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- You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
Woody Allen
- I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs.
George W. Bush
- By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task completely overwhelm me.
Ashleigh Brilliant
- A gentleman is one who can play the accordion but doesn't.
Anon
- The great thing about democracy is that it gives every voter a chance to do something stupid.
Art Spander
- I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game ‘Monopoly’.
Steven Wright
- You can fool too many of the people too much of the time.
James Thurber
- Sometimes I need what only you can provide -- your absence.
Ashleigh Brilliant
- Strangely enough, this is the past that somebody in the future is longing to go back to.
Ashleigh Brilliant
- The optimist sees opportunity in every danger; the pessimist sees danger in every opportunity.
Winston Churchill
- What is work? Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near the earth's surface relatively to other such matter; second, telling other people to do so.
Bertrand Russell, from 1932 essay "In Praise of Idleness"
- Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing
Phyllis Diller
- If you owe the bank $100 that's your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem.
Jean Paul Getty
- Money won't make you happy...but everybody wants to find out for themselves.
Zig Ziglar
- If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Steven Wright
- I've over-educated myself in all the things I shouldn't have known at all.
Noel Coward
- I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
Charles M. Schulz
- What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.
Oscar Levant, American Actor, Pianist and Composer (1906-1972)
- The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too.
Oscar Levant, American Actor, Pianist and Composer (1906-1972)
- Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
- The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate me away from those who are still undecided.
Anon
- There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
Douglas Adams "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" - 1980
- If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing slowly . . .very slowly.
Gypsy Rose Lee
- I have everything I had twenty years ago, only it's all a little lower.
Gypsy Rose Lee
- Clarke's First Law: When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.
Arthur C. Clarke
- Flon's Axiom: There does not now, nor will there ever, exist a programming language in which it is the least bit hard to write bad programs.
Lawrence Flon
- Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.
Sinclair Lewis
- What is the difference between unethical and ethical advertising? Unethical advertising uses falsehoods to deceive the public; ethical advertising uses truth to deceive the public.
Vilhjalmur Stefansson
- If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you.
Paul Newman
- In America you have television. In Afghanistan we have genealogy.
Halad Hussein
- When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
George Burns
- Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
Anon
- The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any.
Katharine Whitehorn
- Listening to the Fifth Symphony of Ralph Vaughan Williams is like staring at a cow for forty-five minutes.
Aaron Copland
- I have an idea that the phrase 'weaker sex' was coined by some woman to disarm some man she was preparing to overwhelm.
Ogden Nash
- He is alive, but only in the sense that he cannot be legally be buried
British writer Geoffrey Madan (1895-1947)
- In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, 'Let there be light'. And there was still nothing, but you could see it.
Groucho Marx
- The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back.
Franklin P. Jones
- Wheelchair-bound nature lovers in Finland enjoy visit to bear country. Bears look forward to enjoying meals-on-wheels.
Headline at Fark.com
- The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
Brendan Behan, Irish author (1923-1964)
- If it was raining soup, the Irish would go out with forks.
Brendan Behan, Irish author (1923-1964)
- ...Actually, I'm a drinker with writing problems.
Brendan Behan, Irish author (1923-1964)
- There is something underwhelming about scholarly hate mail -- the sad literary allusions, the refusal to use contractions.
Brock Clarke "An Arsonist's Guide to Writers' Homes in New England"
- All my best thoughts were stolen by the ancients.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
- I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork.
Peter De Vries
- It's not true that life is one damn thing after another; it's one damn thing over and over.
Edna St. Vincent Millay, American poet and dramatist (1892-1950)
- When I was a boy I was told that anyone could grow up to be president. Now I'm beginning to believe it.
Clarence Darrow
- If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.
Bob Hope
- An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger.
Dan Rather
- An optimist is someone who gets treed by a lion but enjoys the scenery.
Walter Winchell, American newspaper and radio commentator, (1897–1972)