Some Of The Best Things Anybody Ever Said
- Everything that can be invented has been invented.
Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899
- This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.
Western Union internal memo, 1876
- Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927
- We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
Decca Recording Co. rejecting The Beatles, 1962
- A university is just a group of buildings gathered around a library.
- Far more seemly to have thy study full of books, than thy purse full of money.
John Lyly, Euphues
- If you haven't found something strange during the day, it hasn't been much of a day."
John A. Wheeler
- Discovery consists of seeing what everybody has seen and thinking what nobody has thought.
Albert Szent-Gyorgyi 1893
- On a visit to Grenoble a few years ago, I met a chef who complained that the taste buds of his nation's youth were being ruined by an onslaught of salt and sugar processed into an assortment of bland, artless concoctions that dulled their senses and tinkered with their satiety. 'When there is no taste,' he said, 'they keep eating.'
Ellen Ruppel Shell "The Hungrey Gene"
- I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
- It is better by noble boldness to run the risk of being subject to half the evils we anticipate than to remain in cowardly listlessness for fear of what might happen.
- I will never be an old man. To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am.
Sir Francis Bacon
- If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.
- Always obey your parents. When they are present. This is the best policy in the long run. Because if you don't, they will make you. Most parents think they know better than you do, and you can generally make more by humoring that superstition than you can by acting on your own better judgment.
Mark Twain in his "Advice to Youth" speech, 1882
- How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue...and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?
- If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
- If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
- I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.
- Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.
- Ever consider what they (dogs) must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul--chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
- In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
- Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies.
- Never insult seven men if you're only carrying a six shooter.
- ...when I wake up in the morning, I look in the bathroom mirror to see who I am. Most of the time that works, but last week I spent a whole day as a pair of bathroom curtains!
- My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.
- Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
- Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
- If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
- The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease.
- Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
- Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls.
- There are no good girls gone wrong, just bad girls found out.
- No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.
- Criminal: A person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation.
- I don't make jokes, I just watch the Government and report the facts...
- No nation ever had two better friends that we have. You know who they are? The Atlantic and Pacific oceans.
- If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
- My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
- Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything.
Ivana Trump, upon finishing her first novel
- Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist.
- The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they share a common enemy.
- A woman drove me to drink - and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.
- I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
- An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
- When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
- 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. What a coincidence!
- When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
- Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
- Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
- To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group.