Some Of The Best Things Anybody Ever Said

Page 4.

  1. Smoking, as far as I'm concerned, is the entire point of being an adult.

    Fran Lebowitz

  2. There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings, and that word is blackmail.

    Colm Brogan

  3. I do no not know how the Third World War will be fought, but I do know how the Fourth will: with sticks and stones.

    Albert Einstein

  4. I brake for hallucinations.

    Bumper Sticker

  5. Life's a virgin, if it was a bitch it would be easy.


  6. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.


  7. Are you into casual sex or should I dress up?


  8. I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once.

    Deb Eaton

  9. An Irishman is not drunk as long as he still has a blade of grass to hang onto.


  10. I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.

    Phil Harris

  11. My uncle was the town drunk...and we lived in Chicago.

    Goerge Gobel

  12. Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.

    W.C. Fields

  13. I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.


  14. I believe in sex and death...two experiences that come once in life.

    Woody Allen

  15. Go away. I'm alright.

    H.G. Wells' last words (1885-1946)

  16. Everybody likes a kidder. But nobody lends him money.

    Arthur Miller

  17. Humorists always sit at the children's table.

    Woody Allen

  18. Until Eve arrived this was a man's world.

    Richard Armour

  19. A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally.

    Lillian Day

  20. Anyone who says he can see through a woman is missing a lot.

    Groucho Marx

  21. The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money.

    Joey Adams

  22. A gentleman never strikes a woman with his hat on.

    Fred Allen

  23. I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.

    Will Rogers

  24. She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of sucess wrong by wrong.

    Mae West

  25. You may already be a loser!

    Form Letter Received by Rodney Dangerfield

  26. I have just enough white in me to make my honesty questionable.

    Will Rogers

  27. I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.

    Dick Gregory

  28. It is impossible to enjoy idling unless there is plenty of work to do.

    Jerome K. Jerome (1859-1927)

  29. Hard work never killed anyone, but why take a chance.

    Edger Bergan

  30. The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you're still a rat.

    Lily Tomlin

  31. I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

    Jackie Mason

  32. Whoever said money can't buy happiness doesn't know where to shop.


  33. Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all.


  34. Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be suprised at how little you have.

    Ernest Haskins

  35. The wages of sin are unreported.


  36. I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

    e.e. cummings

  37. I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to sacrifice my wife's brother.

    Artemus Ward (1834-1867)

  38. Being in the army is like being in the boy scouts, except the boy scouts have adult supervision.

    Blake Clark

  39. Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose.


  40. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

    Scott Beach's Grandfather

  41. It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.

    Jackie Mason

  42. I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

    Variously Ascribed

  43. I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

    Jack Benny

  44. I get my exercise from acting as a pallbearer to my friends who exercise.

    Chauncey Depew (1834-1928)

  45. Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.

    Robert Orbin

  46. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

    Redd Foxx

  47. Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we may diet.


  48. I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.

    Variously Ascribed

  49. Eat as much as you like...just don't swallow.

    Steve Burns

  50. Anyone who eats three meals a day should understand why cookbooks outsell sex books three to one.

    L.M. Boyd