect them to do unto you, to correct for subjective error.

    Linus Pauling

  1721. An intellectual is a person who's found one thing that's more interesting than sex.

    Aldous Huxley

  1722. I don't drink these days. I am allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.

    Robert Downey, Jr

  1723. Journalism is printing what someone else does not want printed: everything else is public relations.

    George Orwell

  1724. It's speculative non-fiction -- we write what we imagine will be true sometime in the future.

    Sue Gallagher

  1725. I like how glasses suggest intelligence instead of broken eyes.

    Kelly Oxford

  1726. Some people look at the glass as half empty. I look at the glass as a weapon. You can never be too safe around pessimists.

    Jill Morris

  1727. Childhood is like being a drunk; Everyone remembers what you did, except you.


  1728. Write a wise saying and your name will live forever.


  1729. As far as I'm concerned, processed food is any previously edible substance that has been broken down into its constituent parts - whereby the sunshine is allowed to escape - and then re-assembled into a more or less convincing imitation of an edible substance.

    Brian Thomas Henderson

  1730. TONIGHT'S MEDITATION: Don't kill all the stupid people. Just remove all the warning labels and let the problem fix itself.

    David Pogue

  1731. Contrary to general belief, I do not believe that friends are necessarily the people you like best, they are merely the people who got there first.

    Peter Ustinov

  1732. The brain that believes in angels and miracles and Jesus riding a dinosaur is trained to see the world not as it is, but as you want it to be.

    Bill Maher

  1733. Christianity: Because you're so awful you made God kill himself.


  1734. You know Monopoly is an old game because there is luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.

    Occupy Wall Street

  1735. There's literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house.

    Megan Amram

  1736. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.

    Mark Twain

  1737. I think a treehouse is pretty insensitive. It's like killing someone and then making their best friend hold them.

    Demitri Martin

  1738. We're all just memories of our future selves.

    Reggie Watts

  1739. Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.


  1740. The big trouble with dumb bastards is that they are too dumb to believe there is such a thing as being smart.

    Kurt Vonnegut

  1741. Evidently, "Lincoln" is doing well in theaters despite historical evidence to the contrary.

    Some wag on Facebook, about the 2012 movie Lincoln

  1742. Ever since I started working, every day has been worse than the one before. That means each time you see me, that's on the worst day of my life.

    from the movie Office Space

  1743. In the whole of human history, there has never been a single case when the supernatural explanation turned out to be the right one.


  1744. This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

    Will Rogers

  1745. One must be sane to think clearly, but one can think deeply and be quite insane.

    Nikola Tesla

  1746. The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel.

    Steve Furtick.

  1747. If hell existed it would be filled mainly with people who spent their lives telling others they were going there.


  1748. A wedding invitation is a gift subpoena.

    Peter Sagal (Wait Wait Don't Tell Me)

  1749. Hell is defined as being visited, on your deathbed, by the person you could have become.

    Reddit user CharlesKilogram

  1750. I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.

    Augusten Burroughs