Some Of The Best Things Anybody's Ever Said

Page 15.

  1. Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

    Napoleon Bonaparte

  2. Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it's important.

    Eugene McCarthy

  3. Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.


  4. He declared to inspectors that he had monkeys. I believe he did say they were in his pants.

    A reporter describing a monkey smuggler's encounter with U.S. Customs inspectors

  5. At LAX last week, officials there caught a man on a flight from Thailand trying to smuggle in two pygmy monkeys in the crotch of his pants. That a good idea? Don't monkeys eat bananas?

    Jay Leno

  6. Sighted people, you gotta deal with them.

    Ray Charles

  7. How come drummers leave their drumsticks on the dashboard of their car? So they can park in the handicapped spaces.

    Dave Grohl from the Foo Fighters

  8. I'm looking for loopholes.

    W.C. Fields, thumbing through the Bible on his death bed

  9. I really didn't realize the librarians were, you know, such a dangerous group. They are subversive. You think they're just sitting there at the desk, all quiet and everything. They're like plotting the revolution, man. I wouldn't mess with them.

    Michael Moore

  10. A a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

    Caskie Stinnett

  11. The truth that makes men free is for the most part the truth which men prefer not to hear.

    Herbert Agar

  12. A banker is a person who is willing to make a loan if you present sufficient evidence to show you don't need it.

    Herbert V. Prochnow

  13. Building more prisons to address crime is like building more graveyards to address a fatal disease.

    Robert Gangi, Correctional expert

  14. It had long since come to my attention that people of accomplishment rarely sat back and let things happen to them. They went out and happened to things.

    Elinor Smith

  15. To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally convenient solutions; both dispose with the necessity of reflection.

    Henri Poincaré

  16. It is dangerous to be right in matters on which the established authorities are wrong.


  17. To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid; you must also be well mannered.


  18. Doubt is not a pleasant mental state but certainty is a ridiculous one.


  19. Army food doesn't agree with me. I've had five of those MREs and I don't think any of them have an exit strategy.

    Al Franken

  20. Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean.

    basepall player Pedro Guerrero on reporters

  21. If ants are such busy workers, how come they find time to go to all the picnics?

    Marie Dressler, Canadian actress

  22. Americans have different ways of saying things. They say 'elevator', we say 'lift'. They say 'President', we say 'stupid psychopathic git'...

    Alexi Sayle

  23. We are all born charming, fresh, and spontaneous and must be civilized before we are fit to participate in society.

    Judith Martin (Miss Manners)

  24. If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read 'President Can't Swim'.

    Lyndon B. Johnson

  25. I believe that love - not imitation - is the sincerest form of flattery. Your imitator thinks that you can be duplicated; your lover knows you can't.

    Marilyn Vos Savant

  26. Viewed up close, nobody is normal.

    Caetano Veloso

  27. Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.

    Fran Lebowitz

  28. Civilization is a zoo in the middle of a jungle.


  29. If you understood everything I said, you'd be me.

    Miles Davis

  30. I tried exercise as a means of burning fat, but it didn't work for me. When the fat started burning, it smelled like bacon and made me hungry.


  31. There are three kinds of men: 1. The ones that learn by reading. 2. The few who learn by observation. 3. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

    Will Rogers

  32. It's been over five years since I had a drink. I kind of miss sex.

    Tracy Smith

  33. No unmet needs exist and ...current unmet needs that are being met will continue to be met.

    Transportation Commission on Unmet Transit Needs, Mariposa County, California

  34. When in doubt steer towards the enemy.

    Anon (Ancient)

  35. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

    Noel Coward

  36. You'll miss 100% of all the shots you don't take.

    Wayne Gretsky

  37. It's been a fabulous year for Laura and me.

    George W. Bush., three months after the World Trade Center towers went down

  38. It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and chemistry.

    H.L. Mencken

  39. It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows.

    Epictetus (50-138 A.D. )

  40. Happiness is the absence of the striving for happiness.

    Chuang-tzu (B.C. 350)

  41. Iraq is not another Vietnam...this time it's a dry heat.

    B. Henderson

  42. There are things of deadly earnest that can only be mentioned under the cover of a joke.

    J.J. Procter

  43. If they can get you asking the wrong questions, they don't have to worry about the answers.

    Thomas Pynchon

  44. There is no way of proving your point to someone whose income and position depend upon believing the contrary.

    Sydney Harris

  45. I did not get my Spaghetti-O's, I got spaghetti. I want the press to know this.

    Thomas J. Grasso, d. March 20, 1995 Executed by injection, Oklahoma

  46. I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis.

    Humphrey Bogart's last words

  47. The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.

    Victor Borge

  48. I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.

    Ralph Waldo Emerson

  49. Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge where there is no river.

    Nikita Khrushchev

  50. If I spray it with Raid do I get a discount?

    Pam Browning, in a health-food store