Some Of The Best Things Anybody Ever Said

Page 5.

  1. Why be difficult. With a little bit of effort you can be impossible.


  2. I'm trying hard to arrange my life so that I don't even have to be present.


  3. Never accept a drink from a urologist.

    Erma Bombeck's Father

  4. Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.


  5. If today was a fish, I'd throw it back.

    Song Title

  6. Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.

    Lilly Tomlin

  7. If I'd known I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself.


  8. He writes so well he makes me feel like putting my quill back in my goose.

    Fred Allen

  9. If my film makes one more person miserable, I'll feel I've done my job.

    Woody Allen

  10. I like men to behave like men - strong and childish.

    Francoise Sagen

  11. What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?

    Fred Allen

  12. This book fills a much needed gap.

    Moses Hadas (1900-1966)

  13. Thank you for sending me a copy of your book. I'll waste no time reading it.

    Moses Hadas (1900-1966)

  14. Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of congress. But I repeat myself.

    Mark Twain

  15. When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.

    Phyllis Diller

  16. I'd rather be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother.

    Charles Pierce

  17. Better that a girl has beauty than brains because boys see better than they think.


  18. I was born in Australia because my mother wanted me to be near her.


  19. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.


  20. Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to god.

    Lenny Bruce

  21. Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them.

    Jules Feiffer

  22. The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it.

    Truman Capote

  23. I was the best I ever had.

    Woody Allen

  24. My brain is my second favorite organ.

    Woody Allen

  25. The most romantic thing any woman ever said to me in bed was, "Are you sure you're not a cop?"

    Larry Brown

  26. For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel and cook.

    Quentin Cook

  27. Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

    Mae West

  28. I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.

    Mae West

  29. I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.

    Chico Marx

  30. I've been in more laps than a napkin.

    Mae West

  31. Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

    Woody Allen

  32. What do hookers do on their nights off, type?

    Elayne Boosler

  33. The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 am.

    Charles Pierce

  34. It's been so long since I made love, I can't remember who gets tied up.

    Joan Rivers

  35. Ouch! That felt good.

    Karen Elizabeth Gordon

  36. What do you give a man who has everything? Penicillin.

    Jerry Lester

  37. Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit.

    Maureen Murphy

  38. Chaste makes waste.


  39. After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.

    Joan Rivers

  40. It's easy to make a friend. What's hard is to make a stranger.


  41. I only like two kinds of men: domestic and foreign.

    Mae West

  42. Men who never get carried away should be.

    Malcolm Forbes

  43. If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm.

    Vince Lombardi

  44. When I was kidnapped my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

    Woody Allen

  45. If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

    Dorothy Parker

  46. Feck Opuc

    Bumper Sticker

  47. There must be 500,000 rats in this country; of course, I'm only speaking from memory.

    Billy Nye (1850-1896)

  48. The advantage of emotions is that they lead us astray.

    Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

  49. She wears her clothes as if they were thrown on with a pitchfork.

    Jonathon Swift (1667-1745)

  50. If people don't want to come out to the ballpark, nobody's going to stop them.

    Yogi Berra