Some Of The Best Things Anybody's Ever Said

Page 20.

  1. Why must we have sufficient memory to retain the smallest details of what has happened to us, and yet not enough to recollect how many times we have recounted them to the same person?

    la Rochfoucauld

  2. If anything can survive the probe of humour it is clearly of value, and conversely all groups who claim immunity from laughter are claiming special privileges which should not be granted.

    Eric Idle

  3. Science is the belief in the ignorance of experts.

    Richard Feynman

  4. If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

    Carl Sagan

  5. The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

    Niels Bohr

  6. There are two possible outcomes: if the result confirms the hypothesis, then you've made a measurement. If the result is contrary to the hypothesis, then you've made a discovery.

    Enrico Fermi

  7. Miss Manners does not mind explaining the finer points of gracious living, but she feels that anyone without the sense to pick up a potato chip and stuff it in their face should probably not be running around loose on the streets.

    Judith Martin (Miss Manners)

  8. To listen to some devout people, one would imagine that God never laughs.

    Sri Aurobindo

  9. Intelligence is like four-wheel drive. It allows you to get stuck in more remote places.

    Garrison Keillor

  10. Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

    Jerry Seinfeld

  11. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.

    James Branch Cabell

  12. When you want to fool the world, tell the truth.

    Otto von Bismarck

  13. All journeys have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware.

    Martin Buber

  14. Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

    Voltaire (1694-1778) on his deathbed in response to a priest asking that he renounce Satan

  15. Did you know that if all the smokers were laid end-to-end around the world, three-quarters of them would drown?


  16. Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.

    Abraham Lincoln

  17. Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation.

    Kin Hubbard

  18. If the English language made any sense, a catastrophe would be an apostrophe with fur.

    Doug Larson

  19. As time goes on, new and remoter aspects of truth are discovered which can seldom be fitted into creeds that are changeless.

    Clarence Day

  20. A man likes his wife to be just clever enough to comprehend his cleverness, and just stupid enough to admire it.

    Israel Zangwill

  21. I must decline your invitation owing to a subsequent engagement.

    Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

  22. For every problem there is a solution which is simple, clean and wrong.

    H.L. Mencken

  23. When you have steak at home, why would you want to go around the corner for a burger?

    Paul Newman, refering to his wife Joanne Woodward

  24. Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.

    Kin Hubbard

  25. There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.

    Erma Bombeck

  26. Justice is open to everyone in the same way as the Ritz Hotel.

    Judge Sturgess, 1928

  27. I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

    Jon Stewart

  28. I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

    George Carlin

  29. If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.

    John Kenneth Galbraith

  30. The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him.

    Stanislaw Jerszy Lec

  31. Live Every Day As If You're Dying Of A Contagious Disease That Turns People You Bite Into Zombies

    Fake book title from "The Onion"

  32. They say there are only two kinds of people on St. Patrick's Day: the Irish, and the people that drive them home.

    Conan O'Brien

  33. Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is like expecting a bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.

    Dennis Wholey

  34. Nobody in the game of football should be called a genius. A genius is somebody like Norman Einstein.

    Joe Theismann

  35. Talent hits a target no one else can hit; Genius hits a target no one else can see.

    Arthur Schopenhauer

  36. Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.

    John Wilmot

  37. When the President gives a speech, he sounds like he's talking to children. That may be because that's how things have been explained to him.

    Graydon Carter, about President G.W.Bush - on Bill Maher's Real Time

  38. Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

    Philip K. Dick

  39. Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992, because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may re-apply if there is a change in your circumstances.

    State Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

  40. I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.

    Mark Twain

  41. Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

    Steven Wright

  42. I miss the old days where a man would build a skyscraper with his bare hands just to make you stop hitting him with a shovel.

    Scott Adams "Dilbert"

  43. I know I'm doing something right when my business practices gag a rat.

    Scott Adams "Dilbert"

  44. You're loathsome and despicable. If crud wore shoes, you would be the crud in the crud's shoes.

    Scott Adams "Dilbert"

  45. If the water company can pipe water to my house, why can't the toothpaste company do the same?

    Scott Adams "Dilbert"

  46. If you're so smart, let's see you describe our future without using the word "doomed".

    Scott Adams "Dilbert"

  47. My voice mailbox is full, and my spam filter rejects all incoming email. As soon as I build up a good load of ear wax, I'll be totally off the grid.

    Scott Adams "Dilbert"

  48. If history is my guide, you will abuse the next hour of my life by insisting that I defend your misunderstanding of what I think.

    Scott Adams "Dilbert"

  49. Doctor to patient: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.


  50. The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good...spit it out.