Some Of The Best Things Anybody's Ever Said

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  1. It took them only an instant to cut off that head, but it is unlikely that a hundred years will suffice to reproduce a similar one.

    Joseph Louis Lagrange (1736-1813) commenting on the execution of the french chemist Lavoisier

  2. All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.

    Homer Simpson

  3. Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.

    Chris Rock

  4. If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.

    Jack Lemmon

  5. It is obviously possible that what we call waking life may only be an unusual and persistent nightmare.

    Bertrand Russell

  6. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

    Ashleigh Brilliant

  7. Lady Astor: "Winston, if I were your wife I'd put poison in your coffee."
    Winston Churchill: "Nancy, if I were your husband I'd drink it."

  8. If you could buy a Greyhound bus ticket with food stamps this state would be empty.

    A wag in Maine

  9. My ancestors didn't come over on the Mayflower--they met the boat.

    Will Rogers

  10. When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth.

    George Bernard Shaw

  11. One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.

    Plato

  12. In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language.

    Mark Twain

  13. The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side.

    Hunter S. Thompson

  14. Television is the first truly democratic culture, the first culture available to everybody and entirely governed by what the people want. The most terrifying thing is what people do want.

    Clive Barnes

  15. If professional wrestling did not exist, could you come up with this idea? Could you envision the popularity of huge men in tiny bathing suits, pretending to fight?

    Jerry Seinfeld

  16. If you have two hours to live, see this movie it will make those two hours seem like two weeks.

    Movie Reviewer Blake French, about Kevin Costner's "Open Range"

  17. Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.

    Edward R. Murrow

  18. God is a comedian playing to an audience that is afraid to laugh.

    Voltaire

  19. Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts", but "you have to put your two cents in"? Somebody's making a penny

    George Carlin

  20. In an interview, Cher claimed that at one point in her life she was celibate for six straight years. And then she turned seven.

    Craig Kilborn

  21. It's never too late to be what you might have been.

    George Eliot

  22. I want to be what I was when I wanted to be what I am now.

    Graffito

  23. We know nothing at all. All our knowledge is but the knowledge of schoolchildren. The real nature of things we shall never know.

    Albert Einstein

  24. It's easy to have a complicated idea. It's very very hard to have a simple idea.

    Carver Mead

  25. All our lauded technological progress - our very civilization - is like the axe in the hand of the pathological criminal.

    Albert Einstein

  26. I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

    Groucho Marx

  27. Those who do not stop asking silly questions become scientists.

    Leon Lederman, Physicist

  28. I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.

    Clarence Darrow

  29. He is a self-made man & worships his creator.

    John Bright

  30. He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

    Winston Churchill

  31. A modest little person, with much to be modest about.

    Winston Churchill

  32. He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.

    William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

  33. Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?

    Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

  34. He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.

    Samuel Johnson

  35. He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.

    Paul Keating

  36. He had delusions of adequacy.

    Walter Kerr

  37. There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.

    Jack E. Leonard

  38. He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

    Abraham Lincoln

  39. He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.

    Robert Redford

  40. They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.

    Thomas Brackett Reed

  41. He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.

    James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

  42. In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.

    Charles, Count Talleyrand

  43. He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.

    Forrest Tucker

  44. Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?

    Mark Twain

  45. Don't get mad, get Valium!

    Spam subject line

  46. His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.

    Mae West

  47. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

    Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

  48. He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.

    Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

  49. He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...for support rather than illumination.

    Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

  50. He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

    Billy Wilder

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