Some Of The Best Things Anybody Ever Said

Page 28.

  1. Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.

    George Bernard Shaw

  2. Everyone knows someone who needs killing but no one knows a horse that needs stealing.

    Dick Degeurin, famous Texas lawyer, when asked why Texas juries can acquit admitted killers but be very harsh on thieves

  3. The scientists of today think deeply instead of clearly. One must be sane to think clearly, but one can think deeply and be quite insane.

    Nikola Tesla

  4. The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all of your time

    Willem de Kooning

  5. You have Van Gogh's ear for music

    Artemus Ward

  6. They say a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but it's not one half so bad as a lot of ignorance.

    Terry Pratchett

  7. For disappearing acts, it's hard to beat what happens to the eight hours supposedly left after eight of sleep and eight of work.

    Doug Larson

  8. If the human body's obscene, complain to the manufacturer, not me.

    Larry Flynt

  9. Did you ever hear anyone say 'That work had better be banned because I might read it and it might be very damaging to me'?

    Joseph Henry Jackson

  10. Seeing with ads is like seeing your dad giving Satan a reacharound.

    Paul Carr

  11. I hate all sports as rabidly as a person who likes sports hates common sense.

    H. L. Mencken

  12. I don't have a bank account, because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

    Paula Poundstone

  13. Abnormal is so common, it's practically normal.

    Cory Doctorow

  14. Worry is a misuse of imagination.

    Dan Zadra

  15. A man without a woman is like a pistol without a hammer.

    Victor Hugo

  16. I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?

    Jean Kerr

  17. Communism is like one big phone company.

    Lenny Bruce

  18. The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around.

    Herb Caen

  19. Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it.

    Mark Twain

  20. If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.

    Anatole France

  21. Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony.

    Robert Benchley

  22. A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.

    Robert Frost

  23. It's a flaw in our argument, for sure. By any reading of evolutionary theory, creationists ought to have died out ages ago. They serve no function in the planet's ecosystem, and no other species has survived so long while in such fundamental disagreement with observable reality. If I wasn't such an ardent believer in secular materialism, I'd wager this is really troubling Darwin in the afterlife.

    Richard Dawkins

  24. Science was my favorite subject. Especially the Old Testament.

    Kenneth (30 Rock)

  25. I was saddened to hear that Steven Hawking hasn't been feeling well lately. I'm no expert but has anyone tried switching him off and then back on again?

    yamahahaha (reddit)

  26. The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one.

    George Bernard Shaw

  27. Look at y'all, in your robes. Usually, when you're in a robe at ten in the morning it means you've given up.

    Ellen Degeneris (Tulane commencement speech - 2009)

  28. Yes, it's tough, but not as tough as doing comedy.

    Edmund Gwenn, when asked if he thought dying was tough

  29. Leave the shower curtain on the inside of the tub.

    Conrad Hilton, when asked if he had any last words of wisdom

  30. When I hear that a man is religious, I conclude he is a rascal!

    David Hume

  31. I am dying. Please...bring me a toothpick.

    Alfred Jarry

  32. We all get the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer. The poor get it in the winter.

    Bat Masterson

  33. Now, now, my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

    Voltaire (attributed last words), when asked by a priest to renounce Satan

  34. Dig where the gold is...unless you just need some exercise.

    John M. Capozzi

  35. I'm not allowed to stay up to watch The Tonight Show. Yes, my parents are dead now, but I felt obligated to continue the tradition.

    The Onion (More American Voices - 6/2/09)

  36. The man is the Piltdown Man of modern politics.

    Charlie Pierce, on Mitt Romney

  37. Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults.

    Thomas Szasz

  38. Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone.

    John Maynard Keynes

  39. The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward.

    John Maynard Keynes

  40. If I were you, I'd run! If you were me, you'd be good-lookin'

    daybreaker (at least, that's what HE claims)

  41. To make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe.

    Carl Sagan

  42. Had one exchange with Dell (computer company) and it could only have been worse if they'd fire bombed my house and sent cannibals into the wreckage to eat us.

    Peter Cassidy

  43. Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.

    Mark Twain

  44. If you watch Jaws backwards, it's a movie about a shark that keeps throwing up people until they open a beach.

    Redditor sixdoublefive321

  45. If the world were a logical place, men would ride sidesaddle.

    Rita Mae Brown

  46. The eyes are the mirror of the soul. Your soul appears to be spiders and bad news.


  47. Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

    T. S. Eliot

  48. To have no thoughts and be able to express them - that's what makes a journalist.

    Karl Kraus

  49. Trying is the first step towards failure.

    Homer Simpson

  50. To alcohol! The cause of -- and solution to -- all of life's problems!

    Homer Simpson

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