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- Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
Napoleon Bonaparte
- Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it's important.
Eugene McCarthy
- Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
Anon
- He declared to inspectors that he had monkeys. I believe he did say they were in his pants.
A reporter describing a monkey smuggler's encounter with U.S. Customs inspectors
- At LAX last week, officials there caught a man on a flight from Thailand trying to smuggle in two pygmy monkeys in the crotch of his pants. That a good idea? Don't monkeys eat bananas?
Jay Leno
- Sighted people, you gotta deal with them.
Ray Charles
- How come drummers leave their drumsticks on the dashboard of their car? So they can park in the handicapped spaces.
Dave Grohl from the Foo Fighters
- I'm looking for loopholes.
W.C. Fields, thumbing through the Bible on his death bed
- I really didn't realize the librarians were, you know, such a dangerous group. They are subversive. You think they're just sitting there at the desk, all quiet and everything. They're like plotting the revolution, man. I wouldn't mess with them.
Michael Moore
- A diplomat...is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Caskie Stinnett
- The truth that makes men free is for the most part the truth which men prefer not to hear.
Herbert Agar
- A banker is a person who is willing to make a loan if you present sufficient evidence to show you don't need it.
Herbert V. Prochnow
- Building more prisons to address crime is like building more graveyards to address a fatal disease.
Robert Gangi, Correctional expert
- It had long since come to my attention that people of accomplishment rarely sat back and let things happen to them. They went out and happened to things.
Elinor Smith
- To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally convenient solutions; both dispose with the necessity of reflection.
Henri Poincaré
- It is dangerous to be right in matters on which the established authorities are wrong.
Voltaire
- To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid; you must also be well mannered.
Voltaire
- Doubt is not a pleasant mental state but certainty is a ridiculous one.
Voltaire
- Army food doesn't agree with me. I've had five of those MREs and I don't think any of them have an exit strategy.
Al Franken
- Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean.
basepall player Pedro Guerrero on reporters
- If ants are such busy workers, how come they find time to go to all the picnics?
Marie Dressler, Canadian actress
- Americans have different ways of saying things. They say 'elevator', we say 'lift'. They say 'President', we say 'stupid psychopathic git'...
Alexi Sayle
- We are all born charming, fresh, and spontaneous and must be civilized before we are fit to participate in society.
Judith Martin (Miss Manners)
- If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read 'President Can't Swim'.
Lyndon B. Johnson
- I believe that love - not imitation - is the sincerest form of flattery. Your imitator thinks that you can be duplicated; your lover knows you can't.
Marilyn Vos Savant
- Viewed up close, nobody is normal.
Caetano Veloso
- Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.
Fran Lebowitz
- Civilization is a zoo in the middle of a jungle.
A.I.S.
- If you understood everything I said, you'd be me.
Miles Davis
- I tried exercise as a means of burning fat, but it didn't work for me. When the fat started burning, it smelled like bacon and made me hungry.
Planojo
- There are three kinds of men: 1. The ones that learn by reading. 2. The few who learn by observation. 3. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
Will Rogers
- It's been over five years since I had a drink. I kind of miss sex.
Tracy Smith
- No unmet needs exist and ...current unmet needs that are being met will continue to be met.
Transportation Commission on Unmet Transit Needs, Mariposa County, California
- When in doubt steer towards the enemy.
Anon (Ancient)
- I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Noel Coward
- You'll miss 100% of all the shots you don't take.
Wayne Gretsky
- It's been a fabulous year for Laura and me.
George W. Bush., three months after the World Trade Center towers went down
- It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and chemistry.
H.L. Mencken
- It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows.
Epictetus (50-138 A.D. )
- Happiness is the absence of the striving for happiness.
Chuang-tzu (B.C. 350)
- Iraq is not another Vietnam...this time it's a dry heat.
B. Henderson
- There are things of deadly earnest that can only be mentioned under the cover of a joke.
J.J. Procter
- If they can get you asking the wrong questions, they don't have to worry about the answers.
Thomas Pynchon
- There is no way of proving your point to someone whose income and position depend upon believing the contrary.
Sydney Harris
- I did not get my Spaghetti-O's, I got spaghetti. I want the press to know this.
Thomas J. Grasso, d. March 20, 1995 Executed by injection, Oklahoma
- I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis.
Humphrey Bogart's last words
- The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.
Victor Borge
- I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
- Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge where there is no river.
Nikita Khrushchev
- If I spray it with Raid do I get a discount?
Pam Browning, in a health-food store