Some Of The Best Things Anybody Ever Said

Page 8.

  1. Mustard's no good without roast beef.

    Chico Marx

  2. Ours is the age that is proud of machines that think and suspicious of men who try to.

    H. Mumford Jones

  3. Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

    Mark Twain

  4. Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

    George Carlin

  5. Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a triple.

    Barry Switzer

  6. God help those who do not help themselves.

    Wilson Mizner

  7. There are plenty of good five-cent cigars in the country. The trouble is they cost a quarter. What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.

    Franklin P. Adams

  8. A book of quotations . . . can never be complete.

    Robert M. Hamilton

  9. Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.

    Steven Seagal

  10. The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.

    Jeff Foxworthy

  11. Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.

    Henry David Thoreau (1817-62)

  12. If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.

    Dave Barry

  13. My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.

    Paula Poundstone

  14. Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my Goodness. I could be eating a slow learner.

    Lynda Montgomery

  15. The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.


  16. I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.'

    Richard Jeni

  17. My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law.

    Jerry Seinfeld

  18. Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

    Terry Pratchett

  19. Ah, yes, divorce . . . from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

    Robin Williams

  20. You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'

    Dave Barry

  21. America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.


  22. Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children


  23. Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.

    Drew Carey

  24. What some call health, if purchased by perpetual anxiety about diet, isn't much better than tedious disease.

    George Dennison Prentice

  25. Every nation ridicules other nations, and all are right.

    Arthur Schopenhauer

  26. Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.

    Dan Quayle

  27. It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress.

    Mark Twain

  28. Treat all disasters as if they were trivialities but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster.

    Quentin Crisp

  29. The reason lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place is that the same place isn't there the second time.

    Willie Tyler

  30. Americans detest all lies except lies spoken in public or printed lies.

    Ed Howe

  31. We are not physical beings having a spiritual experience. Rather we are spiritual beings having a physical experience.

    Teilhard DeChardin

  32. There must be more to life than having everything.

    Maurice Sendak

  33. A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

    George Wald

  34. The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go to erase it.

    Glaser and Way

  35. In a collaboration, each author will do 75% of the work.

    Larry Niven

  36. My ideal picture of citizenship will always be an argument, not a sing-along.

    Sarah Vowell

  37. An ounce of mother is worth a pound of clergy.

    Spanish proverb

  38. You'd be jolly too if you knew who all the bad girls were.


  39. I don't know what to say. I've always been a prepared loser.

    Don Knotts, upon winning an Emmy for "The Andy Griffth Show"

  40. Going to bed with a woman never hurt a ballplayer. It's staying up all night looking for them that does you in.

    Casey Stengel

  41. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.


  42. I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is; I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat.

    Rebecca West, 1913

  43. America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.

    Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

  44. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.


  45. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.


  46. No one is listening until you make a mistake.


  47. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.


  48. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.


  49. It's not me who can't keep a secret - it's the people I tell that can't.

    Abraham Lincoln

  50. The rich would have to eat money if the poor did not provide food.

    Russian proverb