Some Of The Best Things Anybody's Ever Said

Page 32.

  1. When it comes to the point where you occasionally look forward to being in prison on the basis that you might be able to spend a day reading a book, the realization dawns that perhaps the situation has become a little more stressful than you would like.

    Julian Assange, founder of the WikiLeaks whistle-blowers’ Web site.

  2. There's no secret about it, really. You just don't die, and you get to be 100.

    Hazel Miller, 100, on getting there.

  3. If Creationists outbreed evolutionists, do they win by disproving survival-of-the-fittest?


  4. If the Rangers win, Texas gets to secede from the U.S...If the Giants win, Texas has to secede.

    Peter Sagal, on the bet between the 2010 World Series teams

  5. If your husband left the hand of Christ, lost his path and decided to murder me in my sleep, it wouldn't get my signature out of the guest-book of your vagina.

    Doug Stanhope

  6. Obama is not a brown-skinned anti-war socialist who gives away free healthcare. You're thinking of Jesus.

    John Fugelsang

  7. Michael Phelps, a saddle, and a stick with a Gold Medal attached to the end of it.

    Anonymous (4chan), answering the age-old question, "What three things would you want if you were stranded on an island?"

  8. My fear is that the whole island will become so overly populated that it will tip over and capsize.

    Rep. Hank Johnson (apparently serious), voicing his objection to sending additional troops to the island of Guam

  9. My dealer asked me to buy him a case of beer because he is only twenty years old...I think that sums up the failure of prohibition right there.

    Redditor "veggiesoup"

  10. Quiet morning in the mall. Then the scream: "It's Pat Sajak!" Then chaos. Autographs and pictures. I'm almost sorry I screamed.

    Pat Sajak (Twitter)

  11. It is useless to attempt to reason a man out of a thing he was never reasoned into.

    Jonathan Swift

  12. I refuse to look at something which my religion tells me cannot exist.

    A representative of the pope, when asked by Galileo to look through his telescope [probably apocryphal]

  13. Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.

    Napoleon Bonaparte

  14. They can't understand orders that are not illuminated by blasphemy.

    Mark Twain, about sailors

  15. ...imagine a puddle waking up one morning and thinking, 'This is an interesting world I find myself in - an interesting hole I find myself in - fits me rather neatly, doesn't it? In fact it fits me staggeringly well, must have been made to have me in it!' This is such a powerful idea that as the sun rises in the sky and the air heats up and as, gradually, the puddle gets smaller and smaller, it's still frantically hanging on to the notion that everything's going to be alright, because this world was meant to have him in it, was built to have him in it; so the moment he disappears catches him rather by surprise.

    Douglas Adams

  16. Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.

    Oscar Wilde

  17. You know that children are growing up when they start asking questions that have answers.

    John J. Plomp

  18. It is not worth an intelligent man's time to be in the majority. By definition, there are already enough people to do that.

    G. H. Hardy

  19. A voluntary, self-administered tax on scientific ignorance.

    Ben Goldacre, on getting ripped-off by quacks

  20. The press can hold its magnifying glass up to our problems, bringing them into focus, illuminating issues heretofore unseen. Or they can use that magnifying glass to light ants on fire. And then, perhaps, host a week of shows on the sudden, unexpected, dangerous flaming ant epidemic.

    Jon Stewart

  21. They didn't want it good, they wanted it Wednesday.

    Robert A. Heinlein

  22. Journalism is printing what someone else does not want printed: everything else is public relations.

    George Orwell

  23. The first principle [of science] is that you must not fool yourself - and you are the easiest person to fool.

    Richard Feynman

  24. Strive to see the error in your own truth, and to see the truth in your opponent's error.

    A columnist I cannot find the name of

  25. True, this is a very large number, but most numbers are larger.

    Ross Millikan, commenting on the number 10^344001

  26. The Founding Fathers would have hated your guts…[and] they were everything you despise. They studied science, read Plato, hung out in Paris, and thought the Bible was mostly bullshit.

    Bill Maher, to the Tea Party

  27. Real eyes realize real lies.


  28. Family Planning Advice: Use Rear Entrance

    Sign at Northampton General Hospital, England

  29. I spent my entire childhood wishing that I was older. Now I'm older and this shit sucks.


  30. Atheism is a religion like "off" is a TV channel.

    @Monicks (Twitter)

  31. You have to understand, we have a village idiot in this country, it's called Fundamentalist Christianity.

    Frank Schaeffer

  32. My neighbor knocked on my door at 3am this morning...3am!! Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums.

    Reddotor rwbronco

  33. For all of you sitting and watching at home, playing the drinking game where you take a shot every time a republican lies; you better get a designated driver.

    Anthony Weiner (D-NY)

  34. In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these.

    Paul Harvey

  35. The 3rd law of memes states that for every meme there is an equal and opposite counter meme. Some lulzologists have attempted to create a perpetual circlejerking meme, but due to the 2nd law of memedynamics the transfer of lulz is never 100% efficient. Some of the lulz always degrade into a less useful form, such as youtube radiation.

    Redditor "captininsanity"

  36. Saying "I'm sorry" and saying "I apologize" are the same thing...unless you're at a funeral.

    Dimitri Martin

  37. An optimist sees a zombie as half alive. A pessimist sees a zombie and says "yep, I knew this would happen."

    Tim Siedell

  38. Pessimists are the ones who see a world full of potential. Unfortunately, most of the world falls far short of its potential. A glass half empty could be so much more.


  39. Although a skillful flatterer is a most delightful companion if you have him all to yourself, his taste becomes very doubtful when he takes to complimenting other people.

    Charles Dickens

  40. Humanity I love you because when you're hard up you pawn your intelligence to buy a drink.

    e. e. cummings

  41. I think I can say with confidence that there will never be a "final" idiot.

    A.I.S. (The last word on that whole, "they keep building better idiots" meme)

  42. I for one welcome our new computer overlords.

    Ken Jennings, "Jeopardy!" quiz show champion, writing on his video screen as he faced certain defeat by a computer (WATSON).

  43. [Writing is] like driving a car at night. You never see further than your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.

    E. L. Doctorow

  44. You're not stuck in traffic, you are traffic.

    Pro-bicycle billboard

  45. Just registered my hands as lethal weapons. Until I get a concealed carry permit, I can't wear mittens.

    Tim Siedell

  46. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

    Peter Kay

  47. The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you never know if they are genuine

    Abraham Lincoln

  48. "Boob" is the perfect word. The B looks like an aerial view of them, the 2 o's look like a front view, and the b looks like a side view.

    Peter Griffin

  49. On this day in 1876, Thomas A. Watson became the first person to have an afternoon ruined by a phone call from the boss.

    Tim Siedell, 3/10/11

  50. Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.

    William Gibson