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- If you don't go to other men's funerals, they won't come to yours.
Clarence Day, Life with Father (1935)
- Once you discover white paint, you'll never wash your underwear again.
Conan O'Brien
- A Patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government.
Edward Abbey (1924-1989) US Author
- Think like a man of action, act like a man of thought.
Henri Bergson
- Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
Ronald Reagan
- If I had only known that was going to be my fifteen minutes of fame, I'd have run that sucker through a spell checker and taken more care while writing the surrounding material.
James D. Nicoll, about his famous quote above
- And you know what English is? English is the result of Norman men-at-arms trying to make dates with Saxon barmaids, and no more legitimate than any of the other results.
H. Beam Piper, "The Other Human Race"
- We must respect the other fellows religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
Minority Report: H.L. Mencken's Notebooks (1956)
- Philadelphia is the most pecksniffian of American cities, and thus probably leads the world.
H.L. Mencken, The American Language (1919)
- Going out to eat is expensive. I was out at one restaurant and they didn't have prices on the menu. Just faces with different expressions of horror.
Rita Rudner
- I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires.
Susan B. Anthony
- I asked a Burmese why women, after centuries of following their men, now walk ahead. He said there were many unexploded land mines since the war.
Robert Mueller, Look, Mar. 5, 1957
- Back in my day, they hadn't invented electricity. We had to watch television by candlelight and shows like Star Trek were impossible.
Wilson "Bob" Tucker
- From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Groucho Marx - a blurb for S. J. Perelman "Dawn Ginsbergh's Revenge" (1929)
- I'm too fucking busy, and vice versa.
Dorothy Parker
- There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Steven Wright
- Madness is not enlightenment, but the search for enlightenment is often mistaken for madness.
Richard Davenport-Hines
- When a man gives his opinion he's a man. When a woman gives her opinion she's a bitch.
Bette Davis
- The world is divided into two kinds of people: those who have tattoos, and those who are afraid of people with tattoos.
Anon
- Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn't want to own one.
W.C. Fields
- The first human who hurled an insult instead of a stone was the founder of civilization.
Sigmund Freud
- Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something.
Robert Heinlein
- Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.
President George W. Bush.
- There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.
Steve Martin.
- Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
Susan Ertz
- When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer 'Present' or 'Not guilty.'
Theodore Roosevelt
- You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating the very phrases which our founding fathers used in their struggle for independence.
Charles A. Beard
- Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
Isaac Asimov
- The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'
Isaac Asimov
- That's libertarians for you - anarchists who want police protection from their slaves.
Kim Stanley Robinson "Green Mars"
- As democracy is perfected, the office of president represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.
H.L. Mencken
- The hardest thing about any political campaign is how to win without proving that you are unworthy of winning.
Adlai Stevenson
- Once you've put one of his books down, you simply can't pick it up again.
Mark Twain on Henry James
- This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
Dorothy Parker
- I went to watch Pavarotti once. He doesn't like it when you join in.
Mick Miller
- I'm furious about the Women's Liberationists. They keep getting up on soapboxes and proclaiming that women are brighter than men. That's true, but it should be kept very quiet or it ruins the whole racket.
Anita Loos
- Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
Anon
- Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
Anon
- The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.
George Bernard Shaw
- The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think it's their fault.
Henry Kissinger
- Some days it just isn't worth chewing through the leather straps.
Emo Phillips
- Money is good for bribing yourself through the inconveniences of life.
Gottfried Reinhardt
- I think it's about time we voted for senators with breasts. After all, we've been voting for boobs long enough.
Claire Sargent, a failed Arizona senatorial candidate
- I'm sorry, but we're not in L. A. anymore.
Johnny Depp, to a fellow patron in a resturant in France annoyed by his smoking
- Living in a vacuum sucks.
Adrienne Gusoff
- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Anon
- I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, 'Well, THAT'S not going to happen'.
Anon
- If electricity comes from electrons...does morality come from morons?
Anon
- And where does she find them?
Dorthy Parker, when told that Claire Booth Luce was invariably kind to her inferiors
- When life hands you lemons, ask for salt and a bottle of tequila.
Anon