Some Of The Best Things Anybody Ever Said
- Why be difficult. With a little bit of effort you can be impossible.
- I'm trying hard to arrange my life so that I don't even have to be present.
- Never accept a drink from a urologist.
Erma Bombeck's Father
- Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
- If today was a fish, I'd throw it back.
- Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.
- If I'd known I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself.
- He writes so well he makes me feel like putting my quill back in my goose.
- If my film makes one more person miserable, I'll feel I've done my job.
- I like men to behave like men - strong and childish.
- What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?
- This book fills a much needed gap.
Moses Hadas (1900-1966)
- Thank you for sending me a copy of your book. I'll waste no time reading it.
Moses Hadas (1900-1966)
- Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of congress. But I repeat myself.
- When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
- I'd rather be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother.
- Better that a girl has beauty than brains because boys see better than they think.
- I was born in Australia because my mother wanted me to be near her.
- I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
- Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to god.
- Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them.
- The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it.
- I was the best I ever had.
- My brain is my second favorite organ.
- The most romantic thing any woman ever said to me in bed was, "Are you sure you're not a cop?"
- For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel and cook.
- Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
- I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
- I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.
- I've been in more laps than a napkin.
- Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
- What do hookers do on their nights off, type?
- The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 am.
- It's been so long since I made love, I can't remember who gets tied up.
- Ouch! That felt good.
Karen Elizabeth Gordon
- What do you give a man who has everything? Penicillin.
- Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit.
- Chaste makes waste.
- After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
- It's easy to make a friend. What's hard is to make a stranger.
- I only like two kinds of men: domestic and foreign.
- Men who never get carried away should be.
- If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm.
- When I was kidnapped my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
- If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
- Feck Opuc
- There must be 500,000 rats in this country; of course, I'm only speaking from memory.
Billy Nye (1850-1896)
- The advantage of emotions is that they lead us astray.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
- She wears her clothes as if they were thrown on with a pitchfork.
Jonathon Swift (1667-1745)
- If people don't want to come out to the ballpark, nobody's going to stop them.