Some Of The Best Things Anybody's Ever Said

Page 31.

  1. Elephants fight Nazis in a zoo.

    A somewhat misguided Time Warner Cable discription of the 1955 movie "Elephant Fury"

  2. I want to be in Kentucky when the end of the world comes, because it's always 20 years behind

    Mark Twain

  3. That would be like asking someone to get inside a wetsuit made of balogna and point menacingly at a streetsweeper.

    Reddit contributor "NonsensicalAnalogy"

  4. There's more cleavage in this film than at a pro wrestler's wedding.

    Roger Ebert, from his review of "Sex In The City 2"

  5. Hats off to the Icelandic people. First they declared themselves bankrupt... Then they set their island on fire.... Anyone else smell the mother of all insurance frauds?

    Redditor flynnfx (2010)

  6. LSD is a drug that produces fear in people who don't take it.

    Timothy Leary

  7. The factory of the future will have two employees: a man and a dog. The man's job will be to feed the dog. The dog's job will be to prevent the man from touching any of the automated equipment.

    Warren G. Bennis

  8. I want to be cremated, and I want my ashes blown in Uri Geller's eyes.

    James Randi

  9. If a tree falls in the forest and it hits a mime does it make a sound?

    Steven Wright

  10. If, with the literate, I am impelled to try an epigram, I never seek to take the credit; We all assume that Oscar said it.

    Dorothy Parker

  11. Everything I've ever said will be credited to Dorothy Parker.

    George S. Kaufman

  12. A celibate clergy is an especially good idea, because it tends to suppress any hereditary propensity toward fanaticism.

    Carl Sagan

  13. It must have been so cool when the phrase 'Holy shit!' finally caught up to the jet 15 minutes later.

    Humorous Onion comment about a mile-stone hypersonic flight test

  14. An inordinate fondness for beetles

    J. B. S. Haldane, when asked by a group of theologians what one could conclude about the nature of the Creator from a study of his creation

  15. Going to catholic school taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love.

    Anon

  16. If lightning is the anger of the gods, why do the gods hate trees so much?

    A.I.S.

  17. Atheist Sees Image of Big Bang in Piece of Toast

    Title of humorous article, satireandcomment.com

  18. Whenever the various versions of the Hell thing comes up, I always like to point out that no-where in the Bible does it say that when Satan was cast "down" he passed through the surface of the Earth to somewhere below. As far as I'm concerned, right here is "down" from Heaven. We're already in Hell.

    A.I.S

  19. If you could reason with religious people, there would be no religious people.

    Greg House (character on TV show "House")

  20. If the definition of a miracle is that "the impossible happened", then however strong your evidence that a miracle has happened, it would be difficult for the your evidence to be as strong as the extreme unlikelihood of a miracle actually happening.

    A.I.S.

  21. Whenever I eat an apple, it just makes me hungry for more knowledge. And that's a real bummer because I already know everything.

    A.I.S.

  22. Experts have confirmed it; British Petroleum supplied the fuel for the 9/11 planes.

    A.I.S.

  23. ...and vowels will only make it longer

    Response to the Facebook post: "tmrws gunna b a long day"

  24. Many horror movies, if watched backwards, are about a white couple who make more and more multicultural friends over the course of the film.

    A.I.S. (with thanks to Redditor cefriano, for his somewhat muddled original version)

  25. Atheists always fart in church.

    A.I.S.

  26. Arizona High Schools To Now Teach Spanish Entirely In English

    The Onion

  27. "There are no atheists in foxholes" isn't an argument against atheism, it's an argument against foxholes.

    James Morrow

  28. If we're all God's children then what's so special about Jesus?

    Jimmy Carr

  29. For you to be successful, sacrifices must be made. It is better that they are made by others but failing that, you'll have to make them yourself.

    Rita Mae Brown

  30. Each second is a smaller proportion of your remaining life than the one before. That said, this second is the biggest second you'll ever feel again.

    Redditor shitshowmartinez

  31. I am sorry I missed Church, I was busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian.

    Annon

  32. I would tell you to go to Hell but I work there and I donít want to see you every day.

    Annon

  33. Happiness is like peeing your pants; everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.

    Ashton Kutcher

  34. A guy can only be called "Annie" so many times before he snaps.

    Tagline for the "Star Wars" saga (Darth Vader reference)

  35. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

    Milan Kundera

  36. According to a new book, they asked 50 women what they would do if they had a male sex organ for one day. Most of them said, 'Probably get a salary increase.

    Jay Leno

  37. Ashore it's wine, women and song; aboard it's rum, bum and concertina.

    Old saying about the British navy (variations sometimes attributed to Winstone Churchill)

  38. This is how you figure it: If everyone thinks you're cute, you're cute. If some people think you're cute and some people think you're ugly, you're average. But if nobody thinks you're cute, you're ugly.

    A.I.S.

  39. You know, nobody says, "Who's that 37-year-old?" No, what they say is, "Who's that 60-year-old that's been in a fire?"

    Martin Short, on bad cosmetic surgery

  40. While modern technology has given people powerful new communication tools, it apparently can do nothing to alter the fact that many people have nothing useful to say.

    Lee Gomes

  41. Sometimes I pretend I'm dead to see if my dog will go for help. He never does.

    A.I.S.

  42. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

    Dave Barry

  43. Grammer is important. Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping you uncle jack off a horse.

    Cory Sealey (TallCornelius @ Twitter)

  44. Never buy anything that eats while you sleep.

    William Shatner, quoting a fellow horse owner, about the financial downside to keeping horses

  45. At the store, they have 100% recycled toilet paper. The worst job in the world must be recycling toilet paper.

    Marla Singer

  46. He came into town with his cock in hand, and what he did with it was illegal in 49 states.

    Tagline for the movie "Cockfighter" (1974)

  47. Obama won't let me hunt the homeless for sport, that's why I'm voting Tea Party

    Seen on a t-shirt

  48. Obama won't teach kids the earth is flat, that's why I'm voting Tea Party

    Seen on a t-shirt

  49. If you go home with somebody and they don't have books, don't fuck them.

    John Waters

  50. Correction: This blog post originally stated that one in three black men who have sex with me is HIV positive. In fact, the statistic applies to black men who have sex with men.

    Amanda Hess, on the blog "Sex and gender at work, in bed, and on the street"

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