Some Of The Best Things Anybody Ever Said
- Mustard's no good without roast beef.
- Ours is the age that is proud of machines that think and suspicious of men who try to.
H. Mumford Jones
- Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
- Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
- Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a triple.
- God help those who do not help themselves.
- There are plenty of good five-cent cigars in the country. The trouble is they cost a quarter. What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
Franklin P. Adams
- A book of quotations . . . can never be complete.
Robert M. Hamilton
- Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.
- The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
- Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.
Henry David Thoreau (1817-62)
- If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.
- My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.
- Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my Goodness. I could be eating a slow learner.
- The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.
- I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.'
- My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law.
- Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
- Ah, yes, divorce . . . from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
- You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'
- America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
- Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children
- Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
- What some call health, if purchased by perpetual anxiety about diet, isn't much better than tedious disease.
George Dennison Prentice
- Every nation ridicules other nations, and all are right.
- Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.
- It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress.
- Treat all disasters as if they were trivialities but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster.
- The reason lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place is that the same place isn't there the second time.
- Americans detest all lies except lies spoken in public or printed lies.
- We are not physical beings having a spiritual experience. Rather we are spiritual beings having a physical experience.
- There must be more to life than having everything.
- A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
- The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go to erase it.
Glaser and Way
- In a collaboration, each author will do 75% of the work.
- My ideal picture of citizenship will always be an argument, not a sing-along.
- An ounce of mother is worth a pound of clergy.
- You'd be jolly too if you knew who all the bad girls were.
- I don't know what to say. I've always been a prepared loser.
Don Knotts, upon winning an Emmy for "The Andy Griffth Show"
- Going to bed with a woman never hurt a ballplayer. It's staying up all night looking for them that does you in.
- Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
- I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is; I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat.
Rebecca West, 1913
- America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
- Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
- If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
- No one is listening until you make a mistake.
- Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
- It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
- It's not me who can't keep a secret - it's the people I tell that can't.
- The rich would have to eat money if the poor did not provide food.