Page 27.
- Reality has a well-known liberal bias.
Steven Colbert
- When raising children, investigate all sudden noises and all prolonged silences.
Joseph E. Shaffer
- The veneer of civilization is so thin that it often comes off with just a little alcohol.
Anon
- There is nothing so fairly distributed as common sense. No one thinks he needs more than he already has.
Anon
- Some people complain that roses have thorns. I'm just glad that thorns have roses.
Anon
- I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
Jack Handy
- A committee has six or more legs and no brain.
Anonymous
- A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
Fred Allen
- Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of witnesses.
Margaret Miller
- A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him or her.
David Brinkley
- I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.
Emo Philips
- Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
Unknown
- A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many bad measures.
Daniel Webster
- Fit Of Anger Turns Dairy Farmer Into Beef Farmer
The Onion (Headline), 11.20.08
- I think we consider too much the good luck of the early bird and not enough the bad luck of the early worm.
Theodore Roosevelt
- The two greatest discoveries of the 20th century were the Cuisinart and the clitoris
Gael Greene - food critic, Ney York Magazine
- Humble people don't think less of themselves, they think of themselves less.
Anon
- When your life flashes before your eyes, make sure it is worth watching.
Anonymous
- A man has a right to defend himself, even against his own leg.
Posting on Freakonomics blog about football player Plaxico Burress, who accidently shot himself in the leg
- I could not fail to disagree with you less.
Boris Johnson, winner of the 2004 Foot In Mouth award
- I am afraid that overstates the number of Presidents we have.
Senator Barney Frank, commenting on President-elect Obama's statement that there's only one President at a time.
- We are not giving you the advice to start smiling at everyone you meet in New York. That would be dangerous.
James H. Fowler, co-author of a study that found that happiness is contagious
- Macho does not prove mucho.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
- If you even dream of beating me you'd better wake up and apologize.
Muhammad Ali
- The Constitution only gives people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself.
Benjamin Franklin
- It is the classic fallacy of our time that a moron run through a university and decorated with a Ph.D. will thereby cease to be a moron.
H.L. Mencken
- Your shoes also wish you were lighter.
Misfortune Cookie message
- I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.
Shirley Temple
- We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.
Benjamin Franklin
- Doing research on the Web is like using a library assembled piecemeal by pack rats and vandalized nightly.
Roger Ebert, in a column for Yahoo! Internet Life
- Ron Jeremy, for those not willing to admit they know who he is, has been in more porn films than anyone else. His popularity is easily explained: Every man alive believes that any woman would prefer him to Ron Jeremy.
Roger Ebert, in a review of the film "Orgazmo"
- I didn't feel like a viewer during "Frozen Assets." I felt like an eyewitness at a disaster. If I were more of a hero, I would spend the next couple of weeks breaking into theaters where this movie is being shown, and leading the audience to safety.
Roger Ebert
- I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Fred Allen
- A beauty is a woman you notice; a charmer is one who notices you.
Adlai E. Stevenson
- Youth is when you blame your troubles on your parents; maturity is when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
Bertolt Brecht
- Spark Of Humanity Fades From Mark Teixeira's Eyes After Signing With Yankees.
The Onion (Headline)
- The best way to get a bad law repealed is to enforce it strictly.
Abraham Lincoln
- I only drink to make other people seem interesting.
George Jean Nathan
- If the patient says, 'I am going to kill myself,' the therapist might reply, 'I thought you agreed not to drop out of therapy.'
Marsha Linehan, quoted in "The Mystery of Borderline Personality Disorder" by John Cloud
- A book is a mirror; if an ass peers in to it, you can't expect an apostle to peer out.
Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
- The hardest thing about any political campaign is how to win without proving that you are unworthy of winning.
Adlai E. Stevenson
- Three failures denote uncommon strength. A weakling has not enough grit to fail thrice.
Minna Thomas Antrim
- Those who want the Government to regulate matters of the mind and spirit are like men who are so afraid of being murdered that they commit suicide to avoid assassination.
Harry S Truman
- Well, I really think he shatters the myth of white supremacy once and for all.
Rep. Charles Rangel, when asked what he thought of President George H.W. Bush
- I never cared much for fish but now that they are called "Sea Kittens" I can't stop eating them.
A wag on Reddit, in response to PETA's suggestion that we call fish "Sea Kittens"
- Science flies you to the moon. Religion flies you into buildings.
Victor Stenger
- Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet.
Roger Miller
- You cannot fashion a wit out of two half-wits.
Neil Kinnock
- The Superbowl is American! Why are the Romans numeraling our bowls?
Stephen Colbert
- If you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone!
Bill Maher