Some Of The Best Things Anybody's Ever Said

Page 24.

  1. An ostentatious man will rather relate a blunder or an absurdity he has committed, than be debarred from talking of his own dear person.

    Joseph Addison

  2. Beware of a man with manners.

    Eudora Welty, American short story writer and novelist, (1909-2001)

  3. The main difference for the history of the world if I had been shot rather than Kennedy is that Onassis probably wouldn't have married Mrs Khrushchev.

    Nikita Khrushchev

  4. Washington is nicknamed 'The Evergreen State' because it sounds better than 'The Incessant Nagging Drizzle State.'

    Dave Barry

  5. A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.

    Robert Frost

  6. Lee DeForest has said in many newspapers and over his signature that it would be possible to transmit the human voice across the Atlantic before many years. Based on these absurd and deliberately misleading statements, the misguided public ... has been persuaded to purchase stock in his company ...

    A U.S. District Attorney, prosecuting American radio pioneer and inventor of the vacuum tube Lee DeForest for selling stock fraudulently through the mail for his Radio Telephone Company in 1913.

  7. To place a man in a multi-stage rocket and project him into the controlling gravitational field of the moon where the passengers can make scientific observations, perhaps land alive, and then return to earth - all that constitutes a wild dream worthy of Jules Verne. I am bold enough to say that such a man-made voyage will never occur regardless of all future advances.

    Lee DeForest, American radio pioneer and inventor of the vacuum tube, in 1926

  8. While theoretically and technically television may be feasible, commercially and financially it is an impossibility, a development of which we need waste little time dreaming.

    Lee DeForest, American radio pioneer and inventor of the vacuum tube, 1926

  9. The phonograph has no commercial value at all.

    Thomas Edison, American inventor, 1880s

  10. It is apparent to me that the possibilities of the aeroplane, which two or three years ago were thought to hold the solution to the [flying machine] problem, have been exhausted, and that we must turn elsewhere.

    Thomas Edison, American inventor, 1895

  11. Fooling around with alternating current is just a waste of time. Nobody will use it, ever.

    Thomas Edison, American inventor, 1889 (Edison often ridiculed the arguments of competitor George Westinghouse for AC power)

  12. The cinema is little more than a fad. It's canned drama. What audiences really want to see is flesh and blood on the stage.

    Charlie Chaplin, actor, producer, director, and studio founder, 1916

  13. I must confess that my imagination refuses to see any sort of submarine doing anything but suffocating its crew and floundering at sea.

    HG Wells, British novelist, in 1901

  14. Laughter is an instant vacation.

    Milton Berle

  15. The speed of communications is wondrous to behold. It is also true that speed can multiply the distribution of information that we know to be untrue.

    Edward R. Murrow

  16. The more you find out about the world, the more opportunities there are to laugh at it.

    Bill Nye

  17. It's better to be a pessimist. When you're wrong it's usually a pleasant experience.


  18. In a perfect world... spammers would get caught, go to jail, and share a cell with many men who have enlarged their penises, taken Viagra and are looking for a new relationship.


  19. The obscure we see eventually. The completely obvious, it seems, takes longer.

    Edward R. Murrow

  20. Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

    Henny Youngman

  21. Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.

    Christopher Marlowe

  22. Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.

    Ambrose Bierce

  23. The future is here. It's just not widely distributed yet.

    William Gibson

  24. The Detroit String Quartet played Brahms last night. Brahms lost.

    Bennett Cerf, American author, publisher, and editor (1898-1971)

  25. The British tourist is always happy abroad as long as the natives are waiters.

    Robert Morley, English actor and playwright. (1908-1992)

  26. If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion.

    George Bernard Shaw

  27. In the heat of battle my father wove a tapestry of obscenities that as far as we know is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan.

    A Christmas Story

  28. Good taste is better than bad taste but bad taste is better than no taste.

    Arnold Bennett, British novelist, playwright, critic, and essayist (1867-1931)

  29. It is well, when judging a friend, to remember that he is judging you with the same godlike and superior impartiality.

    Arnold Bennett, British novelist, playwright, critic, and essayist (1867-1931)

  30. People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

    Bob Hope

  31. A Committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but as a group decide that nothing can be done.

    Fred Allen, American comedian (1894-1956)

  32. I've been on a calendar, but I've never been on time.

    Marilyn Monroe, American Actress (1926-1962)

  33. Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

    Woody Allen

  34. A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

    Frank Lloyd Wright

  35. I wake up every morning determined both to change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning the day a little difficult.

    Elwyn Brooks White, 1899Ė1985

  36. A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

    Jay Leno

  37. Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful.

    Seneca, Roman dramatist, philosopher, and politician (5 BC-65 AD)

  38. Frankly, mind control is easy. Itís having to look at all that weird crap in your head thatís hard.

    Warren Ellis

  39. There are painters who transform the sun to a yellow spot, but there are others who with the help of their art and their intelligence transform a yellow spot into the sun.

    Pablo Picasso

  40. The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is a delight to moralists ó that is why they invented hell.

    Bertrand Russell

  41. Don't knock masturbation ó it's sex with someone I love.

    Woody Allen

  42. You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither.

    Steve Martin

  43. There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.

    Lynn Lavner

  44. Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

    George Burns

  45. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships

    Sharon Stone

  46. Women need a reason to have sex; Men just need a place.

    Billy Crystal

  47. According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.

    Robert De Niro

  48. There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked.

    Jerry Seinfeld

  49. An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

    Aldous Huxley

  50. Did you ever notice the people who are most adamantly against abortions are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?

    George Carlin