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- It's gotta be weird stuffing money into a stripper's bikini when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it.
Jimmy Fallon, referring to Prince William's bachelor party
- Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.
Jerry Lewis
- I get paid for what most kids get punished for.
Jerry Lewis
- Poetry is what happens when an anxiety meets a technique.
Lawrence Durrell
- The search for Reality is the most dangerous of all undertakings, for it destroys the world in which you live.
Nisargadatta Maharaj
- You know when you look in-between two mirrors and it's really annoying because you can almost see forever but your head is in the way?
Reditor "RonaldoGonzalez"
- The obstinacy of cleverness and reason is nothing to the obstinacy of folly and inanity.
Harriet Beecher Stowe
- Evidence my 14yr old daughter is geek-literate: In lieu of OK, one might type K while texting. She instead typed "Potassium"
Neil deGrasse Tyson
- I have to say, as someone who is not Christian; it's hard for me to believe Christians are a persecuted people in America. God-willing, maybe one of you one day will even rise up and get to be president of this country - or maybe forty-four in a row. But, that's my point, is they've taken this idea of no establishment as persecution, because they feel entitled, not to equal status, but to greater status.
Jon Stewart to Mike Huckabee, on The Daily Show
- Yes, I have tricks in my pocket, I have things up my sleeve. But I am the opposite of a stage magician. He gives you illusion that has the appearance of truth. I give you truth in the pleasant disguise of illusion.
Tennessee Williams
- In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.
John Adams
- Note to self. When complimenting friends on their children it's OK to call them 'pretty' less good to describe them as 'hot'.
Jimmy Carr
- Beauty without intelligence is a masterpiece painted on a napkin.
Anon
- If there is a God who will damn his children forever, I would rather go to hell than to go to heaven and keep the society of such an infamous tyrant.
Robert Green Ingersoll, 1877
- A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad.
Theodore Roosevelt
- The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you can never tell if they are genuine.
Abraham Lincoln
- If you're going through hell, keep going.
Winston Churchill
- My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar's birth certificate.
Rex Huppke (Twitter)
- If you owe the bank $100 that's your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem.
J. Paul Getty
- If you have a good date, it's nice to text them afterward to say "thanks." But if they were totally lame, it's fun to text "unsubscribe."
Caprice Crane (Twitter)
- I can explain it for you, but I can’t understand it for you.
from "Clients From Hell"
- When I search for my name on Google, page 49 shows naked women. Can you change that?
from "Clients From Hell"
- The Devil is better than God because he only punishes bad people, but God hurts everybody.
The wisdom of an anonymous child
- Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.
H.L. Mencken
- Maybe this world is another planet's hell.
Aldous Huxley
- In the early days all I hoped was to make a living out of what I did best. But, since there's no real market for masturbation I had to fall back on my bass playing abilities.
Les Claypool
- Dictatorship is a story about death of others who turn out to be you coincidently.
Ai Weiwei
- If you are foolish enough to be contented, don't show it, but grumble with the rest.
Jerome K. Jerome
- It is always the best policy to speak the truth, unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.
Jerome K. Jerome
- Notice: Upon deposit, all waste becomes property of McDonalds Inc to be reconstituted and sold on site.
Graffiti in a McDonalds bathroom
- If cats could talk, they wouldn't.
Nan Porter
- When it comes to quotations, it’s wise to remember that Winston Churchill said everything that Mark Twain didn’t.
Brian Thomas Henderson
- If you're always moving at least 5 seconds faster than reality you're bound to get somewhere.
Brian Thomas Henderson
- My favorite definition of "art" is this: A succinct glimpse of an aspect of reality that you were not previously aware of.
Brian Thomas Henderson
- I could never kill myself. I approve of suicide if you have horrible health. Otherwise it's the ultimate hissy fit.
John Waters
- There's only two things a man can do better than a woman; pee out a campfire and read a map...cause only men can relate to "one inch equals one hundred miles"
Roseanne Barr
- Time you enjoy wasting wasn't wasted.
John Lennon
- If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we couldn't.
Emerson M. Pugh
- You are an aperture through which the universe is looking at and exploring itself.
Alan Wilson Watts
- If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.
Theodore Roosevelt
- A writer is somebody for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people.
Thomas Mann, born 1875
- If you watch NASA backwards, it's about a space agency that has no spaceflight capability, then does low-orbit flights, then lands on the moon.
Redditor "mepper"
- Nothing is more responsible for the good old days than a bad memory.
Franklin Pierce Adams
- If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?
Jimmy Carr
- A father carries pictures where his money used to be.
Anon
- Instead of being born again, why don't you just grow up?
Bumper Sticker
- It's hard to kiss the lips at night that chew your ass out all day long.
Vince Gil song title
- Christianity is the best way to cure gayness. Just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.
Stephen Colbert
- Faking an orgasm during sex is easy. Faking an orgasm when shopping at the supermarket, or while watering your lawn...now THAT requires some serious talent.
Brian Thomas Henderson
- Age does not diminish the extreme disappointment of having a scoop of ice cream fall from the cone.
Jim Fiebig