Some Of The Best Things Anybody's Ever Said

Page 21.

  1. It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have been searching for evidence which could support this.

    Bertrand Russell

  2. Librarians are the (secret) masters of the universe; they control information. Don't ever piss one off.

    Spider Robinson

  3. Correct me if I'm wrong, but hasn't the fine line between sanity and madness gotten finer?

    George Price

  4. When I travel on an airplane, I like to be served TWA milk and TWA coffee. But I love to be served TWA tea.

    Richard Lederer

  5. Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the bitch up with cookies.


  6. Sure, companies say they're sensitive to their employees' cultural heritages, but show up on casual Friday wearing a necklace made from the ears of your vanquished enemies and all hell breaks loose.

    Brad Wilkerson

  7. We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue than malnutrition.

    Dr. Alex Comfort

  8. The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.

    Dudley Moore (1935 - 2002)

  9. Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog.

    Doug Larson

  10. A scientist is a man who changes his beliefs according to reality, a theist is a man who changes reality to match his beliefs.

    Volker Braun (1998)

  11. It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

    Erma Bombeck

  12. An optimist may see a light where there is none, but why must the pessimist always run to blow it out?

    René Descartes

  13. When I tell the truth, it is not for the sake of convincing those who do not know it, but for the sake of defending those that do.

    William Blake

  14. For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three.

    Alice Kahn

  15. All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian.

    Pat Paulsen

  16. I could not believe Elvis was dead....until I heard that he had voted in Cook County.


  17. If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.

    Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

  18. If people never did silly things, nothing intelligent would ever get done.

    Ludwig Wittgenstein

  19. The greatest obstacle to discovery is not ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge.

    Daniel J. Boorstin

  20. When I get a little money I buy books; and if any is left, I buy food and clothes.

    Desiderius Erasmus

  21. We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

    Dave Barry

  22. All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income.

    Samuel Butler

  23. If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito.

    Betty Reese

  24. Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.

    W.C. Fields

  25. Shouldn't the Air and Space Museum be empty?

    Dennis Miller

  26. If a three year old kid tells you that you are ugly -- you probably are.

    Tim Hylka

  27. When I am abroad, I always make it a rule never to criticize or attack the government of my own country. I make up for lost time when I come home.

    Sir Winston Churchill

  28. Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.


  29. Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, "No, thank you," to dessert that night. And for what?

    Erma Bombeck

  30. Well behaved women rarely make history.

    Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

  31. You are remembered for the rules you break.

    Douglas MacArthur

  32. There are some frauds so well conducted that it would be stupidity not to be deceived by them.

    Charles Caleb Colton (1780-1832) British sportsman, writer

  33. It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.

    Ralph Waldo Emerson

  34. A stupid person can make only certain, limited types of errors; the mistakes open to a clever fellow are far broader. But to the one who knows how smart he is compared to everyone else, the possibilities for true idiocy are boundless.

    Steven Brust

  35. I think we consider too much the good luck of the early bird, and not enough the bad luck of the early worm.

    Franklin Delano Roosevelt

  36. I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it.

    Terry Pratchett

  37. All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.

    Raymond Hull

  38. Political designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give an appearance of solidity to pure wind.

    George Orwell

  39. A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally.

    Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

  40. I like men who have a future and women who have a past.

    Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

  41. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.


  42. When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities.

    Matt Groening

  43. We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.

    George Carlin

  44. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.


  45. The terrorists hate our freedom, so by eliminating the freedom, we can stop the terrorists from hating us.


  46. There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

    Woody Allen

  47. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

    Stephen Wright

  48. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

    Emo Philips

  49. I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease.

    William E. Gladstone (see next quote)

  50. That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.

    Benjamin Disraeli's response (British Prime Minister 1874-1880)