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- Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "you're making a scene."
Homer Simpson
- No knowledge is useless, with the exception of heraldry.
Samuel Johnson
- Any idiot can face a crisis - it's day to day living that wears you out.
Anton Chekhov
- I told a student in kindergarten that candy canes were the bones of reject elves.
Kody (at www.onesentence.org)
- The first thing I noticed after my dog died was how much food was accumulating on the kitchen floor.
Molly (at www.onesentence.org)
- After I spilled gasoline on my shoes while topping off my car's tank on the way to lunch, my daughter announced to the cashier at McDonald's, "If you smell gas, it's coming from my mom".
SunnyBun (at www.onesentence.org)
- It was one of those exams that you absolutely must pass if you want to continue in the program, and I failed the set-your-alarm-clock-properly portion.
Erik Wennstrom (at www.onesentence.org)
- Women are always buying something.
Ovid (2,000 years ago)
- The conception of two people living together for twenty-five years without having a cross word suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep.
Alan Patrick Herbert
- Yes, they are very dangerous! Radio waves containing Rush Limbaugh's voice have totally destroyed my father's brain.
Redditor NastyConde, on the question of whether raido waves are harmful
- Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
unknown
- I was born not knowing and have had only a little time to change that here and there.
Richard Feynman
- Penguins mate for life. Which doesn't really surprise me, 'cause they all look exactly alike. Its not like they're gonna meet a better-looking penguin someday.
Ellen DeGeneres
- When men are growing up and they're reading about Batman, Spiderman, Superman...those are not fantasies...they're options.
Jerry Seinfeld
- How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children.
(book title) by Lewis Burke Frumkes
- Happiness is not achieved by the conscious pursuit of happiness; it is generally the by-product of other activities.
Aldous Huxley
- You can't take something off the internet, it's like trying to take pee out of a swimming pool.
Joe Rogan, News Radio
- Contraception is almost five times cheaper as a means of preventing climate change than conventional green technologies.
According to research by the London School of Economics
- Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time
Anonymous
- If the world were a logical place, men would ride side saddle.
Rita Mae Brown
- Oldest person in the world dies AGAIN! Why does this keep happening?!
Title of a Reddit link to that day's story about the death of the current former world's oldest person - by Citizen511
- We have a Village Idiot In this country, it's called fundamentalist Christianity.
Frank Schaeffer, on The Rachel Maddow Show (Sept. 15, 2009)
- My notion of a wife at forty is that a man should be able to change her, like a banknote, for two twenties.
Warren Beatty
- Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn’t.
Mark Twain
- It ain’t those parts of the Bible that I can’t understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.
Mark Twain
- The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one.
George Bernard Shaw
- With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion.
Steven Weinberg
- Properly read, the Bible is the most potent force for atheism ever conceived.
Isaac Asimov
- You’re basically killing each other to see who’s got the better imaginary friend.
Richard Jeni, on religion
- There once was a time when all people believed in God and the church ruled. This time was called the Dark Ages.
Richard Lederer
- It's funny how everyone hates witch hunts... until they see a witch.
Jon Stewart
- I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
Emo Phillips
- Film directors are people too short to become actors.
Josh Greenfield
- Life doesn't imitate art. It imitates bad television.
Woody Allen
- Television is the box they buried entertainment in.
Bob Hope (1985)
- Sometimes Howard [Cosell] makes me wish I was a dog and he was a fireplug.
Muhammad Ali
- My youngest says if she had a time machine, she'd go back and pick a different ice cream flavor. (Sorry, Holocaust Jews.)
Tim Siedell (Twitter)
- The only way the new jobless claims report could be more disturbing is if Bob Dylan sang it on his new Christmas album.
Tim Siedell (Twitter)
- Saturday is United Nations Day. I will celebrate by doing nothing.
Tim Siedell (Twitter)
- I didn't just start the Richard Gere Lookalike in a Naval Uniform Carrying You to the Parking Garage service. I'm also a customer.
Tim Siedell (Twitter)
- Screw the Mayan calendar. This Dilbert desk calendar speaks of nothing beyond December 31, 2009.
Tim Siedell (Twitter)
- The scariest movie monster has to be the Invisible Man. Because he's a naked man. And he might be sitting on your sofa.
Tim Siedell (Twitter)
- Ask your financial adviser if you're wealthy enough to ask your doctor if you're healthy enough for sexual activity.
Tim Siedell (Twitter)
- Don't you hate it when time travelers from the future want a photo with you but then refuse to say why they're laughing?
Tim Siedell (Twitter)
- Didn't win a peace prize. Seems I wasted another year not killing my landlord.
Tim Siedell (Twitter)
- Tonight, a young man in the parking garage called me mister. Like, on top of everything else, I needed to bury a body.
Tim Siedell (Twitter)
- They're putting a McDonald's inside the Louvre. Now, let's hope they put Thomas Kinkade paintings inside the McDonald's.
Tim Siedell (Twitter)
- When is the best time to start training a kitten to hold a knife?
Tim Siedell (Twitter)
- New DNA tests on Hitler's skull shows that it belonged to a 40 year old woman. Which really changes my image of Hitler.
Tim Siedell (Twitter)
- At my daughter's cross country meet. Seeing girls run away from me brings back a flood of middle school memories.
Tim Siedell (Twitter)
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