Some Of The Best Things Anybody Ever Said

Page 6.

  1. I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'

    Larry Miller

  2. A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her dad.

    Christopher Case

  3. Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.

    Bob Ettinger

  4. What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?

    Marilyn Pittman

  5. A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.

    Conan O'Brien

  6. Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

    Sue Murphy

  7. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.

    Rita Mae Brown

  8. No matter what side of the argument you are on, you always find people on your side that you wish were on the other.

    Jascha Heifetz

  9. If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

    Johnny Carson

  10. Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.

    Paul Rodriguez

  11. Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

    Jerry Seinfeld

  12. Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That's why you should never date a baseball player.

    Marsha Warfield

  13. I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.

    Lily Tomlin

  14. Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

    George Carlin

  15. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.

    Ellen DeGeneres

  16. I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.'

    Rita Rudner

  17. I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead.

    Sue Kolinsky

  18. I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

    Carol Leifer

  19. The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.

    Jackie Gleason

  20. I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like fries with that?'

    Jay Leno

  21. Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy five cents.

    William Coronel

  22. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

    Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

  23. True terror is to wake up in the morning and discover that your high-school class is running the country.

    Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

  24. Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student is. At least they can find Kuwait.

    A. Whitney Brown

  25. Why aren't there any blonde jokes about men? Because it doesn't matter what color their hair is.


  26. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.


  27. What's the difference between a man and a chimpanzee? One is hairy, smelly and is always scratching its ass, and the other is a chimpanzee.


  28. Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time.


  29. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They won't stop to ask directions.


  30. What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.


  31. Why do black widow spiders kill their partners after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.


  32. How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.


  33. What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.


  34. Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract.


  35. What is the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.


  36. Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.


  37. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know; it has never happened.


  38. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.


  39. Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, 'Who'd you call a faggot?'

    Jon Stewart

  40. The one bonus of not lifting the ban on gays in the military is that the next time the government mandates a draft we can all declare homosexuality instead of running off to Canada.

    Lorne Bloch

  41. When I was in the military they gave me a medal for killing two men and a discharge for loving one.

    From the tombstone of a gay Vietnam veteran

  42. The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision.

    Lynn Lavner

  43. My lesbianism is an act of Christian charity. All those women out there praying for a man, and I'm giving them my share.

    Rita Mae Brown

  44. Soldiers who are not afraid of guns, bombs, capture, torture or death say they are afraid of homosexuals. Clearly we should not be used as soldiers; we should be used as weapons.

    Letter to the editor, The Advocate

  45. You don't have to be straight to be in the military; you just have to be able to shoot straight.

    Barry Goldwater

  46. If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work: 'Hello. Can't work today, still queer'.

    Robin Tyler

  47. War. Rape. Murder. Poverty. Equal rights for gays. Guess which one the Southern Baptist Convention is protesting?

    The Value of Families

  48. That word "lesbian" sounds like a disease. And straight men know because they're sure that they're the cure.

    Denise McCanles

  49. The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

    Dennis Miller

  50. It's only premartial sex if you're planning to get married.