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- Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live. It is asking others to live as one wishes to live.
Oscar Wilde
- For more information about lung cancer, continue smoking.
Anti-Smoking Advertisement
- People can be taught to hate. And people can be taught to spell. But apparently, it's one or the other.
Caprice Crane
- To summarize: it is a well known and much lamented fact that those people who most want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it.
Douglas Adams
- To get something you've never had before, try doing something you've never done before.
Brian Thomas Henderson
- Know your limits, then take those limits, wrap them around a hand-grenade, and shove them up the ass of a velociraptor. Because, really, fuck limits.
Chuck Wendig
- We are like butterflies who flutter for a day and think it is forever.
Carl Sagan
- Why do people say "grow a pair"? Testicles are weak and vulnerable. If you want a tough metaphor, say "grow a vagina". Those things can take a pounding.
Anon
- Archaeological Dig Uncovers Ancient Race of Skeleton People
The Onion
- If eye-rolling burned calories, women would never have to diet.
Caprice Crane
- Stupidity is much like a cough. You should cover your mouth whenever you feel it coming on.
Mrs. Sellars (wife of M.R. Sellars)
- If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say, "Help, they've turned me into a parrot", you are wasting everybody's time.
Redditor "kageyama123"
- A shortage of homeopathic medicine? Can’t they just dilute what they have to make more? Oh right, it would cause the medicine to become more potent and could result in an overdose.
Steve Packard
- The funny thing about [NYC mayor] Bloomberg's Spanish is that it gives him away as someone who has only used the language to address valets, maids.
Xeni Jardin
- How can you trust a man who wears both a belt and suspenders? The man can’t even trust his own pants.
Once Upon a Time in the West (1968)
- Michele Bachmann says God told her to run for president. How come God never talks to smart people anymore?
Anon
- No, no, you're not thinking; you're just being logical.
Niels Bohr
- The totally convinced and the totally stupid have too much in common for the resemblance to be accidental.
Robert Anton Wilson
- Even if evolution is wrong, and it's not, magic doesn't win by default.
CJ Werleman
- I mean, they say you die twice. One time when you stop breathing and a second time, a bit later on, when somebody says your name for the last time.
Banksy
- Parenthood is the passing of a baton, followed by a lifelong disagreement as to who dropped it.
Robert Brault
- As for butter versus margarine, I trust cows more than chemists.
Joan Gussow
- A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are.
Chauncey Mitchell Depew
- I put dead people's hair on my head and talk loudly in front of strangers for money.
Martha Plimpton
- I put the bastards of the world on notice that I do not have their best interests at heart.
Paul Kemp, in "The Rum Diary" [Hunter S. Thompson]
- No matter how good looking they are, someone somewhere is tired of their shit.
Annon
- If the grass is greener on the other side maybe you're not taking care of your grass.
Redditor "iriemeditation"
- It is no measure of health, to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick
society.
Jiddu Krishnamurti
- Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest
way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.
Sinclair Lewis
- Courage is fear holding on a minute longer.
General George Patton
- It is difficult to get a man to understand something, when his salary depends upon his not understanding it.
Upton Sinclair
- If you've got a dollar and you spend 29 cents on a loaf of bread,
you've got 71 cents left; But if you've got seventeen grand and you
spend 29 cents on a loaf of bread, you've still got seventeen grand.
There's a math lesson for you.
Steve Martin
- Homophobia: the fear that gay men will treat you the way you treat women.
Coyote Too (Twitter)
- As an atheist, having a Christian threaten me with hell is like having a hippy threaten to punch me in my aura.
Josh Thomas
- If every trace of every single religion were wiped out and nothing were passed on, it would never be created exactly that way again. There might be some other nonsense in its place, but not that exact nonsense. If all of science were wiped out, it would still be true and someone would find a way to figure it all out again.
Penn Jillette
- Isn’t it obvious that someone who’s using "gravitas" is mainly trying to confer it upon himself by implying he has the gravitas to recognize and bestow gravitas?
Ron Rosenbaum
- As a child I naturally assumed that I hated everybody; but when I grew up I realized it was just children I disliked.
Philip Larkin
- I still feel like Katy Perry is what Hugh Hefner would do if he got his hands on Zooey Deschanel.
Kelly Oxford
- Kim Kardashian makes me long for the days when girls like her were hired to show prizes on game shows and we never had to hear them speak.
Kelly Oxford
- An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all.
Oscar Wilde
- It would be unbelievable, if history did not record the tragic fact, that men have gone to war and cut each other's throat's because they could not agree as to what was to become of them after their throat's were cut.
Walter P. Stacy
- Bumper stickers are a great way to let people know which particular type of moron you are.
Brian Thomas Henderson
- Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.
Oscar Wilde
- Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surround by assholes.
William Gibson
- Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
- Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.
Oscar Wilde
- Sometimes you just have to pee in the sink.
Charles Bukowski
- Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
Susan Ertz
- Men can only be happy when they do not assume that the object of life is happiness.
George Orwell
- You can judge your age by the amount of pain you feel when you come in contact with a new idea.
John Nuveen