Some Of The Best Things Anybody Ever Said
- Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.
George Bernard Shaw
- Everyone knows someone who needs killing but no one knows a horse that needs stealing.
Dick Degeurin, famous Texas lawyer, when asked why Texas juries can acquit admitted killers but be very harsh on thieves
- The scientists of today think deeply instead of clearly. One must be sane to think clearly, but one can think deeply and be quite insane.
- The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all of your time
Willem de Kooning
- You have Van Gogh's ear for music
- They say a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but it's not one half so bad as a lot of ignorance.
- For disappearing acts, it's hard to beat what happens to the eight hours supposedly left after eight of sleep and eight of work.
- If the human body's obscene, complain to the manufacturer, not me.
- Did you ever hear anyone say 'That work had better be banned because I might read it and it might be very damaging to me'?
Joseph Henry Jackson
- Seeing BBC.co.uk with ads is like seeing your dad giving Satan a reacharound.
- I hate all sports as rabidly as a person who likes sports hates common sense.
H. L. Mencken
- I don't have a bank account, because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
- Abnormal is so common, it's practically normal.
- Worry is a misuse of imagination.
- A man without a woman is like a pistol without a hammer.
- I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?
- Communism is like one big phone company.
- The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around.
- Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it.
- If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.
- Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony.
- A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.
- It's a flaw in our argument, for sure. By any reading of evolutionary theory, creationists ought to have died out ages ago. They serve no function in the planet's ecosystem, and no other species has survived so long while in such fundamental disagreement with observable reality. If I wasn't such an ardent believer in secular materialism, I'd wager this is really troubling Darwin in the afterlife.
- Science was my favorite subject. Especially the Old Testament.
Kenneth (30 Rock)
- I was saddened to hear that Steven Hawking hasn't been feeling well lately. I'm no expert but has anyone tried switching him off and then back on again?
- The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one.
George Bernard Shaw
- Look at y'all, in your robes. Usually, when you're in a robe at ten in the morning it means you've given up.
Ellen Degeneris (Tulane commencement speech - 2009)
- Yes, it's tough, but not as tough as doing comedy.
Edmund Gwenn, when asked if he thought dying was tough
- Leave the shower curtain on the inside of the tub.
Conrad Hilton, when asked if he had any last words of wisdom
- When I hear that a man is religious, I conclude he is a rascal!
- I am dying. Please...bring me a toothpick.
- We all get the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer. The poor get it in the winter.
- Now, now, my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
Voltaire (attributed last words), when asked by a priest to renounce Satan
- Dig where the gold is...unless you just need some exercise.
John M. Capozzi
- I'm not allowed to stay up to watch The Tonight Show. Yes, my parents are dead now, but I felt obligated to continue the tradition.
The Onion (More American Voices - 6/2/09)
- The man is the Piltdown Man of modern politics.
Charlie Pierce, on Mitt Romney
- Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults.
- Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone.
John Maynard Keynes
- The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward.
John Maynard Keynes
- If I were you, I'd run! If you were me, you'd be good-lookin'
daybreaker (at least, that's what HE claims)
- To make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe.
- Had one exchange with Dell (computer company) and it could only have been worse if they'd fire bombed my house and sent cannibals into the wreckage to eat us.
- Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
- If you watch Jaws backwards, it's a movie about a shark that keeps throwing up people until they open a beach.
- If the world were a logical place, men would ride sidesaddle.
Rita Mae Brown
- The eyes are the mirror of the soul. Your soul appears to be spiders and bad news.
- Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
T. S. Eliot
- To have no thoughts and be able to express them - that's what makes a journalist.
- Trying is the first step towards failure.
- To alcohol! The cause of -- and solution to -- all of life's problems!