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- Psychics will lead dogs to your body.
Misfortune Cookie Message
- You appeal to a small, select group of confused people.
Misfortune Cookie Message
- Ignore previous cookie.
Misfortune Cookie Message
- How much money did you make last year? Send it in.
Simplified Tax Form Suggested By Stanton Delaplane
- The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the other one was useless.
Nicholas Chamfort (1741-1794)
- God is dead, but fifty thousand social workers have risen to take his place.
J.D. McCoughey
- I like life. It's something to do.
Ronnie Shakes
- He who looketh upon a woman loseth a fender.
Sign In Auto Repair Shop
- The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby.
Natalie Wood
- Girls are always running through my mind. They don't dare walk.
Andy Gibb
- Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
Timothy Leary
- Housework can kill if done right.
Erma Bombeck
- Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.
Sylvia (Nicole Hollander)
- If they can put a man on the moon, why can't they put them all?
Anon
- Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
Al Clethen
- Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you.
Mary Bly
- I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.
Marty Pollio
- You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap.
Dolly Parton
- The trouble with loving is that pets don't last long enough and people last too long.
Anon
- Better to have loved and lost a short person than never to have loved a tall.
David Chambless
- Outside every thin woman is a fat man trying to get in.
Katharine Whitehorn
- Sex is natural, but not if done right.
Anon
- I used to be a virgin, but I gave it up because there was no money in it.
Marsha Warfield
- Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried.
Mae West
- It is easier to receive forgiveness than get permission.
Anon
- The odds against a bomb being on a plane are a million to one. The odds against two bombs are a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb.
Benny Hill
- I am sorry to say that there is too much point to the wisecrack that life is extinct on other planets because their scientists were more advanced than ours.
John F. Kennedy
- A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.
Anon
- Horsepower was a wonderful thing when only horses had it.
Anon
- The computer is down. I hope it's something serious.
Stanton Delaplane
- The rivers in the United States are so polluted that acid rain makes them better.
Andrew Malcolm
- The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
Mark Russell
- Energy experts have announced the development of a new fuel made from human brain tissue. It's called assohol
George Carlin
- You Gotta Live Somewhere
Jimmy Brogan, suggested motto for Cleveland
- What Died?
Steven Pearl, suggested motto for New Jersey
- What The Hell Are You Looking At?
Steven Pearl, suggested licence plate slogan
- The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Alfred Hitchcock
- They used to photograph Shirly Temple through gauze. They should photograph me through linoleum.
Tallulah Bankhead
- The human race is faced with a cruel choice; Work or daytime T.V.
Anon
- Television enables you to be entertained in your home by people you wouldn't have in your house.
David Frost
- The cable T.V. sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people, and don't come in clearly enough.
Bill Maher
- Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.
Abba Eban
- The reason there are so few female politicians is that it's too much trouble putting make-up on two faces.
Maureen Murphy
- Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
Mark Twain
- A conservative is a man who wants the rules changed so that no one can make a pile the way he did.
Gregory Nunn
- If the Republicans will stop telling lies about the Democrats, we will stop telling the truth about them.
Adlai Stevenson
- When we got into office, the thing that surprised me the most was that things were as bad as we'd been saying they were.
John F. Kennedy
- I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Ronald Reagan
- Ronald Reagan is the first president to be accompanied by a "Silly Statement Repair Team."
Mark Russel
- I'm glad Reagan is president. Of course, I'm a professional comedian.
Will Durst