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- One trouble with growing older is that it gets progressively tougher to find a famous historical figure who didn't amount to much when he was your age.
Bill Vaughan
- On the internet, nobody knows you're a dog.
Peter Steiner
- If you don't think too good, don't think too much.
Ted Williams
- The United States is putting together a Constitution now for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It's served us well for 200 years, and we don't appear to be using it anymore. So what the hell?
Jay Leno 2003
- Chloroform in print
Mark Twain, about the Mormon bible
- You cannot lead your horse to water here. You have no permit.
Anon
- It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.
Andre Gide
- Humans are basically good. That's why it takes so much training to march march march kill kill kill kill.
Maxine Hong Kingston
- There are two kinds of people who never amount to much: those who cannot do what they are told, and those who can do nothing else.
Cyrus Curtis
- I'm superstitious. Before I start a movie, I always kill a hobo with a hammer.
Gwyneth Paltrow, on Conan O'Brien's ten year celebration special
- If God existed, and if he cared for humankind, He would never have given us religion.
Martin Amis
- The things that will destroy us are: politics without principle; pleasure without conscience; wealth without work; knowledge without character; business without morality; science without humanity, and worship without sacrifice.
Mahatma Gandhi
- Marihuana leads to pacifism and communist brainwashing.
Federal Bureau of Narcotics Chief Harry J. Anslinger, 1948
- Reefer makes darkies think they're as good as white men.
Federal Bureau of Narcotics Chief Harry J. Anslinger, 1929
- Marihuana is taken by ".....musicians. And I'm not speaking about good musicians, but the jazz type..."
Harry J. Anslinger, Commissioner of the US Bureau of Narcotics 1930-1962
- The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Albert Einstein
- They call war an art, but it isn't. It largely consists in outwitting people, robbing widows and orphans, and inflicting suffering on the helpless for one's own ends - and that's not art: that's business.
Kenneth Roberts
- I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.
Anon
- The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift.
Albert Einstein
- I never submitted the whole system of my opinions to the creed of any party of men whatever in religion, in philosophy, in politics, or in anything else where I was capable of thinking for myself. Such an addiction is the last degradation of a free and moral agent.
Thomas Jefferson
- Three men can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
Joseph Stalin
- To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can you give me a hand?' You can say, 'Sorry, got these sacks.'
Jack Handey
- Don't do unto others what you would have others do unto you . . . they may have different tastes.
Shaw?
- Be good. If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, don't name it after me.
Anon
- Don't leave precautions to the boy unless he promises to have the baby.
Anon
- Nothing is impossible. Some things are just less likely than others.
Jonathan Winters
- Nationalism is an infantile diease, the measles of mankind.
Albert Einstein
- There are three ways to get things done: 1) Do it yourself. 2) Hire someone to do it. 3) Forbid your kids to do it.
Anon
- It's not hard to tell we was poor -- when you saw the toilet paper dryin' on the clothesline.
George Lindsey
- If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
George Bernard Shaw
- A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.
Robert Frost
- History is an angel being blown backwards into the future.
Laurie Anderson
- Self-confidence is the feeling that no one, as yet, is suspicious.
H.L. Mencken
- All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Steven Wright
- You make the bed, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.
Joan Rivers
- Paradise is exactly like where you are right now...only much, much better.
Laurie Anderson
- I still believe that sex is dirty. It's just that now I wouldn't have it any other way.
Lilly Tomlin
- You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Joe E. Lewis
- I have deep faith that the principle of the universe will be beautiful and simple.
Albert Einstein
- Politics is more difficult than physics.
Albert Einstein
- We owe almost all our knowledge not to those who have agreed, but to those who have differed.
Charles Caleb Colton (1780-1832. English clergyman)
- First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
George Burns
- Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
George Jean Nathan
- You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label.
Mark Twain
- A nation is a society united by a delusion about its ancestry and by a common hatred of its neighbors.
William Ralph Inge
- It is the duty of the patriot to protect his country from its government.
Thomas Paine
- Fix reason firmly in her seat, and call to her tribunal every fact, every opinion. Question with boldness even the existence of a god; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason, than that of blindfolded fear.
Thomas Jefferson
- The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.
Winston Churchill
- An aphorism is not an aphorism unless you know what it means.
Winston Churchill
- Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.
M. Kathleen Casey