Some Of The Best Things Anybody's Ever Said

Page 26.

  1. My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.

    Rita Rudner

  2. The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.

    Calvin Trillin

  3. After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

    Cato the Elder

  4. I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

    Woody Allen

  5. Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor.

    Abe Lemons, American college basketball coach

  6. The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.

    Abe Lemons

  7. A celibate clergy is an especially good idea, because it tends to suppress any hereditary propensity toward fanaticism.

    Dr. Carl Sagan

  8. If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

    George Carlin

  9. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

    George Carlin

  10. I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

    Steven Wright

  11. The reward for conformity is that everyone likes you but yourself.

    Rita Mae Brown

  12. What would Jack Frost do?

    Sign held by a snowman, The Onion

  13. I do not approve of anything that tampers with natural ignorance. Ignorance is like a delicate, exotic fruit; touch it, and the bloom is gone.

    Oscar Wilde

  14. There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

    Will Rogers

  15. Muphry's law states that "if you write anything criticizing editing or proofreading, there will be a fault of some kind in what you have written.


  16. When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.

    P. J. O'Rourke

  17. Just think how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of them are even stupider!

    George Carlin

  18. Football combines the two worst features of American life. It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.

    George F. Will

  19. Go as far as you can see; when you get there you'll be able to see farther.

    Thomas Carlyle

  20. My definition of an expert in any field is a person who knows enough about what's really going on to be scared.

    P. J. Plauger

  21. Children are the most desirable opponents at Scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.

    Fran Lebowitz

  22. Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

    Terry Pratchett

  23. The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.

    Victor Borge

  24. A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.

    Army's magazine of preventive maintenance

  25. Aim towards the Enemy.

    Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

  26. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.

    U.S. Marine Corps

  27. Tracers work both ways.

    U.S. Army Ordnance

  28. Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.

    Infantry Journal

  29. Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

    Calvin (comic strip Calvin and Hobbes)

  30. I hope there isn't extra-terrestrial life. What's been happening on this planet lately is so damned embarrassing. I'm appalled to think someone might be watching.

    Kevin O'Kelly

  31. Mr. President, anyone who can cross millions of miles of space will be able to take care of themselves when they get there. Don’t start something you can’t finish.

    Albert Einstein, talking to President Truman about the “shoot-them-down” order of UFOs flying over Washington DC on July 19, 1952 - As quoted by national radio host Frank Edwards

  32. It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.

    Andrew Jackson

  33. If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can't be done.

    Peter Ustinov

  34. A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs; jolted by every pebble in the road.

    Henry Ward Beecher

  35. The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you'll grow out of it.

    Doris Day

  36. Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and immature.

    Tom Robbins

  37. If he's the answer to the question, the question must be ridiculous.

    New York governor David A. Paterson on John McCain

  38. You should mention that to your previous sentence.

    Jon Stewart, refering to Senator McCain's statement, "Senator Obama and his allies in Congress infused unnecessary partisanship into the process. Now is not the time to fix the blame."

  39. That’s what Fox News does; it removes complexity from the world. It turns nuance into simplicity by sanding off the edges of reality. And their viewers love it. They cherish the simplified version of the world that Fox News shows them. And when these people are exposed to complexity and nuance they become nauseous—as if their inner ear has been damaged. They can’t wait to escape the world of gray.

    Daniel Miessler

  40. The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer.

    Henry Kissinger

  41. On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.

    Will Rogers

  42. You can't do anything about the length of your life, but you can do something about its width and depth.

    Evan Esar

  43. Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

    Andre Gide, French writer, humanist and moralist (1869-1951)

  44. I am not a Christian.


  45. You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.

    Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

  46. Every man serves a useful purpose: A miser, for example, makes a wonderful ancestor.

    Laurence J. Peter

  47. When 8 takes a nap, it's infinity.

    Song lyric - the band Central Services

  48. There are no exceptions to the rule that everybody likes to be an exception to the rule.

    Charles Osgood

  49. The man who reads nothing at all is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers.

    Thomas Jefferson

  50. More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

    Woody Allen