Page 30.
- If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
Harry F. Banks
- I loved when Bush came out and said, "We are losing the war against drugs." You know what that implies? There's a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it.
Bill Hicks
- We live in a world where John Lennon was murdered, yet Barry Manilow continues to put out fucking albums. God-dammit! If you're gonna kill somebody, have some fucking taste. I'll drive you to Kenny Rogers' house myself.
Bill Hicks
- They proved that if you quit smoking, it will prolong your life. What they haven't proved is that a prolonged life is a good thing. I haven't seen the stats on that yet.
Bill Hicks
- The Beatles were so fucking high they let Ringo sing a few tunes.
Bill Hicks
- Microsoft Ad Campaign Crashing Nation's Televisions
(fake headline) The Onion
- More nervous than a small nun at a penguin shoot.
from Life On Mars
- Drive-in banks were established so most of the cars today could see their real owners.
E. Joseph Cossman
- A customer just came into the store using a golf club as a cane. All I could think was "I wonder what his handicap is?"
Redditor maxxspeed
- Jane Austen's books, too, are absent from this library. Just that one omission alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it.
Mark Twain
- Talent hits a target no one else can hit...Genius hits a target no one else can see.
Shopenhauer
- As president, I believe that robotics can inspire young people to pursue science and engineering. And I also want to keep an eye on those robots in case they try anything.
President Barack Obama
- As an Atheist, having a Christian threaten me with hell is like having a hippy threaten to punch me in my aura.
Redditor TedHaggard
- We must question the story logic of having an all-knowing all-powerful God, who creates faulty Humans, and then blames them for his own mistakes.
Gene Roddenberry
- Your readers are my shoplifters.
Betsy Bloomingdale, in a letter to Rupert Murdoch when she refused to take advertising space in the New York Post
- There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all.
Peter Drucker
- If God had meant us to vote, he'd have given us candidates.
Ice-T
- It's great to be with Bill Buckley, because you don't have to think. He takes a position and you automatically take the opposite and you know you're right.
John Kenneth Galbraith
- You are not just wrong. You are wrong at every conceivable scale of resolution. Zooming in on any part of your world view finds beliefs exactly as wrong as your entire world view.
A description of fractal wrongness
- The tea party nation announced that Sarah Palin will headline what is being called the first national tea party convention in February. It is expected to be the nation's largest ever gathering of misspelled signs.
Seth Meyers
- There is no planet B.
Environmentalist Protest Sign in Copenhagen 2009
- If your enemy wrongs you, buy each of his children a drum.
Chinese Proverb
- May prick nor purse ne'er fail you.
The motto of a Scottish gentlemen's club (The Beggar's Benison) devoted to "the convivial celebration of male sexuality"
- Ignorance is the mother of admiration.
George Chapman
- It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
Albert Einstein
- If you are at the checkout counter, you might want to expedite things.
Representative Richard E. Neal, of Massachusetts, on the repeal, for one year, of the federal estate tax.
- Judge rules that City of Chicago can use eminent domain to relocate cemetery for O'Hare expansion. The move is expected to displace almost 1,100 potential voters.
Title of a Reddit link to a news story, by redditor diggro
- Aspire to greatness. But remember that no one ever assassinated a refrigerator repairman.
Bird Waring
- Virtue is often the result of insufficient temptation.
Cheers, George
- Does Cruella know you have her cape tonight?
Sheila Ryan Caan, to Elvis Presley
- I envy paranoids; they actually feel people are paying attention to them.
Susan Sontag
- 'Direction', in Pig Latin, sounds like the best holiday ever.
Twitterer "mattvancil"
- The only difference between the Republican and Democratic parties is the velocities with which their knees hit the floor when corporations knock on their door. That's the only difference.
Ralph Nader
- So, if the Haiti earthquake was sent by God (Pat Robertson) and "made to order for Obama" (Rush Limbaugh) - does that mean God is a Democrat?
Redditor tfdruid
- I laughed so hard my water broke, and I wasn't even pregnant.
Jeanne Robertson
- Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
George Eliot
- My back hurts. I'd get my spine removed if I knew I wouldn't end up as an NBC executive.
Tim Siedell
- Snowing again. I'm going to need some Hollywood starlets to snort my driveway.
Tim Siedell
- If I were a drug dealer, I'd brand mine "No" and explain to kids that their parents told them to ask for it by name.
Tim Siedell
- This year, East Coast, try not to shake the Baby New Year. Okay? Thanks.
Tim Siedell
- The murder rate went down ten percent in the first half of 2009. It's as if the entire city of Detroit has just given up.
Tim Siedell
- Theory: Tiger Woods used his last monkey paw wish to make the world forget about his car accident.
Tim Siedell
- That Indian dinner was so authentic I think I hate Pakistan.
Tim Siedell
- There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.
P.J.O'Rourke
- Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.
George Burns
- Every morning I wake up on the wrong side of Capitalism
Anon
- The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is that vampires are allergic to bullshit.
Richard Pryor
- In heaven, all the interesting people are missing.
Friedrich Nietzsche
- I read the dictionary once; I thought it was a poem about everything.
Steven Wright
- Hydrogen is a tasteless, invisible gas - and if you give it enough time, it will turn into people.
Richard Dawkins