Some Of The Best Things Anybody's Ever Said
- Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live. It is asking others to live as one wishes to live.
- For more information about lung cancer, continue smoking.
- People can be taught to hate. And people can be taught to spell. But apparently, it's one or the other.
- To summarize: it is a well known and much lamented fact that those people who most want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it.
- To get something you've never had before, try doing something you've never done before.
Brian Thomas Henderson
- Know your limits, then take those limits, wrap them around a hand-grenade, and shove them up the ass of a velociraptor. Because, really, fuck limits.
- We are like butterflies who flutter for a day and think it is forever.
- Why do people say "grow a pair"? Testicles are weak and vulnerable. If you want a tough metaphor, say "grow a vagina". Those things can take a pounding.
- Archaeological Dig Uncovers Ancient Race of Skeleton People
- If eye-rolling burned calories, women would never have to diet.
- Stupidity is much like a cough. You should cover your mouth whenever you feel it coming on.
Mrs. Sellars (wife of M.R. Sellars)
- If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say, "Help, they've turned me into a parrot", you are wasting everybody's time.
- A shortage of homeopathic medicine? Canít they just dilute what they have to make more? Oh right, it would cause the medicine to become more potent and could result in an overdose.
- The funny thing about [NYC mayor] Bloomberg's Spanish is that it gives him away as someone who has only used the language to address valets, maids.
- How can you trust a man who wears both a belt and suspenders? The man canít even trust his own pants.
Once Upon a Time in the West (1968)
- Michele Bachmann says God told her to run for president. How come God never talks to smart people anymore?
- No, no, you're not thinking; you're just being logical.
- The totally convinced and the totally stupid have too much in common for the resemblance to be accidental.
Robert Anton Wilson
- Even if evolution is wrong, and it's not, magic doesn't win by default.
- I mean, they say you die twice. One time when you stop breathing and a second time, a bit later on, when somebody says your name for the last time.
- Parenthood is the passing of a baton, followed by a lifelong disagreement as to who dropped it.
- As for butter versus margarine, I trust cows more than chemists.
- A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are.
Chauncey Mitchell Depew
- I put dead people's hair on my head and talk loudly in front of strangers for money.
- I put the bastards of the world on notice that I do not have their best interests at heart.
Paul Kemp, in "The Rum Diary" [Hunter S. Thompson]
- No matter how good looking they are, someone somewhere is tired of their shit.
- If the grass is greener on the other side maybe you're not taking care of your grass.
- It is no measure of health, to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick
- Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest
way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.
- Courage is fear holding on a minute longer.
General George Patton
- It is difficult to get a man to understand something, when his salary depends upon his not understanding it.
- If you've got a dollar and you spend 29 cents on a loaf of bread,
you've got 71 cents left; But if you've got seventeen grand and you
spend 29 cents on a loaf of bread, you've still got seventeen grand.
There's a math lesson for you.
- Homophobia: the fear that gay men will treat you the way you treat women.
Coyote Too (Twitter)
- As an atheist, having a Christian threaten me with hell is like having a hippy threaten to punch me in my aura.
- If every trace of every single religion were wiped out and nothing were passed on, it would never be created exactly that way again. There might be some other nonsense in its place, but not that exact nonsense. If all of science were wiped out, it would still be true and someone would find a way to figure it all out again.
- Isnít it obvious that someone whoís using "gravitas" is mainly trying to confer it upon himself by implying he has the gravitas to recognize and bestow gravitas?
- As a child I naturally assumed that I hated everybody; but when I grew up I realized it was just children I disliked.
- I still feel like Katy Perry is what Hugh Hefner would do if he got his hands on Zooey Deschanel.
- Kim Kardashian makes me long for the days when girls like her were hired to show prizes on game shows and we never had to hear them speak.
- An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all.
- It would be unbelievable, if history did not record the tragic fact, that men have gone to war and cut each other's throat's because they could not agree as to what was to become of them after their throat's were cut.
Walter P. Stacy
- Bumper stickers are a great way to let people know which particular type of moron you are.
Brian Thomas Henderson
- Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.
- Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surround by assholes.
- Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
- Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.
- Sometimes you just have to pee in the sink.
- Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
- Men can only be happy when they do not assume that the object of life is happiness.
- You can judge your age by the amount of pain you feel when you come in contact with a new idea.