Page 19.
- What happened to you could have been worse - it could have happened to me.
Ashleigh Brilliant
- My wife has a slight impediment in her speech - every now and then she stops to breathe.
Jimmy Durante
- My wife says I don't listen to her.... or something like that.
Pat Paulsen
- Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
Henny Youngman
- Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Anon
- The sinning is the best part of repentance.
Arab Proverb
- The afternoon knows what the morning never suspected.
Cousin Woodman
- I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
Wendy Liebman
- We live in a decaying age. Young people no longer respect their parents. They are rude and impatient. They frequently inhabit taverns and have no self control.
Buckminster Fuller, quoting an inscription on a 6,000 year-old Egyptian tomb
- The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
Franklin P. Jones
- I can't help but think that the stronger sex is really the weaker sex because of the weakness of the stronger sex for the weaker sex.
Jody Scott
- Opportunity is missed by most people because it comes dressed in overalls and looks like work.
Thomas Edison
- I've spent years trying to ‘get in touch with my inner child,’ but now my new therapist tells me it's mostly been inappropriate touching.
Anon
- These parents, they think I'm a role model for their kids, that their kids look at me as some sort of idol. But it's the parents' job to make sure their kids don't turn out that shallow.
Britney Spears
- If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rather rent out Texas and live in Hell.
General Philip Sheridan, quoted in George Stimpson, A Book About a Thousand Things (1946)
- Life is 10 percent what you make it and 90 percent how you take it.
Irving Berlin
- Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
James Bovard, Civil Libertarian
- A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw
- Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
P.J. O'Rourke
- Chaperons, even in their days of glory, were almost never able to enforce morality; what they did was to force immorality to be discreet. This is no small contribution.
Judith Martin (Miss Manners)
- We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
Winston Churchill
- The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
Mark Twain
- The Edge...there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over.
Hunter S. Thompson
- The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
- Experts agree that the best type of computer for your individual needs is one that comes on the market about two days after you actually purchase some other computer.
Dave Barry
- Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
Sam Brown
- A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.
Robert Frost
- Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough not to quit.
George Carlin
- I once wrote a children's book....they told me later.
Flash
- Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't.
Mark Twain
- The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
Elizabeth Taylor
- Be aware that a halo has to fall only a few inches to be a noose.
Dan McKinnon
- If God didn’t want us to masturbate he’d have made our arms shorter.
George Carlin
- The blogger's philosophy goes something like this: Everything that I think about is more fascinating than the crap in your head.
Dogbert (Scott Adams)
- You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
Bob Hope, on turning 90
- There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
Dick Cavett
- The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or fight its enemies is lunch.
Michael Friedman
- God says, "Please do not go to hell".
Title of a christian pamphlet
- I think it would be a good idea.
Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948), when asked what he thought of Western civilization
- In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice, there is.
Anon
- Balaban's Law: In theory, theory and reality are the same thing. In reality, they're different.
Anon
- Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.
Charles Schultz
- I never understood the fear of some parents about babies getting mixed up in the hospital. What difference does it make as long as you get a good one?
Heywood Brown
- Unattended children will be given an espresso and a free puppy.
Sign in a gift shop window
- Seeing a murder on television can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.
Alfred Hitchcock
- Even he, to whom most things that most people would think were pretty smart were pretty dumb, thought it was pretty smart.
Douglas Adams
- There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
Anon
- Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.
Abraham Lincoln
- Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
Mark Twain
- It is more shameful to distrust one's friends than to be deceived by them.
François de La Rochefoucauld