Some Of The Best Things Anybody Ever Said

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  1. Psychics will lead dogs to your body.

    Misfortune Cookie Message

  2. You appeal to a small, select group of confused people.

    Misfortune Cookie Message

  3. Ignore previous cookie.

    Misfortune Cookie Message

  4. How much money did you make last year? Send it in.

    Simplified Tax Form Suggested By Stanton Delaplane

  5. The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the other one was useless.

    Nicholas Chamfort (1741-1794)

  6. God is dead, but fifty thousand social workers have risen to take his place.

    J.D. McCoughey

  7. I like life. It's something to do.

    Ronnie Shakes

  8. He who looketh upon a woman loseth a fender.

    Sign In Auto Repair Shop

  9. The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby.

    Natalie Wood

  10. Girls are always running through my mind. They don't dare walk.

    Andy Gibb

  11. Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

    Timothy Leary

  12. Housework can kill if done right.

    Erma Bombeck

  13. Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.

    Sylvia (Nicole Hollander)

  14. If they can put a man on the moon, why can't they put them all?


  15. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

    Al Clethen

  16. Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you.

    Mary Bly

  17. I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.

    Marty Pollio

  18. You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap.

    Dolly Parton

  19. The trouble with loving is that pets don't last long enough and people last too long.


  20. Better to have loved and lost a short person than never to have loved a tall.

    David Chambless

  21. Outside every thin woman is a fat man trying to get in.

    Katharine Whitehorn

  22. Sex is natural, but not if done right.


  23. I used to be a virgin, but I gave it up because there was no money in it.

    Marsha Warfield

  24. Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried.

    Mae West

  25. It is easier to receive forgiveness than get permission.


  26. The odds against a bomb being on a plane are a million to one. The odds against two bombs are a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb.

    Benny Hill

  27. I am sorry to say that there is too much point to the wisecrack that life is extinct on other planets because their scientists were more advanced than ours.

    John F. Kennedy

  28. A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.


  29. Horsepower was a wonderful thing when only horses had it.


  30. The computer is down. I hope it's something serious.

    Stanton Delaplane

  31. The rivers in the United States are so polluted that acid rain makes them better.

    Andrew Malcolm

  32. The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

    Mark Russell

  33. Energy experts have announced the development of a new fuel made from human brain tissue. It's called assohol

    George Carlin

  34. You Gotta Live Somewhere

    Jimmy Brogan, suggested motto for Cleveland

  35. What Died?

    Steven Pearl, suggested motto for New Jersey

  36. What The Hell Are You Looking At?

    Steven Pearl, suggested licence plate slogan

  37. The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

    Alfred Hitchcock

  38. They used to photograph Shirly Temple through gauze. They should photograph me through linoleum.

    Tallulah Bankhead

  39. The human race is faced with a cruel choice; Work or daytime T.V.


  40. Television enables you to be entertained in your home by people you wouldn't have in your house.

    David Frost

  41. The cable T.V. sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people, and don't come in clearly enough.

    Bill Maher

  42. Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

    Abba Eban

  43. The reason there are so few female politicians is that it's too much trouble putting make-up on two faces.

    Maureen Murphy

  44. Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.

    Mark Twain

  45. A conservative is a man who wants the rules changed so that no one can make a pile the way he did.

    Gregory Nunn

  46. If the Republicans will stop telling lies about the Democrats, we will stop telling the truth about them.

    Adlai Stevenson

  47. When we got into office, the thing that surprised me the most was that things were as bad as we'd been saying they were.

    John F. Kennedy

  48. I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

    Ronald Reagan

  49. Ronald Reagan is the first president to be accompanied by a "Silly Statement Repair Team."

    Mark Russel

  50. I'm glad Reagan is president. Of course, I'm a professional comedian.

    Will Durst