Some Of The Best Things Anybody Ever Said

Page 30.

  1. If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

    Harry F. Banks

  2. I loved when Bush came out and said, "We are losing the war against drugs." You know what that implies? There's a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it.

    Bill Hicks

  3. We live in a world where John Lennon was murdered, yet Barry Manilow continues to put out fucking albums. God-dammit! If you're gonna kill somebody, have some fucking taste. I'll drive you to Kenny Rogers' house myself.

    Bill Hicks

  4. They proved that if you quit smoking, it will prolong your life. What they haven't proved is that a prolonged life is a good thing. I haven't seen the stats on that yet.

    Bill Hicks

  5. The Beatles were so fucking high they let Ringo sing a few tunes.

    Bill Hicks

  6. Microsoft Ad Campaign Crashing Nation's Televisions

    (fake headline) The Onion

  7. More nervous than a small nun at a penguin shoot.

    from Life On Mars

  8. Drive-in banks were established so most of the cars today could see their real owners.

    E. Joseph Cossman

  9. A customer just came into the store using a golf club as a cane. All I could think was "I wonder what his handicap is?"

    Redditor maxxspeed

  10. Jane Austen's books, too, are absent from this library. Just that one omission alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it.

    Mark Twain

  11. Talent hits a target no one else can hit...Genius hits a target no one else can see.


  12. As president, I believe that robotics can inspire young people to pursue science and engineering. And I also want to keep an eye on those robots in case they try anything.

    President Barack Obama

  13. As an Atheist, having a Christian threaten me with hell is like having a hippy threaten to punch me in my aura.

    Redditor TedHaggard

  14. We must question the story logic of having an all-knowing all-powerful God, who creates faulty Humans, and then blames them for his own mistakes.

    Gene Roddenberry

  15. Your readers are my shoplifters.

    Betsy Bloomingdale, in a letter to Rupert Murdoch when she refused to take advertising space in the New York Post

  16. There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all.

    Peter Drucker

  17. If God had meant us to vote, he'd have given us candidates.


  18. It's great to be with Bill Buckley, because you don't have to think. He takes a position and you automatically take the opposite and you know you're right.

    John Kenneth Galbraith

  19. You are not just wrong. You are wrong at every conceivable scale of resolution. Zooming in on any part of your world view finds beliefs exactly as wrong as your entire world view.

    A description of fractal wrongness

  20. The tea party nation announced that Sarah Palin will headline what is being called the first national tea party convention in February. It is expected to be the nation's largest ever gathering of misspelled signs.

    Seth Meyers

  21. There is no planet B.

    Environmentalist Protest Sign in Copenhagen 2009

  22. If your enemy wrongs you, buy each of his children a drum.

    Chinese Proverb

  23. May prick nor purse ne'er fail you.

    The motto of a Scottish gentlemen's club (The Beggar's Benison) devoted to "the convivial celebration of male sexuality"

  24. Ignorance is the mother of admiration.

    George Chapman

  25. It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

    Albert Einstein

  26. If you are at the checkout counter, you might want to expedite things.

    Representative Richard E. Neal, of Massachusetts, on the repeal, for one year, of the federal estate tax.

  27. Judge rules that City of Chicago can use eminent domain to relocate cemetery for O'Hare expansion. The move is expected to displace almost 1,100 potential voters.

    Title of a Reddit link to a news story, by redditor diggro

  28. Aspire to greatness. But remember that no one ever assassinated a refrigerator repairman.

    Bird Waring

  29. Virtue is often the result of insufficient temptation.

    Cheers, George

  30. Does Cruella know you have her cape tonight?

    Sheila Ryan Caan, to Elvis Presley

  31. I envy paranoids; they actually feel people are paying attention to them.

    Susan Sontag

  32. 'Direction', in Pig Latin, sounds like the best holiday ever.

    Twitterer "mattvancil"

  33. The only difference between the Republican and Democratic parties is the velocities with which their knees hit the floor when corporations knock on their door. That's the only difference.

    Ralph Nader

  34. So, if the Haiti earthquake was sent by God (Pat Robertson) and "made to order for Obama" (Rush Limbaugh) - does that mean God is a Democrat?

    Redditor tfdruid

  35. I laughed so hard my water broke, and I wasn't even pregnant.

    Jeanne Robertson

  36. Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

    George Eliot

  37. My back hurts. I'd get my spine removed if I knew I wouldn't end up as an NBC executive.

    Tim Siedell

  38. Snowing again. I'm going to need some Hollywood starlets to snort my driveway.

    Tim Siedell

  39. If I were a drug dealer, I'd brand mine "No" and explain to kids that their parents told them to ask for it by name.

    Tim Siedell

  40. This year, East Coast, try not to shake the Baby New Year. Okay? Thanks.

    Tim Siedell

  41. The murder rate went down ten percent in the first half of 2009. It's as if the entire city of Detroit has just given up.

    Tim Siedell

  42. Theory: Tiger Woods used his last monkey paw wish to make the world forget about his car accident.

    Tim Siedell

  43. That Indian dinner was so authentic I think I hate Pakistan.

    Tim Siedell

  44. There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.


  45. Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

    George Burns

  46. Every morning I wake up on the wrong side of Capitalism


  47. The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is that vampires are allergic to bullshit.

    Richard Pryor

  48. In heaven, all the interesting people are missing.

    Friedrich Nietzsche

  49. I read the dictionary once; I thought it was a poem about everything.

    Steven Wright

  50. Hydrogen is a tasteless, invisible gas - and if you give it enough time, it will turn into people.

    Richard Dawkins