Some Of The Best Things Anybody Ever Said

Page 1.

  1. A hen is an egg's way of making another egg.

    Samual Butler

  2. Where do you go to get anorexia?

    Shelly Winters

  3. Isn't there any other part of the matzo you can eat?

    Marilyn Monroe, on being served matzo ball soup three meals in a row.

  4. Just about the time you get your shit together, it hits the fan.


  5. I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking.

    Katherine Cebrian

  6. If you can see the light at the end of the tunnel, you're looking the wrong way.

    Barry Commoner

  7. New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.

    David Letterman

  8. Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

    David Letterman

  9. Schizophrenia beats drinking alone.


  10. The covers of this book are too far apart.

    Ambrose Bierce

  11. If you can't annoy somebody, there is little point in writing.

    Kingsley Amis

  12. Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.


  13. I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

    Elvis Presley

  14. Use an accordion, go to jail. That's the Law!


  15. Television is a medium because anything done well is rare.

    Fred Allen

  16. I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.

    Stephen Biship Song Title

  17. The United States is like the guy at a party who gives cocaine to everybody and still nobody likes him.

    Jim Samuels

  18. I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.


  19. You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.

    Jim Samuels To A Heckler

  20. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

    Erma Bombeck

  21. Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing between Nixon and the White House.

    John F. Kennedy

  22. The thought of being president frightens me and I do not think I want the job.

    Ronald Reagan (in 1973)

  23. Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. If he had run unopposed he would have lost.

    Mort Sahl

  24. Ronald Reagan's platform seems to be: Hey I'm a big good-looking guy and I need a lot of sleep.

    Roy Blount Jr.

  25. An empty cab pulled up and Ronald Reagan got out.


  26. You've got to be careful quoting Ronald Reagan, because if you quote him accurately it's called mudslinging.

    Walter Mondale

  27. Walter Mondale has all the charisma of a speed bump.

    Will Durst

  28. If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal.


  29. Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.

    Henry Kissinger

  30. When you go into to court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

    Norm Crosby

  31. Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is dropped.

    Franklyn Ajaye

  32. If I had my life to live over, I'd make the same mistakes...only sooner.

    Tallulah Bankhead

  33. If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

    Abraham Lincoln

  34. Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.

    Evan Davis

  35. Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States, ask any Indian.

    Robert Orbin

  36. People who think they know everything really irritate those of us who do.


  37. There is no gravity. The earth sucks.


  38. I shot an arrow into the air...and it stuck.

    Graffito in L.A.

  39. There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.

    Robert Orbin

  40. One hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong.


  41. He was the world's only armless sculptor. He put a chisel in his mouth and his wife hit him on the back of the head with a mallet.

    Fred Allen

  42. Start off every day with a smile and get it over with.

    W.C. Fields

  43. When your I.Q. rises to 28, sell.

    Professor Irwin Corey, to a heckler

  44. There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick and the dead.

    Lord Thomas Dewar (1864-1930)

  45. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

    Steven Wright

  46. I don't have any trouble parking. I drive a forklift.

    Jim Samuels

  47. If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few people die past the age of a hundred.

    George Burns

  48. Never accept a ride from a stranger unless he gives you candy.

    Linda Festa

  49. I'm the person your mother warned you about.


  50. Stay with me, I want to be alone.

    Joey Adams