Some Of The Best Things Anybody's Ever Said

Page 33.

  1. It's gotta be weird stuffing money into a stripper's bikini when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it.

    Jimmy Fallon, referring to Prince William's bachelor party

  2. Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.

    Jerry Lewis

  3. I get paid for what most kids get punished for.

    Jerry Lewis

  4. Poetry is what happens when an anxiety meets a technique.

    Lawrence Durrell

  5. The search for Reality is the most dangerous of all undertakings, for it destroys the world in which you live.

    Nisargadatta Maharaj

  6. You know when you look in-between two mirrors and it's really annoying because you can almost see forever but your head is in the way?

    Reditor "RonaldoGonzalez"

  7. The obstinacy of cleverness and reason is nothing to the obstinacy of folly and inanity.

    Harriet Beecher Stowe

  8. Evidence my 14yr old daughter is geek-literate: In lieu of OK, one might type K while texting. She instead typed "Potassium"

    Neil deGrasse Tyson

  9. I have to say, as someone who is not Christian; it's hard for me to believe Christians are a persecuted people in America. God-willing, maybe one of you one day will even rise up and get to be president of this country - or maybe forty-four in a row. But, that's my point, is they've taken this idea of no establishment as persecution, because they feel entitled, not to equal status, but to greater status.

    Jon Stewart to Mike Huckabee, on The Daily Show

  10. Yes, I have tricks in my pocket, I have things up my sleeve. But I am the opposite of a stage magician. He gives you illusion that has the appearance of truth. I give you truth in the pleasant disguise of illusion.

    Tennessee Williams

  11. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.

    John Adams

  12. Note to self. When complimenting friends on their children it's OK to call them 'pretty' less good to describe them as 'hot'.

    Jimmy Carr

  13. Beauty without intelligence is a masterpiece painted on a napkin.


  14. If there is a God who will damn his children forever, I would rather go to hell than to go to heaven and keep the society of such an infamous tyrant.

    Robert Green Ingersoll, 1877

  15. A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad.

    Theodore Roosevelt

  16. The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you can never tell if they are genuine.

    Abraham Lincoln

  17. If you're going through hell, keep going.

    Winston Churchill

  18. My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar's birth certificate.

    Rex Huppke (Twitter)

  19. If you owe the bank $100 that's your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem.

    J. Paul Getty

  20. If you have a good date, it's nice to text them afterward to say "thanks." But if they were totally lame, it's fun to text "unsubscribe."

    Caprice Crane (Twitter)

  21. I can explain it for you, but I canít understand it for you.

    from "Clients From Hell"

  22. When I search for my name on Google, page 49 shows naked women. Can you change that?

    from "Clients From Hell"

  23. The Devil is better than God because he only punishes bad people, but God hurts everybody.

    The wisdom of an anonymous child

  24. Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.

    H.L. Mencken

  25. Maybe this world is another planet's hell.

    Aldous Huxley

  26. In the early days all I hoped was to make a living out of what I did best. But, since there's no real market for masturbation I had to fall back on my bass playing abilities.

    Les Claypool

  27. Dictatorship is a story about death of others who turn out to be you coincidently.

    Ai Weiwei

  28. If you are foolish enough to be contented, don't show it, but grumble with the rest.

    Jerome K. Jerome

  29. It is always the best policy to speak the truth, unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.

    Jerome K. Jerome

  30. Notice: Upon deposit, all waste becomes property of McDonalds Inc to be reconstituted and sold on site.

    Graffiti in a McDonalds bathroom

  31. If cats could talk, they wouldn't.

    Nan Porter

  32. When it comes to quotations, itís wise to remember that Winston Churchill said everything that Mark Twain didnít.

    Brian Thomas Henderson

  33. If you're always moving at least 5 seconds faster than reality you're bound to get somewhere.

    Brian Thomas Henderson

  34. My favorite definition of "art" is this: A succinct glimpse of an aspect of reality that you were not previously aware of.

    Brian Thomas Henderson

  35. I could never kill myself. I approve of suicide if you have horrible health. Otherwise it's the ultimate hissy fit.

    John Waters

  36. There's only two things a man can do better than a woman; pee out a campfire and read a map...cause only men can relate to "one inch equals one hundred miles"

    Roseanne Barr

  37. Time you enjoy wasting wasn't wasted.

    John Lennon

  38. If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we couldn't.

    Emerson M. Pugh

  39. You are an aperture through which the universe is looking at and exploring itself.

    Alan Wilson Watts

  40. If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.

    Theodore Roosevelt

  41. A writer is somebody for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people.

    Thomas Mann, born 1875

  42. If you watch NASA backwards, it's about a space agency that has no spaceflight capability, then does low-orbit flights, then lands on the moon.

    Redditor "mepper"

  43. Nothing is more responsible for the good old days than a bad memory.

    Franklin Pierce Adams

  44. If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

    Jimmy Carr

  45. A father carries pictures where his money used to be.


  46. Instead of being born again, why don't you just grow up?

    Bumper Sticker

  47. It's hard to kiss the lips at night that chew your ass out all day long.

    Vince Gil song title

  48. Christianity is the best way to cure gayness. Just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.

    Stephen Colbert

  49. Faking an orgasm during sex is easy. Faking an orgasm when shopping at the supermarket, or while watering your THAT requires some serious talent.

    Brian Thomas Henderson

  50. Age does not diminish the extreme disappointment of having a scoop of ice cream fall from the cone.

    Jim Fiebig