Some Of The Best Things Anybody Ever Said
- A hen is an egg's way of making another egg.
- Where do you go to get anorexia?
- Isn't there any other part of the matzo you can eat?
Marilyn Monroe, on being served matzo ball soup three meals in a row.
- Just about the time you get your shit together, it hits the fan.
- I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking.
- If you can see the light at the end of the tunnel, you're looking the wrong way.
- New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
- Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
- Schizophrenia beats drinking alone.
- The covers of this book are too far apart.
- If you can't annoy somebody, there is little point in writing.
- Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
- I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
- Use an accordion, go to jail. That's the Law!
- Television is a medium because anything done well is rare.
- I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.
Stephen Biship Song Title
- The United States is like the guy at a party who gives cocaine to everybody and still nobody likes him.
- I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
- You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.
Jim Samuels To A Heckler
- Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
- Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing between Nixon and the White House.
John F. Kennedy
- The thought of being president frightens me and I do not think I want the job.
Ronald Reagan (in 1973)
- Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. If he had run unopposed he would have lost.
- Ronald Reagan's platform seems to be: Hey I'm a big good-looking guy and I need a lot of sleep.
Roy Blount Jr.
- An empty cab pulled up and Ronald Reagan got out.
- You've got to be careful quoting Ronald Reagan, because if you quote him accurately it's called mudslinging.
- Walter Mondale has all the charisma of a speed bump.
- If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal.
- Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.
- When you go into to court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
- Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is dropped.
- If I had my life to live over, I'd make the same mistakes...only sooner.
- If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
- Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.
- Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States, ask any Indian.
- People who think they know everything really irritate those of us who do.
- There is no gravity. The earth sucks.
- I shot an arrow into the air...and it stuck.
Graffito in L.A.
- There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
- One hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong.
- He was the world's only armless sculptor. He put a chisel in his mouth and his wife hit him on the back of the head with a mallet.
- Start off every day with a smile and get it over with.
- When your I.Q. rises to 28, sell.
Professor Irwin Corey, to a heckler
- There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick and the dead.
Lord Thomas Dewar (1864-1930)
- I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
- I don't have any trouble parking. I drive a forklift.
- If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few people die past the age of a hundred.
- Never accept a ride from a stranger unless he gives you candy.
- I'm the person your mother warned you about.
- Stay with me, I want to be alone.