Some Of The Best Things Anybody's Ever Said
- It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have been searching for evidence which could support this.
- Librarians are the (secret) masters of the universe; they control information. Don't ever piss one off.
- Correct me if I'm wrong, but hasn't the fine line between sanity and madness gotten finer?
- When I travel on an airplane, I like to be served TWA milk and TWA coffee. But I love to be served TWA tea.
- Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the bitch up with cookies.
- Sure, companies say they're sensitive to their employees' cultural heritages, but show up on casual Friday wearing a necklace made from the ears of your vanquished enemies and all hell breaks loose.
- We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue than malnutrition.
Dr. Alex Comfort
- The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.
Dudley Moore (1935 - 2002)
- Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog.
- A scientist is a man who changes his beliefs according to reality, a theist is a man who changes reality to match his beliefs.
Volker Braun (1998)
- It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
- An optimist may see a light where there is none, but why must the pessimist always run to blow it out?
- When I tell the truth, it is not for the sake of convincing those who do not know it, but for the sake of defending those that do.
- For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three.
- All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian.
- I could not believe Elvis was dead....until I heard that he had voted in Cook County.
- If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
- If people never did silly things, nothing intelligent would ever get done.
- The greatest obstacle to discovery is not ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge.
Daniel J. Boorstin
- When I get a little money I buy books; and if any is left, I buy food and clothes.
- We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
- All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income.
- If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito.
- Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.
- Shouldn't the Air and Space Museum be empty?
- If a three year old kid tells you that you are ugly -- you probably are.
- When I am abroad, I always make it a rule never to criticize or attack the government of my own country. I make up for lost time when I come home.
Sir Winston Churchill
- Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
- Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, "No, thank you," to dessert that night. And for what?
- Well behaved women rarely make history.
Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
- You are remembered for the rules you break.
- There are some frauds so well conducted that it would be stupidity not to be deceived by them.
Charles Caleb Colton (1780-1832) British sportsman, writer
- It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
- A stupid person can make only certain, limited types of errors; the mistakes open to a clever fellow are far broader. But to the one who knows how smart he is compared to everyone else, the possibilities for true idiocy are boundless.
- I think we consider too much the good luck of the early bird, and not enough the bad luck of the early worm.
Franklin Delano Roosevelt
- I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it.
- All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.
- Political language...is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give an appearance of solidity to pure wind.
- A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
- I like men who have a future and women who have a past.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
- Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
- When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities.
- We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.
- It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
- The terrorists hate our freedom, so by eliminating the freedom, we can stop the terrorists from hating us.
- There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
- I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
- A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
- I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease.
William E. Gladstone (see next quote)
- That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.
Benjamin Disraeli's response (British Prime Minister 1874-1880)