Page 4.
- Smoking, as far as I'm concerned, is the entire point of being an adult.
Fran Lebowitz
- There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings, and that word is blackmail.
Colm Brogan
- I do no not know how the Third World War will be fought, but I do know how the Fourth will: with sticks and stones.
Albert Einstein
- I brake for hallucinations.
Bumper Sticker
- Life's a virgin, if it was a bitch it would be easy.
Graffito
- Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
Anon
- Are you into casual sex or should I dress up?
Anon
- I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once.
Deb Eaton
- An Irishman is not drunk as long as he still has a blade of grass to hang onto.
Anon
- I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.
Phil Harris
- My uncle was the town drunk...and we lived in Chicago.
Goerge Gobel
- Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.
W.C. Fields
- I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
Anon
- I believe in sex and death...two experiences that come once in life.
Woody Allen
- Go away. I'm alright.
H.G. Wells' last words (1885-1946)
- Everybody likes a kidder. But nobody lends him money.
Arthur Miller
- Humorists always sit at the children's table.
Woody Allen
- Until Eve arrived this was a man's world.
Richard Armour
- A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally.
Lillian Day
- Anyone who says he can see through a woman is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx
- The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money.
Joey Adams
- A gentleman never strikes a woman with his hat on.
Fred Allen
- I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
Will Rogers
- She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of sucess wrong by wrong.
Mae West
- You may already be a loser!
Form Letter Received by Rodney Dangerfield
- I have just enough white in me to make my honesty questionable.
Will Rogers
- I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.
Dick Gregory
- It is impossible to enjoy idling unless there is plenty of work to do.
Jerome K. Jerome (1859-1927)
- Hard work never killed anyone, but why take a chance.
Edger Bergan
- The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you're still a rat.
Lily Tomlin
- I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
Jackie Mason
- Whoever said money can't buy happiness doesn't know where to shop.
Anon
- Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all.
Anon
- Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be suprised at how little you have.
Ernest Haskins
- The wages of sin are unreported.
Anon
- I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
e.e. cummings
- I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to sacrifice my wife's brother.
Artemus Ward (1834-1867)
- Being in the army is like being in the boy scouts, except the boy scouts have adult supervision.
Blake Clark
- Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose.
Anon
- Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Scott Beach's Grandfather
- It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.
Jackie Mason
- I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
Variously Ascribed
- I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
Jack Benny
- I get my exercise from acting as a pallbearer to my friends who exercise.
Chauncey Depew (1834-1928)
- Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.
Robert Orbin
- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Redd Foxx
- Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we may diet.
Anon
- I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
Variously Ascribed
- Eat as much as you like...just don't swallow.
Steve Burns
- Anyone who eats three meals a day should understand why cookbooks outsell sex books three to one.
L.M. Boyd