Some Of The Best Things Anybody's Ever Said
- We have our Arts so we won’t die of Truth.
- You never know what is enough unless you know what is more than enough.
- Black Guy Given Nation's Worst Job.
Onion headline, about Barack Obama
- If you say "people either love me or hate me" it's a pretty safe bet that most of them hate you.
- Don't ever write a novel unless it hurts like a hot turd coming out.
- Success isn't a result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire.
Arnold H. Glasow
- There are grammatical errors even in his silence.
Stanislaw J. Lec
- When I'm holding a water ballon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.
- Dear people who think Romeo & Juliet is a romantic love story: It was a relationship that lasted three days between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old, and resulted in 6 deaths. Sincerely, everybody who actually read the story.
- Everyone who's storing food and supplies 'In case of the apocalypse' - if it happens, you know you're going to be murdered for that stuff, don't you?
Brian T. Henderson
- When a woman says 'I can't get laid' we know she's just being picky.
- I'm not slurring my words; I'm speaking in cursive.
- All women love spooning. And if that leads to sporking, so much the better.
- Be sure to face downwind whenever you're throwing caution into it.
- A "racist rapist" sounds worse than a regular rapist when u first hear it, but it's actually better cause less people get raped.
Donald Glover (Twitter)
- I am in favor of preserving the French habit of kissing ladies' hands - after all, one must start somewhere.
- Old people talk into cell phones like they hit the Caps Lock key on their voice.
Caprice Crane (Twitter)
- Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself. Moral of the story; In life, no one helps you once you're fucked.
- The Titanic sank because it was filled beyond capacity with time-travelers wanting to know what it was like when it sank.
- Do unto others 20% better than you would expect them to do unto you, to correct for subjective error.
- An intellectual is a person who's found one thing that's more interesting than sex.
- I don't drink these days. I am allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.
Robert Downey, Jr
- Journalism is printing what someone else does not want printed: everything else is public relations.
- It's speculative non-fiction -- we write what we imagine will be true sometime in the future.
- I like how glasses suggest intelligence instead of broken eyes.
- Some people look at the glass as half empty. I look at the glass as a weapon. You can never be too safe around pessimists.
- Childhood is like being a drunk; Everyone remembers what you did, except you.
- Write a wise saying and your name will live forever.
- As far as I'm concerned, processed food is any previously edible substance that has been broken down into its constituent parts - whereby the sunshine is allowed to escape - and then re-assembled into a more or less convincing imitation of an edible substance.
Brian Thomas Henderson
- TONIGHT'S MEDITATION: Don't kill all the stupid people. Just remove all the warning labels and let the problem fix itself.
- Contrary to general belief, I do not believe that friends are necessarily the people you like best, they are merely the people who got there first.
- The brain that believes in angels and miracles and Jesus riding a dinosaur is trained to see the world not as it is, but as you want it to be.
- Christianity: Because you're so awful you made God kill himself.
- You know Monopoly is an old game because there is luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.
Occupy Wall Street
- There's literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house.
- If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
- I think a treehouse is pretty insensitive. It's like killing someone and then making their best friend hold them.
- We're all just memories of our future selves.
- Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
- The big trouble with dumb bastards is that they are too dumb to believe there is such a thing as being smart.
- Evidently, "Lincoln" is doing well in theaters despite historical evidence to the contrary.
Some wag on Facebook, about the 2012 movie Lincoln
- Ever since I started working, every day has been worse than the one before. That means each time you see me, that's on the worst day of my life.
from the movie Office Space
- In the whole of human history, there has never been a single case when the supernatural explanation turned out to be the right one.
- This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.
- One must be sane to think clearly, but one can think deeply and be quite insane.
- The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel.
- If hell existed it would be filled mainly with people who spent their lives telling others they were going there.
- A wedding invitation is a gift subpoena.
Peter Sagal (Wait Wait Don't Tell Me)
- Hell is defined as being visited, on your deathbed, by the person you could have become.
Reddit user CharlesKilogram
- I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.