Some Of The Best Things Anybody Ever Said
- Smoking, as far as I'm concerned, is the entire point of being an adult.
- There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings, and that word is blackmail.
- I do no not know how the Third World War will be fought, but I do know how the Fourth will: with sticks and stones.
- I brake for hallucinations.
- Life's a virgin, if it was a bitch it would be easy.
- Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
- Are you into casual sex or should I dress up?
- I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once.
- An Irishman is not drunk as long as he still has a blade of grass to hang onto.
- I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.
- My uncle was the town drunk...and we lived in Chicago.
- Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.
- I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
- I believe in sex and death...two experiences that come once in life.
- Go away. I'm alright.
H.G. Wells' last words (1885-1946)
- Everybody likes a kidder. But nobody lends him money.
- Humorists always sit at the children's table.
- Until Eve arrived this was a man's world.
- A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally.
- Anyone who says he can see through a woman is missing a lot.
- The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money.
- A gentleman never strikes a woman with his hat on.
- I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
- She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of sucess wrong by wrong.
- You may already be a loser!
Form Letter Received by Rodney Dangerfield
- I have just enough white in me to make my honesty questionable.
- I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.
- It is impossible to enjoy idling unless there is plenty of work to do.
Jerome K. Jerome (1859-1927)
- Hard work never killed anyone, but why take a chance.
- The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you're still a rat.
- I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
- Whoever said money can't buy happiness doesn't know where to shop.
- Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all.
- Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be suprised at how little you have.
- The wages of sin are unreported.
- I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
- I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to sacrifice my wife's brother.
Artemus Ward (1834-1867)
- Being in the army is like being in the boy scouts, except the boy scouts have adult supervision.
- Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose.
- Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Scott Beach's Grandfather
- It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.
- I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
- I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
- I get my exercise from acting as a pallbearer to my friends who exercise.
Chauncey Depew (1834-1928)
- Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.
- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
- Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we may diet.
- I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
- Eat as much as you like...just don't swallow.
- Anyone who eats three meals a day should understand why cookbooks outsell sex books three to one.