Some Of The Best Things Anybody Ever Said
- Bad spellers of the world, untie!
- I don't worry about crime in the streets, it's the sidewalks I stay off of.
- Never argue with people who buy ink by the gallon.
- I am sitting in the smallest room in the house. I have your review in front of me. Soon it will be behind me.
Max Reger (1873-1916)
- If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.
- Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
- A censor is a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to.
Granville Hicks (1901-1982)
- A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled.
Sir Barnett Cocks
- As scarce as the truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand.
Josh Billings (1818-1885)
- I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart, and provide temporary relief to nymphomaniacs.
- It is beneath my dignity to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
- Flies spread disease. Keep yours zipped.
- Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.
- Love your enemies in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards.
- Experience teaches you to recognize a mistake when you've made it again.
- The reason people sweat is so they don't catch fire when they make love.
- A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there for the rest of your life.
- A man in love in incomplete until he's married. Then he's finished.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
- When a girl marries, she exchanges the attention of many for the inattention of one.
Helen Rowland (1876-1950)
- One man's folly is another man's wife.
Helen Rowland (1876-1950)
- The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man and a blind woman.
Samuel Taylor Coleridge (1772-1834)
- The trouble with some women is they get all excited about nothing - and then marry him.
- Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
Advice To Joan Rivers From Her Mother
- I was a fifty-four-year-old virgin, but I'm alright now.
- Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
- Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.
Peter De Vries
- She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.
Tommy Manville (1894-1967)
- I can't mate in captivity.
- Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.
Professor Irwin Corey
- I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.
- Smartness runs in my family. When I went school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.
- I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
- A productive drunk is the bane of moralists.
- The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they are sober.
William Butler Yeats (1865-1939)
- Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.
- Ford used to have a better idea; now they haven't got a clue.
- I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
- Soderquist's Paradox: There are more horse's asses than horses.
From 1,001 Logical Laws
- Do not disturb signs should be written in the language of the hotel maids.
- The average person thinks he isn't.
Father Larry Lorenzoni
- Never believe anything until it has been officially denied.
Claud Cockburn (1904-1981)
- Before they made him they broke the mold.
- Here's to our wives and sweethearts - may they never meet.
John Bunny (1866-1939)
- I hate the outdoors. To me the outdoors is where the car is.
- Astrology is Taurus.
- If The Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me.
Jimmy Buffet Song Title
- She was what we used to call a suicide blonde; dyed by her own hand.
- For people who like peace and quiet; a phoneless cord.
- A man is living proof that women can take a joke.
- A penny for your thoughts, twenty bucks to act them out.