Some Of The Best Things Anybody Ever Said

Page 29.

  1. Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "you're making a scene."

    Homer Simpson

  2. No knowledge is useless, with the exception of heraldry.

    Samuel Johnson

  3. Any idiot can face a crisis - it's day to day living that wears you out.

    Anton Chekhov

  4. I told a student in kindergarten that candy canes were the bones of reject elves.

    Kody (at

  5. The first thing I noticed after my dog died was how much food was accumulating on the kitchen floor.

    Molly (at

  6. After I spilled gasoline on my shoes while topping off my car's tank on the way to lunch, my daughter announced to the cashier at McDonald's, "If you smell gas, it's coming from my mom".

    SunnyBun (at

  7. It was one of those exams that you absolutely must pass if you want to continue in the program, and I failed the set-your-alarm-clock-properly portion.

    Erik Wennstrom (at

  8. Women are always buying something.

    Ovid (2,000 years ago)

  9. The conception of two people living together for twenty-five years without having a cross word suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep.

    Alan Patrick Herbert

  10. Yes, they are very dangerous! Radio waves containing Rush Limbaugh's voice have totally destroyed my father's brain.

    Redditor NastyConde, on the question of whether raido waves are harmful

  11. Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.


  12. I was born not knowing and have had only a little time to change that here and there.

    Richard Feynman

  13. Penguins mate for life. Which doesn't really surprise me, 'cause they all look exactly alike. Its not like they're gonna meet a better-looking penguin someday.

    Ellen DeGeneres

  14. When men are growing up and they're reading about Batman, Spiderman, Superman...those are not fantasies...they're options.

    Jerry Seinfeld

  15. How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children.

    (book title) by Lewis Burke Frumkes

  16. Happiness is not achieved by the conscious pursuit of happiness; it is generally the by-product of other activities.

    Aldous Huxley

  17. You can't take something off the internet, it's like trying to take pee out of a swimming pool.

    Joe Rogan, News Radio

  18. Contraception is almost five times cheaper as a means of preventing climate change than conventional green technologies.

    According to research by the London School of Economics

  19. Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time


  20. If the world were a logical place, men would ride side saddle.

    Rita Mae Brown

  21. Oldest person in the world dies AGAIN! Why does this keep happening?!

    Title of a Reddit link to that day's story about the death of the current former world's oldest person - by Citizen511

  22. We have a Village Idiot In this country, it's called fundamentalist Christianity.

    Frank Schaeffer, on The Rachel Maddow Show (Sept. 15, 2009)

  23. My notion of a wife at forty is that a man should be able to change her, like a banknote, for two twenties.

    Warren Beatty

  24. Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isnít.

    Mark Twain

  25. It ainít those parts of the Bible that I canít understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.

    Mark Twain

  26. The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one.

    George Bernard Shaw

  27. With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion.

    Steven Weinberg

  28. Properly read, the Bible is the most potent force for atheism ever conceived.

    Isaac Asimov

  29. Youíre basically killing each other to see whoís got the better imaginary friend.

    Richard Jeni, on religion

  30. There once was a time when all people believed in God and the church ruled. This time was called the Dark Ages.

    Richard Lederer

  31. It's funny how everyone hates witch hunts... until they see a witch.

    Jon Stewart

  32. I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

    Emo Phillips

  33. Film directors are people too short to become actors.

    Josh Greenfield

  34. Life doesn't imitate art. It imitates bad television.

    Woody Allen

  35. Television is the box they buried entertainment in.

    Bob Hope (1985)

  36. Sometimes Howard [Cosell] makes me wish I was a dog and he was a fireplug.

    Muhammad Ali

  37. My youngest says if she had a time machine, she'd go back and pick a different ice cream flavor. (Sorry, Holocaust Jews.)

    Tim Siedell (Twitter)

  38. The only way the new jobless claims report could be more disturbing is if Bob Dylan sang it on his new Christmas album.

    Tim Siedell (Twitter)

  39. Saturday is United Nations Day. I will celebrate by doing nothing.

    Tim Siedell (Twitter)

  40. I didn't just start the Richard Gere Lookalike in a Naval Uniform Carrying You to the Parking Garage service. I'm also a customer.

    Tim Siedell (Twitter)

  41. Screw the Mayan calendar. This Dilbert desk calendar speaks of nothing beyond December 31, 2009.

    Tim Siedell (Twitter)

  42. The scariest movie monster has to be the Invisible Man. Because he's a naked man. And he might be sitting on your sofa.

    Tim Siedell (Twitter)

  43. Ask your financial adviser if you're wealthy enough to ask your doctor if you're healthy enough for sexual activity.

    Tim Siedell (Twitter)

  44. Don't you hate it when time travelers from the future want a photo with you but then refuse to say why they're laughing?

    Tim Siedell (Twitter)

  45. Didn't win a peace prize. Seems I wasted another year not killing my landlord.

    Tim Siedell (Twitter)

  46. Tonight, a young man in the parking garage called me mister. Like, on top of everything else, I needed to bury a body.

    Tim Siedell (Twitter)

  47. They're putting a McDonald's inside the Louvre. Now, let's hope they put Thomas Kinkade paintings inside the McDonald's.

    Tim Siedell (Twitter)

  48. When is the best time to start training a kitten to hold a knife?

    Tim Siedell (Twitter)

  49. New DNA tests on Hitler's skull shows that it belonged to a 40 year old woman. Which really changes my image of Hitler.

    Tim Siedell (Twitter)

  50. At my daughter's cross country meet. Seeing girls run away from me brings back a flood of middle school memories.

    Tim Siedell (Twitter)

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