Some Of The Best Things Anybody Ever Said
- If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
Harry F. Banks
- I loved when Bush came out and said, "We are losing the war against drugs." You know what that implies? There's a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it.
- We live in a world where John Lennon was murdered, yet Barry Manilow continues to put out fucking albums. God-dammit! If you're gonna kill somebody, have some fucking taste. I'll drive you to Kenny Rogers' house myself.
- They proved that if you quit smoking, it will prolong your life. What they haven't proved is that a prolonged life is a good thing. I haven't seen the stats on that yet.
- The Beatles were so fucking high they let Ringo sing a few tunes.
- Microsoft Ad Campaign Crashing Nation's Televisions
(fake headline) The Onion
- More nervous than a small nun at a penguin shoot.
from Life On Mars
- Drive-in banks were established so most of the cars today could see their real owners.
E. Joseph Cossman
- A customer just came into the store using a golf club as a cane. All I could think was "I wonder what his handicap is?"
- Jane Austen's books, too, are absent from this library. Just that one omission alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it.
- Talent hits a target no one else can hit...Genius hits a target no one else can see.
- As president, I believe that robotics can inspire young people to pursue science and engineering. And I also want to keep an eye on those robots in case they try anything.
President Barack Obama
- As an Atheist, having a Christian threaten me with hell is like having a hippy threaten to punch me in my aura.
- We must question the story logic of having an all-knowing all-powerful God, who creates faulty Humans, and then blames them for his own mistakes.
- Your readers are my shoplifters.
Betsy Bloomingdale, in a letter to Rupert Murdoch when she refused to take advertising space in the New York Post
- There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all.
- If God had meant us to vote, he'd have given us candidates.
- It's great to be with Bill Buckley, because you don't have to think. He takes a position and you automatically take the opposite and you know you're right.
John Kenneth Galbraith
- You are not just wrong. You are wrong at every conceivable scale of resolution. Zooming in on any part of your world view finds beliefs exactly as wrong as your entire world view.
A description of fractal wrongness
- The tea party nation announced that Sarah Palin will headline what is being called the first national tea party convention in February. It is expected to be the nation's largest ever gathering of misspelled signs.
- There is no planet B.
Environmentalist Protest Sign in Copenhagen 2009
- If your enemy wrongs you, buy each of his children a drum.
- May prick nor purse ne'er fail you.
The motto of a Scottish gentlemen's club (The Beggar's Benison) devoted to "the convivial celebration of male sexuality"
- Ignorance is the mother of admiration.
- It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
- If you are at the checkout counter, you might want to expedite things.
Representative Richard E. Neal, of Massachusetts, on the repeal, for one year, of the federal estate tax.
- Judge rules that City of Chicago can use eminent domain to relocate cemetery for O'Hare expansion. The move is expected to displace almost 1,100 potential voters.
Title of a Reddit link to a news story, by redditor diggro
- Aspire to greatness. But remember that no one ever assassinated a refrigerator repairman.
- Virtue is often the result of insufficient temptation.
- Does Cruella know you have her cape tonight?
Sheila Ryan Caan, to Elvis Presley
- I envy paranoids; they actually feel people are paying attention to them.
- 'Direction', in Pig Latin, sounds like the best holiday ever.
- The only difference between the Republican and Democratic parties is the velocities with which their knees hit the floor when corporations knock on their door. That's the only difference.
- So, if the Haiti earthquake was sent by God (Pat Robertson) and "made to order for Obama" (Rush Limbaugh) - does that mean God is a Democrat?
- I laughed so hard my water broke, and I wasn't even pregnant.
- Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
- My back hurts. I'd get my spine removed if I knew I wouldn't end up as an NBC executive.
- Snowing again. I'm going to need some Hollywood starlets to snort my driveway.
- If I were a drug dealer, I'd brand mine "No" and explain to kids that their parents told them to ask for it by name.
- This year, East Coast, try not to shake the Baby New Year. Okay? Thanks.
- The murder rate went down ten percent in the first half of 2009. It's as if the entire city of Detroit has just given up.
- Theory: Tiger Woods used his last monkey paw wish to make the world forget about his car accident.
- That Indian dinner was so authentic I think I hate Pakistan.
- There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.
- Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.
- Every morning I wake up on the wrong side of Capitalism
- The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is that vampires are allergic to bullshit.
- In heaven, all the interesting people are missing.
- I read the dictionary once; I thought it was a poem about everything.
- Hydrogen is a tasteless, invisible gas - and if you give it enough time, it will turn into people.