Some Of The Best Things Anybody Ever Said

Page 3.

  1. Bad spellers of the world, untie!


  2. I don't worry about crime in the streets, it's the sidewalks I stay off of.

    Johnson Letellier

  3. Never argue with people who buy ink by the gallon.

    Tommy Lassorda

  4. I am sitting in the smallest room in the house. I have your review in front of me. Soon it will be behind me.

    Max Reger (1873-1916)

  5. If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.

    Bobby Slayton

  6. Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

    A.H. Weiler

  7. A censor is a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to.

    Granville Hicks (1901-1982)

  8. A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled.

    Sir Barnett Cocks

  9. As scarce as the truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand.

    Josh Billings (1818-1885)

  10. I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart, and provide temporary relief to nymphomaniacs.

    Larry Lee

  11. It is beneath my dignity to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed person.


  12. Flies spread disease. Keep yours zipped.


  13. Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.

    Mark Twain

  14. Love your enemies in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards.

    R.A. Dickson

  15. Experience teaches you to recognize a mistake when you've made it again.


  16. The reason people sweat is so they don't catch fire when they make love.

    Don Rose

  17. A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there for the rest of your life.

    Jim Samuels

  18. A man in love in incomplete until he's married. Then he's finished.

    Zsa Zsa Gabor

  19. When a girl marries, she exchanges the attention of many for the inattention of one.

    Helen Rowland (1876-1950)

  20. One man's folly is another man's wife.

    Helen Rowland (1876-1950)

  21. The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man and a blind woman.

    Samuel Taylor Coleridge (1772-1834)

  22. The trouble with some women is they get all excited about nothing - and then marry him.


  23. Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.

    Advice To Joan Rivers From Her Mother

  24. I was a fifty-four-year-old virgin, but I'm alright now.


  25. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

    Jackie Mason

  26. Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.

    Peter De Vries

  27. She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

    Tommy Manville (1894-1967)

  28. I can't mate in captivity.

    Gloria Steinem

  29. Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.

    Professor Irwin Corey

  30. I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

    Rodney Dangerfield

  31. Smartness runs in my family. When I went school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

    George Burns

  32. I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

    Woody Allen

  33. A productive drunk is the bane of moralists.


  34. The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they are sober.

    William Butler Yeats (1865-1939)

  35. Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.

    Barry LePatner

  36. Ford used to have a better idea; now they haven't got a clue.

    Steve Kravitz

  37. I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.

    Steven Pearl

  38. Soderquist's Paradox: There are more horse's asses than horses.

    From 1,001 Logical Laws

  39. Do not disturb signs should be written in the language of the hotel maids.

    Tim Bedore

  40. The average person thinks he isn't.

    Father Larry Lorenzoni

  41. Never believe anything until it has been officially denied.

    Claud Cockburn (1904-1981)

  42. Before they made him they broke the mold.


  43. Here's to our wives and sweethearts - may they never meet.

    John Bunny (1866-1939)

  44. I hate the outdoors. To me the outdoors is where the car is.

    Will Durst

  45. Astrology is Taurus.

    W.F. Dedering

  46. If The Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me.

    Jimmy Buffet Song Title

  47. She was what we used to call a suicide blonde; dyed by her own hand.

    Saul Bellow

  48. For people who like peace and quiet; a phoneless cord.


  49. A man is living proof that women can take a joke.


  50. A penny for your thoughts, twenty bucks to act them out.