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- Vision without action is a daydream. Action without vision is a nightmare.
Japanese Proverb
- Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.
Ambrose Bierce
- Some people die at 25 but aren't buried until they are 70.
Mark Twain
- Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.
Fran Lebowitz "Metropolitan Life" (1978)
- Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.
Fran Lebowitz "Social Studies" (1977)
- There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death.
Fran Lebowitz "Metropolitan Life" (1978)
- Sleep is death without the responsibility.
Fran Lebowitz "Metropolitan Life" (1978)
- Hope is the feeling we have that the feeling we have is not permanent.
Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook (1963)
- Radio is the theater of the mind; television is the theater of the mindless.
Steve Allen
- All you have to do is go down to the bottom of your swimming pool and hold your breath.
David Miller, US DOE spokesperson, on protecting yourself from nuclear radiation
- Sit by the homely girl, you'll look better by comparison.
Debra Maffett, Miss America 1983
- Money doesn't talk, it swears.
Bob Dylan
- Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.
Mark Twain
- Patriotism is supporting your country all the time and your government when it deserves it.
Mark Twain
- The feeling of patriotism - It is an immoral feeling because, instead of confessing himself a son of God...or even a free man guided by his own reason, each man under the influence of patriotism confesses himself the son of his fatherland and the slave of his government, and commits actions contrary to his reason and conscience.
Leo Tolstoy "Patriotism and Government"
- Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.
Albert Schweitzer (1875-1965)
- Lack of pep is often mistaken for patience.
Opening line of a spam email message
- I'll wash up as far as possible and down as far as possible and then you will have to wash 'possible'.
Nurse to her male patient
- To me, boxing is like ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
Paul J. Rainey
- Whenever you eliminate the inedible, whatever remains, however unpalatable, must be food.
Anon
- Being a good example is hard. I'm trying to serve as a horrible warning instead.
Pickles comic strip 7/4/05
- I may have invented it, but Bill Gates made it famous.
David Bradley, who invented the Ctrl-Alt-Del reboot
- So live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
Will Rogers
- Ben Franklin may have discovered electricity - but it was the man who invented the meter who made the money.
Earl Warren
- Apparently there are different food pyramids for meeting different people's needs. I'm gonna guess mine is a mile-high spike of smoked ham, 1,000 feet wide at the base.
Kent Montoya, Coach (fake quote from The Onion)
- I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Elayne Boosler
- Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.
Steven Wright
- Sex, of course, has been a feature of human entertainment since the first caveman learned to grunt suggestively to his buddies when a cavewoman walked past.
Tammy
- The chief function of stock-market forecasters is to make astrologers look respectable.
Jane Bryant Quinn in Newsweek, October 18, 1993
- Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
Ellen DeGeneres
- Should any political party attempt to abolish social security, unemployment insurance, and eliminate labor laws and farm programs, you would not hear of that party again in our political history. There is a tiny splinter group, of course, that believes that you can do these things. Among them are a few Texas oil millionaires, and an occasional politician or businessman from other areas. Their number is negligible and they are stupid.
President Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1952
- When the missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said "Let us pray." We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
Desmond Tutu
- I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'.
Bruce Baum
- I have a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder.
Craig Charles
- Temper gets you into trouble. Pride keeps you there.
Anon
- Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.
Soren Kierkegaard
- Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: If you're alive, it isn't.
Richard Bach
- The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and having the two as close together as possible.
George Burns
- Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.
Victor Borge
- What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.
Mark Twain
- I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
- And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.
Friedrich Nietzsche
- My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
Ed Furgol
- Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
Spike Milligan
- At my age flowers scare me.
George Burns
- Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
Herbert Henry Asquith
- Civilization means conforming to a standard of behavior that may not seem natural to us.
Andy Rooney
- Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.
Mark Twain
- Everyone is a potential murderer. I have not killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction out of obituary notices.
Clarence Darrow
- I think---therefore I'm single.
Lizz Winstead